JOKES

[nick nickolas]

A paper bag is conversing with the docter after being diagnosed as HIV+.
"Have you been having unprotected homosexual sex lately"says the doc.
"Not at all"says the paper bag
"Well you've contracted it from somwhere"doc says thinking "Mabye you've been sharing needles,are you a junkie?"
"No I'm just a plain good ol' paper bag"bag replies
"mmmmmmmmm well you've contracted it somehow...mabye one of your parents is a carrier!" says Doc
"

[Peter Voice]

A young woman went to see her doctor about a small greenish mark on her inner thigh. The Doc was puzzled, tried all sorts of tests but nothing showed up.
"How long have you had it?", she asked.
"That's what worries me", the girl said, "It turned up just after my wedding night and won't go away"
"You'll have to bring your husband in for tests, you may have caught something off him", replied the Doc.
So the next day a very worried looking couple turned up at the surgery and sat before the Doctor. The doc looked at them for a moment and started to giggle, she soon lost control and broke out into uncontrollable laughter.
Offended the couple angrily demanded to know what was going on. The Doc asked if they wanted the good news first or the bad news.
"Good news!". the husband said.
"Well, there's nothing wrong with your wife", she said. "The bad news is your gold earring is fake."


You beat me to it Nick, I was going to challenge Brady and Chance to a joke off.

[jester]

In the middle of the night there is a knock at the door.

The man of the house gets out and answers it. There, soaking wet with rain stands a young man in his early 20s.

I'm sorry to bother you so late, but I could use a push.

The man slams the door and goes back to bed.

His wife asks whats up, he explains, she shames him.

"When we were courting you drove us around in a beaten up old banger and we had to get help all sorts of hours, and nobody was ever mean to us. Now get up and give the poor man a push."

The man gets up and goes to the window.

"Hey. Are you still there?"

"Yes I am" came the reply.

"Hold on. I'm gonna help ya. I'm on my way."

He goes downstairs and out into the road. He can't see anything at all. But it's dark so he continues 200 yards, both ways then returns.

"Where are you?" He calls out into the dark cold wet night.

"I'm in your garden on your swing." Replies the voice.

[jester]

George Dubya come rushing out of the oval office, leaps up and punches the air with his fist. "I've done it."

Dick and James look very concerned.

"Done what!?" Dick asks. "We're supposed to do stuff, you're the president. Get back in there and finish that jigsaw puzzle we gave you."

"I've done the jigsaw." Dubya replies.

"Well done sir." James says with visible relief. "I'm impressed."

"I did it in just 57 days." Dubya says, beaming with pride. "and it says 4 to 5 years on the box."

[Prof Willie B]

Is it cruel to sew buttons onto flies?

[Butterfly Man]

Crueler still, to sue Butterfly butt...

[Mr.Taxi Trix]

Guy walks into a psychiatrist wearing a saran wrap skirt. The shrink takes one look and tells him "I can clearly see your nuts."

[martin ewen]

aka bob mclaren

what do you get when you cross a jew with a piece of wood.

A)Easter

[Todd]

Performer A runs into performer B. They begin talking about how thier year has gone.

Perf A says "Wow what a great year I've had. First I did this Street festival in Key West where I was seen by a guy who books cruise ships. He liked me so much, I got this 6 month gig out of it. There I was seen by an agent who liked my act and booked me to do this Theatre gig in England. Out of that I was invited to perform on the BBC then asked to do a Command Performance for the Royal Family. Finally this guy from a New Hotel in Vegas got my tape from the English Agent,, and they built me my own showroom, 2 shows a night in Vegas, openended run with a one year payoff if they cut me."
" How was your year?"

Perf B says," Um....ok I guess...I did a couple of Fringe Festivals in Canada..."

Perf A asks "Who books those?Got thier number?"

[jester]

How many out of work actors does it take to change a light bulb?

30. One to screw it in, the other 29 to bitterly look away biting their lip, saying: "That should be me up there."

[martin ewen]

How many street performers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just the one- but theres usually a couple more hanging round saying, 'Yeah- I used to do that'

[Prof Willie B]

The Butterfly Man in his great literary quest finds himself at the Begonia Festival, Darwin Australia, where he runs into Richie Rich (read, Lucky?, Greg, whatever).
After the festival they have a few days to spare and decide to go fishing for the elusive Barramundi in the crocodile infested waters of Aust.'s deep North.
As they approach their fishing spot, Richie points out the need for preparation and as Robert knows something of the piscatorial arts, he agrees.
He checks his rods and tackle then starts to put on his waders.
Richie checks his stuff then pulls out a box with a brand new pair of Nike running shoes.
"What the hell are those for?" says Homo Lepidoptera.
"Outrunning crocodiles" Richie replies, "You know, they can run 30 miles an hour over a short distance".
"Oh yeah, so, if the shit hits the fan, you think you can outrun one of those things?", says Robert.

"No" says Ritchie, "But, I bet I can outrun you!"

[Todd]

This is a little bit of "what if.." left over from the "Gazzo is dead" days from the old board.
Gazzo dies and goes to heaven (yes, the joke could end here)
He meets St Peter and gets the tour around the big holy place. Along the way Gazzo sees Johnny Fox walking with a huge group around him. The people of the huge group all asking advice, trying to shake his hand. Gazzo starts yelling "Johnny, Johnny. He man how are you?"
Johnny looks right at him, smiles, but turns and walks away.
Gazzo asks St Peter " Whats with Johnny? And why is he here? He was alive when I was on earth. What happend?"
St Peter looks, smiles and says "Oh that. Thats just God. He likes to pretend he's Johnny Fox."

[Queenie1]

Gazzo took Proffesor Willie B into the woods and asked "are you game"
she said "yes"....
so he shot her!
Queenie

[Prof Willie B]

That, of course, would be my preferred outcome. The other options are far too horrible to contemplate.

[This message has been edited by Prof Willie B (edited 01-10-2001).]