JOKES

[Queenie1]

Ranting...scuse me? Did I rant? Don't think so...

[Todd]

Well said Butterfly Man,

A flasher walks up to three Nuns sitting on a park bench and flashes them his goodies.

The first one had a stroke.

The second one had a stroke.

The third one wouldnt touch it.

[Butterfly Man]

Dominique of “Spring Action” is in the maternity ward of Montreal General. Just prior to her going into labor she is asked by the doctor if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" Dominique replies.

“Do you have a boyfriend?"asks the doctor.

"No, I used to go with Martin of the Stretch People but we recently broke up."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, after Jonathan got too old and was no longer cute, I quit working with with male partners. And to save you asking anymore questions, I'm unattached and having my baby on my own."

After the birth the doctor again speaks to Dominique. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies Dominique. "I remember getting very drunk last year at the Windsor Buskerfest and after a particularly wild night at Patrick O’Ryans, Seymour, of “Al & Sey”, took me back to the Hilton and I think he took advantage of me."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the doctor, "That's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," Dominique again replies, "You see, Mad Chad, the chainsaw juggler was there too, he was doing this documentary on street performers and I figured, what the hell."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the doctor repeats, "That's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes," continued Dominique, "Master Lee was in the next room and he threatend to tell Martin so ..."

At this the doctor again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to
Dominique, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and Dominique exclaims, "Thank God for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the shocked doctor.

"Well," says Dominique, extremely relieved, "Later that night, Dirty Fred flew in from Glastonbury , so I had this horrible feeling that the baby was going to bark!

[Butterfly Man]

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess named Tamara, happened upon a frog named Michiel as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle outside of Amsterdam.

Michiel, the frog, hopped into Princess Tamara’s lap and said:

"Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince amongst all the buskers, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me which caused my partner Jean-Michele to quit the act and move back to Canada. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and put together a killer show in yon pitch, where you can prepare my props, clean my costumes, gather the crowds, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, while dining on a meal of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in
a white wine and onion cream sauce, Tamara chuckled to herself and thought:
“I don't fucking think so.”

[Todd]

My new favorite joke,

A student goes to a Japanese painter to learn his art. On the first day the
Master brought the student a small painting and said " contemplate that."
Then left the room.
This goes on for 7 years. One day in the 7th year the Master come in and
gives the student a painting and says "Contemplate that" and leaves the
room. Angered the student storms out of the room and runs into one of his
friends. His friend asks "WHats wrong? Why are you so mad?"
The student says,
"I have come to learn to be a great artist from the Master and every day for
7 years all he does is give me a new painting and askes me to contenplate
it.
For 7 years! I feel like I'm learning nothing.
And today, to add insult to injury, he brought me a rather inferoir
painting, judging from the weak brush strokes, over use of ink, and non
intergrated forms."

[Butterfly Man]

Pee Wee & Emma of Stickleback Plasticus have just finished performing in Nelson and are at the Juggler’s Rest in Picton when they realize there are no longer any rooms available. Gary & Pauline offer to let them sleep on Jake’s bunk bed as a last resort. After some initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; Pee Wee on the top bunk, Emma on the lower.

In the middle of the night Pee Wee leans over and says, "I'm sorry Em, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?"

Emma leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," laughs Pee Wee, not believing his good fortune.

"Good," Em replies. "Get your own fucking blanket."

[em]

Actually, I was on top. As always.

[Butterfly Man]

Mitchell Barrett & Dana Smith pass by each other on their way to the Oregon Country Fair. Dana waves Mitchell’s van off the road and asks him if he’d like to stop by his favorite bar in Cordvallis and chat a bit to catch up on old times.

They sit down at the bar and the bartender asks Mitchell what he wants and he says, "B-b-b-beer, p-p-p-please."

Dana also orders a beer and says rather quietly, "You know Mitch, not many people know this but when I first started performing with the Royal Lichtenstein Circus, I also had a stuttering problem. Then when Alice & I got married she started giving me oral sex daily. I'm totally cured now. Why don't you give it a shot?"

Mitchell says "Th-th-th-thanks-s-s-s , D-d-d-dana".
After a while reminiscing about the glory days at Pier 39, they finish their beers and head out, back on down the road to the fair.

Later that night, they arrive at the fair campsite and are parking their vehicles. Dana climbs out of his big motor home and walks up to Mitchell, and says, " So Mitch, did you take my advise and give it a try?"
Mitch nods his head yes. Dana smiles and asks, "So are you cured?"

Mitchell replies, " N-n-n-no, but you've got a n-n-nice h-h-h-house!"

[Bev Isaac]

Robert and Muki were just finishing dinner when Muki winked and said "Let's try a couple of new positions tonight, darling, what do you think?"
"Sure" said Robert as that famous smile lit his face.
"Good" she said, "You can stand by the sink and do the dishes while I sit on the couch and fart!"

[Peter Voice]

Shit, I'm in trouble again. The cookie automatically signed Bev's name on that last post, instead of mine, Peter Voice.
Beverly emphatically denies anything to do with the last posting (and me). I do hope this works properly this time.

[Jim]

Peter,

Robert's wife is Kumi, not Muki. However, those of us who know Muki (a male street performer and friend of Robert's) got something entirely different out of the joke.

Jim

[Peter Voice]

I knew I had something arse about.

[nick nickolas]

Peter Voice was stranded on a desert island with Elle Mcpherson so he did what every man would do seduced her and had wild sex this lasted a month or 2 'till Peter got bored then he wanted somthing different so he asked her to turn over ...she did and was into that..a while later he was bored and started to use a banana as well for the old spit roast thing!!!!
After a few more months he was bored and asked her to dress up as a man ,she agreed.
The next day he was walking down the beach when he see's Elle walking along as a man ,Peter ran up to her,grabbed her,put his mouth to her ear and said"Hey mate you'll never guess who I've been shagging"

[Peter Voice]

That pissed me of too, she wouldn't talk to me for days after.

[Butterfly Man]

During the Christchurch festival Martin Ewen aka Lurk is in the Dux De Lux one night getting very, very, very drunk.

I mean, he is really, really, really plastered. It’s almost dawn and they are getting ready to close, so he gets up and stumbles out the door.

As he is making his way back to his room at the YMCA, he notices a nun walking down the street on her way to early morning services, so he
stumbles over to her and punches her in the face.

The punch stuns her and she falls to the ground. Martin grabs her by her rosary beads and started kicking her in the face. Then in the ribs. Then in the face again.

After the beating, he leans over her bruised body and says, "Not so fuckin' tough now ... are you Batman?"