JOKES

[Mr.Taxi Trix]

Ed Stander walks into a bar and says
"Do you have a glass?".

[Prof Willie B]

Butterfly decided to apply for the job of director of a huge new street performers festival in Japan so he sent of a carefully crafted letter of application with a few references.
There was no doubt about Robert's ability, knowledge and skills but the references were another matter. Bill Gates, the Queen of England and Pope John Paul, "Surely not" they thought but since he was flying over for the interview anyway, they would ask then.
Immaculately coiffured and in a perfect suit, Robert was charming witty and informative. Then his Japanese hosts got around to the references.
"Sure" said Robert, "We're great friends. In fact, after this interview, I'm planning to pop over and say hello to her Maj and PJP".
Mustering all the politeness he could, one of the interviewing businessmen looked the Butterfly Man square in the eye and said "We find this very difficult to believe, Mr. Nelson"
"Oh I can understand that. I tell you what, this is a huge job a huge budget and a huge responsibility. Why don't one of you fly with me and I'll introduce you and then you can be sure."

So the next day the 2 of them flew to California to see Bill Gates. Robert drove his guest out to Bill's staggering residence and parked by the gate. He got out of the car and went and spoke into the intercom.
Returning to the car he explained that he'd be back in a second, he just wanted to let Bill know he had a friend with him before they went in. 2 hours later he returned "Sorry, sorry." he said, "George was there and Bill was hard to pin down and then they both rushed off. He did give me a quick written reference though" and Robert handed him a plain white piece of paper with a computer written (glowing) reference and what may have been Bill Gates signature.
The Japanese businessman was silent. This was not quite the evidence he wanted but they were halfway back to the airport and maybe the proof will be in London or Rome.

When they got to England they headed straight for Buck Palace and end up in a little ante room where Robert sits his companion down and approaches the desk. After a short exchange he turns and says "Won't be long, just a few formalities" as the receptionist leads him through a side door. 3 hours later he returns. The Japanese businessman is furious but Robert's profuse apologies start to calm him.
"It's just that you really can't tell Lizzy what to do. She was having a bitch about Charlie and just didn't want to meet any-one today, except me of course. She did get one of her secretaries to run you up a written reference though" he said, as proffered another piece of paper.
The businessman studied it as they taxied down the runway at Heathrow, bound for Rome. It looked fancy enough "but how do I check it's authenticity? I think I'm being conned" he thought.
At the vatican it was the same. A little office, a receptionist and again Robert disappears. this time for 4 hours. When he came back it was the same story, he had talked to the Pope but he was busy and it was bad timing. He just didn't want to meet anyone except Robert, but of course he had got some-one to write a reference.

The Japanese businessman just exploded. He threw the paper back at Robert. "Do you think I going to believe this con" he screamed, "I don't know why you did this. You would have got the job anyway, but now I never want to see you again." and he stormed out of the place. Robert shrugged and went back into the office.

Outside, the day had changed considerably, tens of thousands of people were milling about in the square, TV cameras every where. What's going on now, thought our businessman. Speaking English, but not Italian, our oriental friend spotted a BBC camera crew and went up to ask.
"The Pope is to make an important announcement, old chap, been planning it with his closest advisors all day."
"Hah, got you!" he thought, "Now I know you were trying to con us."
Suddenly the crowd roared and went beserk and away in the distance and handful of figures came out onto a tiny balconey.
"What's going on?" he asked again, "I can't see from here"
The BBC guy handed him a pair of binoculars and said "Here this might help. I think the Pope is the guy second on the left from the Butterfly Man".



[This message has been edited by Prof Willie B (edited 12-25-2001).]

[Prof Willie B]

Martin was getting a bit sick of travelling by himself all the time. It was nearly always lonely. Nick convinced him he needed a pet so off he went to the petshop. Dogs and cats were too much trouble going thru quarantine, reptiles can end up on the dinner plate in some more exotic locations and gerbils apparently don't travel well.
"Show me what else you've got" he asked the petshop boy (the one that doesn't sing).
"I think I've got just the thing for you. A Peruvian Talking Millipede. It's low maintenance, eats sawdust, only 3 inches long and comes complete with ventilated soundproof travelling box."
"Why sound proof" asked Martin.
"Because it never stops talking if it can hear someone else or thinks some one might be listening" said the shopkeeper.
"Wow" thought Lurk "A lower life form that never stops talking, it'd be like travelling with Brady except I'll be able to put it in it's box when I get sick of it."
"Show me one" he said and sure enought the little guy chatted away with Lurk for 10 mins. It even turned out it liked beer and had the added advantage of getting shit faced on a thimbleful. So Martin bought it for a very reasonable price, named it "Brady" and had it packed safely away in it's travelling box.
When he got home about an hour later, Martin opened the box ans said, "Okay, Brady, get your act together, we're going to the pub, I want you to meet Nick, Lucky and Dave."
There was no answer and lurk thought, "Oh, shit, you idiot, sucked in again, sound-proof box, riiiight, the guy was a ventriliquist and he has sold you a fucking bug in a box for $100, good one".
In his anger he yells at the box "Well I'm taking you to the pub anyway and after you've met those guys I'll introduce you to Frack".
Then a tiny but clearly annoyed voice came out of the box, "Keep your shirt on Martin, I heard you the first time. I'm coming to the pub just give me a chance, I'm trying to find my sneakers"


[This message has been edited by Prof Willie B (edited 12-25-2001).]

[Prof Willie B]

If you read the last joke before I edited it you should read it again. Sorry, I have no idea how that escaped me.

[nick nickolas]

Well I've found out what happened...
One of Bin Ladens' wives said to him
"Darling I wannna flat in Manhatten"
and Bin being a bit hard of hearing well...we know the story innit!!

[This message has been edited by nick nickolas (edited 01-13-2002).]

[nick nickolas]

What do you call an Armish with his arm halfway up a horses arse?

A Mechanic!!

Told to me by Hilby in Golden Bay Area NZ..... LOL lol xx

[Butterfly Man]

Peter Panic gets his first gig in Japan.

He is adjusting quite well and his show seems to be getting better with each performance. He has even learned a little bit of the language.

Some of the Japanese customs, however, continue to confuse him. Being a bit of a technophobe, he soon realizes that he is going to need some help in figuring out the computerized bathrooms.

Afraid to use the high-tech toilets and too embarrassed to ask for help, he finally calls home and asks Jenny if she knows anything about them.

She tells Peter what she knows but warns him not to touch any of the buttons on the toilet that he doesn’t understand.

As Peter sits there, he thinks that maybe Jenny is just jealous of his getting the gig and maybe she is probably just being a bitch. So he looks more closely at the buttons that she warned him not to touch.

He notices that each button is identified not only by kanji and hiragana but also by romanji letters: they read WW, WA, PP, and finally ATR.

Not knowing what they all mean, he figures maybe he isn’t the idiot everyone thinks he is. After all, how would anyone know if he actually touched them? Finally, he cant resist any longer.

So he pushed the WW one. Immediately, warm water is gently sprayed up and under his bottom.

“Wow, what a nice feeling”, he thinks. “Why shouldn’t I enjoy this?! I never get to enjoy feelings like this!”

Then, anticipating even greater pleasure, he pushes the WA button.

Warm air quickly replaces the warm water, gently drying his pink, moist underside.

When it stops, Peter hurriedly pushes the PP button. And much to his pleasant surprise, a large powder puff slides out to caress him, all the while adding just a fragile scent of spring flowers to the air.

“Wow”, thought Peter. “A Japanese restroom is a tender loving pleasurable experience! What a selfish bitch Jenny must be for not wanting me to enjoy things such as this!”

Then, just as the powder puff finishes, he repeatedly pushes the
ATR button hoping perhaps for a final taste of supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knows, he wakes up in a hospital.

Jenny is right there, all the way from Boston, with a smirk on her face.

"What happened?!" Peter exclaims.

“Well”, Jenny says, “Sorry, to have to tell you this Peter, but that ATR button you pushed meant ‘Automatic Tampon Remover’.”

“So your penis is now under your pillow.”

[Prof Willie B]

Why has "chance" got "Big Ears"


Because "Noddy" wouldn't pay the ransom.

[Butterfly Man]

Chaney, Gazzo’s son, comes down to breakfast.
Since they live on a farm in Nagog Woods, his mother Kris asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet you bitch," said the little brat.
Kris, used to having lazy good for nothing men around, tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, Chaney is a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in an sits down for breakfast and Kris hands him a bowl of dry cereal.
“What the fuck”? says Chaney, "How come I don't get any fuckin’eggs and bacon? "And why the fuck don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," says Kris, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, Gazzo comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

Chaney looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[Ullarty]

Once upon a time there was a little, sickly squid..

As he floated the deep, blue sea barely vital enough to move his tentacles, a speedy, spritely, young shark approached him..
“Hey Mr Squid, you look pretty sick..”
“Why.. Yes I am Young Shark, I’m feeling rather Flat, actually.. If only I could get a little sun on my bun I might feel a little better, but I just don’t have the strength to swim to the surface...”
“Well Mr Squid, why don’t you just hop on my nose and I’ll take you up to the surface for a dose of that glorious sunshine, do you good..”
“Hmm.. A wonderful offer from a stranger-friend, but you being a shark, and me being a squid, mightn’t you just eat me from upon your nose?”
“Shark’s honour, Squid, I always put friendship first..”
..and without much ado, the squid was on the nose of the shark lifted....
Up and Up to the Shallows, and Up to the Surface.. Flipped off the nose and and Up, Bursting through the foam to glorious Sunshine, Up, Flying free under the blue sky...
“Yippeeeeee”...
... Rejuvenated in that still apex, a picture of bliss...
and Down, into the waiting, upturned jaws of a fat old shark, to be be munched upon savagely and never seen again...

“There’s the sick squid I owe ya...”

[Butterfly Man]

Alakazam goes into Patrick O’Ryan’s and orders a drink. As he is sipping his whiskey, Lee Zimmerman sits down next to him. Lee turns to Al and asks, "Are you a real juggler?"

Al replies, "Well, I've spent my whole life on a pole, juggling beanbags, flipping knives, and balancing weed eaters, so I guess I am."

Lee says, "I'm a puppetteer, but I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, Dino Lampa sits down on the other side of Alakazam and asks, "Are you a real juggler?"

Al replies, "Fuck off!"

[Cacoal]

In the middle the bush (forest for you non-canadians) there was a pond. Above the pond there was a fly. Below the fly there was a fish, the fish seeing the fly thought, if that fly drops just 4 inches, I could jump up and eat the fly. At the edge of the pond, there was a racoon, who saw the fish and the fly and thought if that fly drops just 4 inches, the fish will jump up to eat the fly and I can eat the fish. A bear behind the raccoon saw the fly and thought, if that fly drops just 4", the fish will jump up to eat the fly, the racoon will run to eat the fish, and I can eat the raccoon. On the other side of the pond, there was a hunter. The hunter saw the fly and thought, if that fly drops just four inches, the fish will jump up the eat the fly, the raccoon will run forward to eat the fish, the bear will come forward to eat the raccoon and I can shoot the bear. Behind the hunter there was a mouse. The mouse saw the fly and thought, if that Fly drops just 4" the fish will jump up to eat the fly, the raccoon will run to eat the fish, the bear will come to eat the raccoon, the hunter will lean forward to shoot the bear and his sandwich will fall from his pocket and I can eat the sandwich. Behind the mouse there was a cat. The cat saw fly and thought, if the fly drops just four inches, the fish will jump up to eat the fly, the raccoon will run to eat the fish the bear will come forward to eat the raccoon, the hunter will lean forward to shoot the bear and his sandwich will fall from his pocket, the mouse will go to eat the sandwich, and I can eat the mouse. Sure enough the fly dropped just four inches, and the fish jumped up to eat the fly, the raccoon ran to eat the fish the bear ran forward to eat the raccoon, the hunter leaned forward to shoot the bear and his sandwich fell from his pocket, the mouse ran to eat the sandwich but the cat got so excited that he jumped right past the mouse and into the pond.

The Moral of the Story: Everytime a fly drops just four inches, there's gonna be a wet pussy.

I know, I know. Go ahead and groan.

[DEBBIE ROBINSON]

This ones for Nick......

Guy goes to doctors:
"Doctor, every time I look in the mirror I get a hard on !"

Doctor:

"Thats 'cause you've got a face like a cunt !"


(tee hee!)

[Butterfly Man]

Bang On!

John Maybury distraught over the lack of felines at the Easter Show, runs an advert for a lion hoping to draw attention away from the fact that he books only crap talent. Upon delivery, he realizes he has no one to tame the savage animal, so he asks some of the street performers if they would like to try.
Eager to supplement their meager income they all agree.

After Day 2, John tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it-- this is one ferocious lion. Yesterday he ate Cookie the Clown for lunch and this morning he had Martin Ewen for breakfast, so the rest of you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: a chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to still try out?" Emma of Stickleback Plasticus says, "Why not? I'll give it a go."

Em walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge at her. About half way there, she throws up her multicolored petticoats revealing her beautiful naked buttocks.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head on Bobarino Gravattini’s shoes.

Maybury’s mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to Nick Nickolas and asks, "Can you top that?"

Nick replies. "No problem, just get that fuckin’ lion out of my way."

[DEBBIE ROBINSON]

Thats funny!
And 'a' moral of the story is.....

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
(Robert A. Heinlein)

Here's an old one:

SO........ the Easter show is over.
Nick is damn sure he's been topped by all the felines at the show!
Abit mardy - he moves on to try his luck elswhere, and boards a plane to good old faithful - Glastonbury, England.
On the plane, he finds himself sitting next to a gorgeous woman - his lucks in. They exchange smiles and he looks for an excuse to talk to her. Then he glanced over and noticed she was reading a book on sexual statistics.
"Is that interesting?" he asked.
"Yes," she replied. " there's alot of fascinating information. For instance, did you know that American Indians have, on average, the longest penis and that Scotsman have, on average, the biggest diameter penis. By the way, my name's Mary.
What's yours?"
"Tonto McTavish. Pleased to meet you."