JOKES

[Butterfly Man]

Jean-Michel of “The Flying Dutchmen” took Marie Maude home with him and took off his shirt.
Marie Maude says, "Jean-Michel zat's some chest you have dare."
Jean-Michel says, "That, my love, is a hundred pounds of dynamite."
Next he took off his pants.
Marie Maude says, "Jean-Michel, zat's some nice calves you have dare"
Jean-Michel says, "My sweet, that too, is a hundred pounds of dynamite."
Jean-Michel then quickly reaches down and pulls off his underpants
and Marie Maude screams and runs out the door.
Jean-Michel hurriedly puts on his clothes and runs after her.
Catching up to her he says, "Darling, why did you run away like that?"
Marie Maude says, “My God, vith all zat dynamite around, I taught it vas going to explode ven I saw how short za fuse vas!"

[Butterfly Man]

Two old street performers, Butterfly Man & Jeff Sheridan, each went to a retirement home of their own respective religion. It was not long before Robert felt very lonesome for Jeff, so one day he asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit his old friend. When he arrived he was greeted with open arms, handshakes & hugs.

After checking to make sure his watch and wallet were still there, Butterfly Man said "So howzit goin’, Jeff, how do you like it here?"

Jeff Sheridan went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the care takers. Then, with a twinkle in his eye, he said, "But the best thing is that I now have a girlfriend."

So Butterfly Man said, "What a lucky guy you are! Tell me all about it."

Jeff said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. She lets me touch her on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs."

Robert then said, "All right dude, way to go! I'm so happy for you Jeff."

So then Jeff said, "And how is it going with you, Robert?"

Butterfly Man said it was also wonderful at his new facility, and that he also had a girlfriend.

Jeff Sheridan said, "Good for you, old man! So what do you do?"

“Well, answered Robert, “We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. She lets me touch her on top, and then she lets me touch her down below."

Jeff Sheridan said, "Yes? And then....?"

Butterfly Man answered, "Well, then since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck."

[Airborne Dan]

What's the difference between The Jim Show and a porno movie?

The Jim Show is a cunning array of stunts!

[Butterfly Man]

Outside of Ghent a Belgian police officer stops a van for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.
"Dirty Fred" the man replies.
"Fred Dirty?" the officer asks.
"No, just Dirty Fred" the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, Fred tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands
but plays along with it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
Fred replies... "It's a long story so stay with me.
I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, it’s a funny last name. The kids used to
tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree
so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so
I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream.
Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Dirty Fred."

[Flyin' Bob]

Checkerboard Guy, Nick Nicolas, and Lurk finish their 9th day at the Halifax Buskers and all desperately need a pint. So they nip over to the nearest pub and order a round. Service is a bit sloppy that night and there happens to be a fly in each of their beers.

Dave looks in his glass, pushes his pint away, calls the waiter over and demands a new one.

Nick looks in, plucks the fly out, flicks it away, shrugs, and chugs half the glass.

Martin looks in his pint, grabs the fly and starts squeezing, shouting, "Spit it out, you bastard!"

------------------

[scot]

I knew a narcaleptic elevator operator. He slept his way to the top.

[Peter Voice]

Garry Animal, Nick, Lurk and Gazzo all found themselves working at the same festival. It was an absolute ripper and they all had fabulous hats.
Come Sunday night the poker started, then Nick had an idea and things just, um, sort of, happened.
Four days later, broke and psychologically scarred for life, Garry staggered home to a furious Debbie. "This better be good" she said in a quiet manner that made him shiver.
Contritely, he spluttered out what he could remember and hoped for the best.
"You bastard!!" she yelled, "What if you just didn't see me for 4 days? How would you feel about that?"
Sensing a chance Gary answered "You know I love and trust you, Deb, I really wouldn't worry that much."
The next morning he saw nothing of her, in fact not a thing. The same the following day and the next. It disturbed him greatly as he constantly felt her presence all around him.

On the fourth day the swelling in his left eye went down enough that he caught a brief, watery glimpse of her as she crossed the room.

[nick nickolas]

Peter Voice was getting rather drunk and abusive in a bar, the bar tender keeping his cool said
"Sir I think you have had enough if you can kindly leave I will call you a cab"
He leaves and then enters the same bar from the side door and tries to order another drink, the bartender spots him and says
"Sir can you leave there is a cab waiting for you outside"
Peter leaves and then returns via the backdoor goes up to the bar and beligerently orders a drink.
The barman says with a bit more force
"Listen mate I've told you and I ain't gonna tell you again get out of the bar get in the cab and leave!"
Peter replies "burp.... how many bars round here do you work in mate?"

[Butterfly Man]

It’s the middle of Windsor Buskerfest and it’s producer Ken Brandes is ecstatic. He says to his wife, "Patti, have you seen how well Butterfly Man’s wife is doing the scheduling? She’s amazing and we don’t have to pay her a cent!"

"Yeah," Patti replies,"She's absolutely fantastic."

"Well”, says Ken, “Robert says she's really a robot, the latest model from Japan."

"No way, that's unbelievable, he’s got to be joking!” says Patti, “What does he say she can do?"

"He told me when he squeezes her left breast, she writes down the best rotation of acts in the lineup. When he squeezes her right breast she figures what pitch sites each act should perform at. And when he screws her she writes down the best times to start and finish each show.”

"Sounds perfect." says Patti.

"Almost perfect”, says Ken, we almost had to cancel closing ceremonies."

"Why?" asked Patti.

"Well," grimaced Ken, "let's just say Robert didn't know her ass was a pencil sharpener.”

[Peter Voice]

Robert, you are one brave dude!

[Butterfly Man]

Chris goes into the Boston Globe to see that the obituary for Gazzo is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.

She pauses, reflects and then says, Well then, let it read, "Gazzo died."

Amused at Chris's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a five word minimum for all obituaries.

Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read,
'Gazzo died: act for sale.

[gazzo osborne]

knock knock
who's there?
butterfly man...
butterfly man who

how easy we forget.

[gazzo osborne]

Robert Nelson is in Halifax and he is on
his finally. He has a blow out and his unicycle slips out from under him. He
lands on the back of his skull and has a serious concussion.

Kumi his wife flies home to California
free as she works for the airlines and is making the bed and cleaning up the house. There are thousands of street performers there from all over the world (actually only three balloon clowns and a yellow pages juggler) with flowers and cards and etc. They said to kumi what are doing in this hour of need, cleaning the house shouldn't you be grieving, haven't you heard what happened to Robert.

She replied that she called the hospital and they said to expect the worst.

[gazzo osborne]

Kumi takes home Robert nelson to meet her parents and says look at this wonderful man that I meet he is a juggler.

Kumi's mother says where is he from (what is that white stuff around his nose)?

Kumi says he is from San Francisco.

Kumi's mother replies you should be very careful of a juggler from San Francisco he will some day ask you to "turn round".

Kumi says with a Confucius look on her face,
what do you mean mother turn around?

I can not tell you now you are too young but some day I will explain to you.

Years later after moving to America Kumi phones her parents "sorry I have not called earlier but I have been helping Robert in his one man show and I love him Mom".

Kumi's mom says are you sleeping with that dirty juggler.

Kumi says yes because I love him.

Kumi's mother says has he asked you to
"turn round" yet?

Kumi says what do you mean mom?

Well maybe he will ask you on your wedding night.

Kumi and Robert eventually get married, two years past; Robert says lets go to bed and put something sexy on, it is going to be a special night.

Kumi goes to bed, lights the candles, flicks the rose petals around the room. Robert comes into the bed room, places his false teeth in his butterfly cup takes off his toupee and places it on his sister's ashes and says to Kumi tonight is the night "turn round"

Kumi refuses and says that my mother warned me that this would happen and I will not "turn round"

Robert says don't you want to have kids?

[gazzo osborne]

3 to 1

you dirtry juggler