JOKES

[chickenfish]

giy walks into doctors
Doc! you gotta help me my penis hads turned orange!
the doctor checks this out and yeah ther it is bright orange so he asks the usual and obvious questions " do you work with chemicals? hobbies with chemicals? have you changed your diet recentley ? etc.
all of which leads nowhere. the guy has no job and no hobbies is on welfare and doesn't socialise.
the Doc is really curious as to how this could have come about and asks the guy what he does all day
he replies " nothing much , i just sit @ home watching porn and eating Dorritos"
haha

[Queenie1]

A man went to the doctors and said "sorry Doc can you help me, my wife has the hoover stuck up her "£$&%*(",
the Doctor gave the man loads of relaxation exercises, and other stuff to try...
after a couple of months, the man went back to the doctors, and the doctor asked "hows your wife doing?"
"well - shes picking up nicely"..said the man!

[Queenie1]

A man walked into his local pub. He noticed two lumps of beef stuck to the ceiling....
The barman said "would you like to enter our competition? Get the beef off the ceiling, and you get free ale all night..."
"no thanks" sid the man.."the steaks are too high"

[Queenie1]

(don't know if they sell 'treats'anywhre but here)
Man goes to the doctor, says "doc help me, I've got a peanut stuck up me arse"
Doc says "eat shit loads of chocolate, it'll come out a treat"

[Queenie1]

Man goes to the doctors "doc help me, theres something stuck up me bum",
doctor says "bend over" and says "ooh theres a pound coin up here"
next thing he says, "hang on, heres another...and another....and another.." this goes on and on and on...
at the end, the man says "my god Doc, how many were there?"
the doc says "one thousand nine hundred and ninety pounds"..... the man says..
"I thought I wasn't feeling too grand"??
Hee Hee, the old ones are always the best.

[Queenie1]

PS
No doubt the professor wil say I have a thing about bottoms????
Do you think there is a cryptic meaning????

[Prof Willie B]

A man went to the doctors and said "sorry Doc can you help me, my wife has the hoover stuck up her "£$&%*(",.
The Doctor suggested loads of relaxation exercises, and other stuff to try..., "She could pick up", he said, but the guy would have nothing of it.
"No, no, Doc" he said, "I don't need this stuff. Just tell me where I can get those dust-bags with the nice tight rubber seals.

Reciting classics is great fun, but makin' up new jokes is better.


[This message has been edited by Prof Willie B (edited 01-13-2001).]

[Todd]

Got this one from a feminist, so if you hate it blame her.

How do you make love to a fat chick?

Cum in your hand and throw it at her.

Hey Gazz, look, new birthday party material.

[nick nickolas]

How do you know when a streetperformer has been staying in your house ??

The 'phone bill is huge,
The fridge is empty apart from a half bag of balloons,
The place smells of kerosene,
There are loads of little jars of pennies everywhere,
The gas bill is huge,
The washing machine is broke 'cos loose change fell out of pockets and into the machinary,
The laundry window is broken as they locked themselves out one night,
The electricity bill is huge,
Empty bottles of beer scattered everywhere,
And they are still there !!!!!!

[GARYANIMAL]

How do you know when a street performer has stayed at Nick Nickalas's place......
...Cos they've cleaned the pit.

[Butterfly Man]

Late one night Bobarinno Gravatinni knocks on Young Raoul’s front door. Neal, wading through the lego’s and discarded beer cans, answers. “What’s seems to be the problem?”

“I need a push,” says Brady.

“Fuck off. I’ve got a children’s festival to book tomorrow,” says Raoul. He slams the door and goes back upstairs to bed.

His wife, Miriam says, “Who was that?”

He says, “Oh, it’s nothing important, just Bobarino wanting a push. I told him to go away.”

“Now, honey,” she says, “Remember that time in Windsor, when our van caught on fire and everyone got together and helped us out? It’s time for you to give back. Go find him!”

So the young one begrudgingly gets up, goes to the window and yells, “Hey, Brady, you still out there?”

“Yeah,” answers Bobarino.

“You still need a push?” says Remple.

“Yeah,” says Brady

Raoul goes outside and into the street. He looks to the left and sees nothing. He looks to the right ... nothing there either!
He yells out, “Hey Brady, where are you? I thought you said you needed a push!”

Brady replies, “I’m over here ... on the swing”

[This message has been edited by Butterfly Man (edited 01-21-2001).]

[Todd]

Performer come home off a long tour to find his house a smoking hole.

The guy next door comes running up, fear in his eyes, and says
" OH MY GOD!!!! It was awfull. Your agent came to your house wit ha bomb strapped to his chest. He broke in ranting and yelling shot your kids, beat your wife, raped your dog and then he blew the place up in a firey explosion. It was terrible!!!!!!"

And the performer says

"Wow! My agent came to my house?"

[Prof Willie B]

Gazzo and Brady went on a camping trip and after a good meal and a bottle of wine they crawled into their sleeping bags and went to sleep.
Some hours later Gazzo woke up and nudged his firend, "Brady, look up and tell me what you see"
Brady replied, "I see millions and millions of stars"
"But, what does it mean? Gazzo asked.
Brady thought for a minute, then said, "Astronomically, it means there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I can see that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I can deduce that it's about quarter past three.
Theologically, it means God is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it means we are going to have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why, what does it mean to you?"
Gazzo was silent for a minute then replied, "Brady, someone has stolen our tent."

[Butterfly Man]

After the Denver Buskerfest, Glenn Singer & Bill Ferguson are driving up a steep, narrow mountain road.
Kate the Great is driving down the same road going the other direction.
As they pass each other, Kate leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!"
Glenn immediately leans out of his window and replies, “BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as Glenn & Bill round the next corner, they crash into Lee Ross.



[This message has been edited by Butterfly Man (edited 01-21-2001).]

[Zoltan]

Ah, well...


Friday, Jan. 18th

"Dear Diary:
As you know, I've been a struggling actor for almost 12 years. These last weeks I've been chronicalling my greatest work yet - lead in a top-rated play, and the pinnacle - my soliloquy. I have a solid, five-minute solo speech, *alone* on stage! Well, not actually alone - there's an old man who sits behind me, just dipping his quill pen in the ink pot, ostensibly writing down everything I say. But I will be the center stage! Tomorrow night will be my greatest triumph!"


Saturday, Jan. 19th

"Dear Diary:

The old man drank the ink."