JOKES

[Peter Voice]

Dan Holzman slipped getting out of his limo at after-party of the "Monaco International Comedy Awards" and suffered serious injuries when his "PRAT" (Ponce de Ranier Comedi aTrophie) fell on his head. Some witnesses thought he tripped over Princess Stephanie's poodle but the palace insisted he was rushing to rescue the clown drowning in the canal.

All the best doctors of Europe rushed to help this superstar and while the immediate situation was dire, the world of entertainment was assured that "they hoped" he would be completely restored to himself sooner or later. Otherwise he might make a good bedside book holder.

"At the moment," they said, "he is an imbecile. He will have to learn everything again but I'm sure we will soon see the Dan we all know back to his old self.

After weeks in intensive-care and various scary "cranial procedures", it was decided that Dan was well enough to leave hospital.

Unfortunarely, they couldn't seem find any-one who wanted him and eventually he ended up on our ward at "St Suerte's Mission Home for Broken-down Performers".

We all decided to humour him, so, in the spirit of St Suerte, we made a fake busker's license for him and used to check it every now and then especially if we thought he was trying to tell a joke.
When he first got his wheelchair he used to rush about the wards scaring the shit out of us.

Princesses Carolyne and Stephanie (of Monaco) themselves, were so shaken by this tragic accident to their favourite comedic genious that they decided to take a visit to check on his progress.

As the Matron escorted them into the ward, extolling the Maestro's return to normality, "The Man" himself raced past the Royal party on his wheelchair.
"Hurry" said the Matron "He's pretty fast but the boys will stop him."
I chased him on my electric chair flashing my torch and, doing my world famous "Footscray Security Service" alarm imitation, I pulled him over just as the matron and the Royal party rounded the corner.

"Watch," said the matron, "we use these games to see how much he is catching up with himself."

As usual, I asked him for his driver's license and he pulled out an old chocolate wrapper and presented it to me. I officiously checked it, winked at the others, gave it back and told Dan he was free to go.

He raced around the corner with everyone in pursuit but was stopped after a couple of corners by Gazzo pretending to be another cop.

When the rest of us arrived, Gazzo was asking to see Dan's registration and insurance papers. Dan fumbled through his pathetic belongings and produced a long out of use-by-date condom and gave it to Gazzo. Gazzo warned him to drive carefully, gave him back the condom and wished him "Good-day".
Again Dan raced off, leaving everyone behind, but three corners later Robert Nelson hobbled out in front of him and flagged him over.

"Pull over, Driver" said the Moth man as he adjusted his pyjamas.

"Oh shit" said Dan, "Not the Breathylizer again".



PS. As the Royal party rounded the corner, Princess Caroline took in the scene and turned to the Matrom and screamed.

"You are a miracle!" she said, jumping for joy "He's totally back to normal again."

[Mr.Taxi Trix]

Butterfly Man wakes up at his house with a huge hangover._ He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed and neatly folded. Robert looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house._

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. " You bleakfast is on the stove, I reft eary to go shopping. I Rove You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Robert asks, "Koleman, what the fuck happened last night?"

Koleman says, "Well, as usual, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Robert asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and why is breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

Koleman replies, "Oh, that! Kumi dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Bitch, fuck off, leave me alone! I'm married!"

[scot]

I think I'm going to write more of these... it's an original.

A nurse comes to the head of pediatrics. "Doctor, a few of our patients have been waking up one day with a circle on their foreheads, the next day they die in their sleep. We can't come up with a diagnosis."
The doctor says, "I'm aware of this problem and I think I have solved it."
The nurse said, "Really? How?"
"Yesterday, I bought myself a dart board."

[Butterfly Man]

a true story ...

Always looking for new ways to exploit the street performing community, Kim Kelley starts a cruise ship route between Halifax and St John’s.

On the first voyage she books the only two acts stupid enough to still work for her, Gazzo & Byron Bertram.

A half hour out (or an hour depending on which country you’re in), a terrible storm hit’s the boat and it sinks.

Only Gazzo, Byron and Kim survive.

They live on a small deserted island for a couple of years doing what came natural for Kim.

After several years of casual sex all the time, Kim felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but Byron & Gazzo managed to get through it and after awhile nature once more took it's inevitable course.

A couple more years went by and Gazzo & Byron began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So...

They buried her.

[Butterfly Man]

If history repeats itself ... these jokes are new.

President Bush was visiting a primary school. One of the classes was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not", explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying Mr. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident.

[grOmmet]

Parrot and President

President walks into a store with a parrot on his shoulder.

Sales assistant asks.. "Wow,that's AMAZING.. where did you get THAT from?"

Parrot replies.. "It just grew out of my arse!"

[martin ewen]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war.

After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.

"Billy."

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?

Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Steve."

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the heck happened to Billy?"

[Butterfly Man]

humanitarian aid

The situation had gotten so bad In Iraq that the “coalition” forces would let anybody join so Peter Voice, Martin and Butterfly Man sign up as medics.

While driving up the highway between Basra and Baghdad they came upon an Iraqi insurgent who was badly injured and
unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an injured American soldier who was semiconscious.

As Robert started to give both men first aid and Martin was swatting flies, Peter asked what had happened.

The American said, "I was moving north along the highway when I ran into this guy. We pointed our guns at each other and I said, 'Saddam Hussein is an asshole.' Then he yelled, 'George Bush is an asshole.'
We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

[Butterfly Man]

After another bullshit hand-me-down gig that Taxi Trix got them both, Martin & Nick are out drinking their blues away at a local pub.

Martin turns to Nick and says, "You know Ozzy, I don't get it, whenever I come home late, I turn the headlights off on my minibike before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast to the house. I take my shoes off before I go inside, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and Celia STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

Nick leans over and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap Ulla on the butt and say, "WHO'S HORNY BITCH?" and she pretends like she's sound asleep. Works every time!

[Butterfly Man]

Big Underwear Productions

Bobarino Gravattini escapes from a prison where he has spent the last 15 years for income tax evasion. Determined to pay off his delinquent child support, he breaks into Gazzo’s house to steal money, some cups & balls and some of Robert’s heckler lines. He finds Gazzo & Kris in bed together and ties them both up.

Bobarino gets on top of Kris, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, Gazzo tells Kris: "Fer fucks sake, this guy was always crazy and now he’s an escaped convict as well. Just look at him, he’s bloody mad! I watched them send him to jail a long time ago and I know he hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is damned desperate & dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you."


To which Kris responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was always gay, thinks you look cute now that you’re fatter, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

[Butterfly Man]

Springing wood.

An English woodpecker named Jonathan and a Californian woodpecker named Robert were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

Jonathan, the British woodpecker, said the UK had trees that no woodpecker could peck, not even himself.

Robert accepted his challenge, and promptly flew over to Blighty and proceeded to peck a hole in the UK tree with no problem.

Jonathan, the lime-based woodpecker, was in awe.

Then Robert likewise challenged Jonathan to peck one of his rock hard California trees.

Jonathan flew all the way across the Atlantic (over Jesusland) and successfully pecked the California tree ... no problem.

Both Robert & Jonathan were amazed and sat there side by side on a perch confused.

Jonathan wondered why they both were able to peck wood in the other’s country but not in their own?

The answer: A pecker is always harder when it’s away from home.

[Mr.Taxi Trix]

25 Signs that it’s ALL OVER for the Butterfly Man:

1. His house plants are alive, but he doesn’t smoke any of them.

2. Hasn’t had sex in a twin bed since_ Halifax ‘88.

3. His wife, Kumi, now buys more food than beer.

4. He wakes up now when he used to go to bed.
_
5. His favorite song is now being played on elevators.

6. He has no idea when the local bars close.

7. His days off go went from 130 a year to 360.

8. His head tattoo looks like more like a lesion.

9. He’s the one calling the police.

10.Younger performers feel comfortable around him.

11. Hasn’t payed for an abortion since the early eighties.

12. His favorite TV show is on PBS._

13. His car insurance premiums are going down.

14. He feeds the cat Ensure instead of milk.
_
15. The urine stained couch he sleeps on is his own.

16. His naps last longer than Bill Ferguson's show.

17. He gets really excited about seeing Gazzo again.

18. Eating pizza at 3 AM upsets, rather than settles his stomach.

19. He goes to the drug store for ibruprofen, not condoms.

21. He actually eats breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I’m so sorry sir," replaces, "Fuck off, dickhead."

23. 90% of the his time is spent helping others with their act.

24.He opens a savings account and an IRA.

25. He reads this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't
apply to his sorry old ass.

[Butterfly Man]

sorry sir ... I count only 24

Where's # 20? ... would that be:
Moves to the windward side of the Big Island and grows vegetables?

[Peter Voice]

You gotta admit the moth-head found the sign.

[Butterfly Man]

say it ain't so ...

From:
dale.thompson@gmail.com

(AKA the Devil Incarnate)


IMMIGRATION RULES TO ENTER SASKATCHEWAN

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.


2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.


3. They are cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it.


4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000
combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.


5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try
to understand the concept.


6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.


7. Yeah, we eat Beef and bison. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.


8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.


9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.


10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.


11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Barbecue Sauce.


12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be black, wet, and served
over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.


13. Curling and hockey is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.


14 . Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.


15. Colleges? Try our U of Sask. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.