JOKES

[scot]

Butman,
You're not his father. He's trying to avoid the darkside.

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scot nery
mailto:scot@juggle.comscot@juggle.com</A>
deadjugglers.com

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[Prof Willie B]

Fade in spooky music;

na-na, Na-na
na-na, Na-na

We mooove into the future (with our best Leonard Nimoy documentry voice)

The place is Windsor and it's Aug 2001.

Twoo Sstreet performers from the Opposite Siides of the world and from Whildly diFFferent backgrounds meet by sheeer cOincidence with our reporter.

(now remember, keep the voice going and stay in character, I'm not going to continue with this stupid spelling.)

We watch,,,,, as our beautiful reporter makes the best of this opportunity and asks all the questions everyone wants to know about these superstar gypsies of the performing arts. Robert answers with eloquence and detail, the pain, the joy, gravity and the Kandakandero. Nick says, "whaa???", "Oh, Yeah" and "Huh", a lot.

As she's ending the interview, she says, "You've both lived amazing lives but I want to ask one last question. What would you do now, I mean right now, if you only had half an hour to live?"
Nick looks deep into the eyes of our beautiful young reporter and said, "That's easy, I'd make love to the first thing that moved!"

Blushing, she quickly turns to Robert and asks, "And you?"

Robert leans back and whispers, "I wouldn't move until he's been buried for a week."

na-na, Na-na, na-na, Na-na, na-na, Na-na ............. fade out.

[This message has been edited by Prof Willie B (edited 06-01-2001).]

[AJJames]

Nick Nicholas was relaxing on his Yacht one afternoon , when his mobile phone rang;
"Hello" said Nick
"hello ..is... that..... Nick ....Nicholas?" said a voice seemingly pre-occupied
" yes, I am he!" replied the curious Nick
" good..you see I ....have always ....wanted to hear... the sound of your voice..... whilst... masturbating!"
" that's amazing!" replied Nick "How did you know I was masturbating?"

[scot]

I like original jokes especially my own. Here are two jokes on the same theme. Turn your laugh switches to the "on" position.

I got this box of pilgrims yesterday and on the packaging it said "contents may settle after shipping"

When I was a teenager a lot of people called me "pizza face" because of my acne and my sister was "pizza box"

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scot nery
mailto:scot@juggle.comscot@juggle.com</A>
deadjugglers.com

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[scot]

I remember when Michael Jackson burned his hair off in that pepsi comercial. It seems like they could have come up with a funnier nickname than "The king of pop"

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scot nery
mailto:scot@juggle.comscot@juggle.com</A>
deadjugglers.com

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[scot]

My girlfriend just lost 6 pounds... and 12 inches. She's on the coat hanger diet.

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scot nery
mailto:scot@juggle.comscot@juggle.com</A>
deadjugglers.com

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[scot]

Harold Dull's brother is that Jewish rapper -- Dre Dull.

I can keep 'em coming. I like writing jokes.

I went to have my head checked but they said it'll have to be carry-on


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scot nery
mailto:scot@juggle.comscot@juggle.com</A>
deadjugglers.com

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[Butterfly Man]

Alfred of “2' a Crowd'’ has just returned from the Denver Buskerfest when he decides to go to the doctor to get his annual check-up.

When the results come back, he is shocked to discover he has the rare Tic n’ Tack disease and the doctor says he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, Alfred asks his wife Lynne for sex. Naturally, not wishing to disappoint him, she agrees, and they get busy right away.

About six hours later, Alfred turns to Lynne and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, Lynne agrees and they do it again.

Later, as Alfred gets into bed, he looks at his watchband and realizes that he has only 8 hours left. He touches Lynne's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please ... just one more time before I die."

She says, "of course Big Daddy" and they make love for the third time.

After this session, Lynne rolls over and falls asleep.

Alfred, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to only 4 more hours.

He taps Lynne and says "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could ..."

At this point Lynne sits up and says, "Nigga please, I gotta get up in the damn morning ... YOU DON'T!"



[This message has been edited by Butterfly Man (edited 07-02-2001).]

[scot]

Grant sadly said, "I feel so cheap"
His mother said, "Don't worry, you're not a loan."

[Guy]

Whats the difference between "street performers" and Football referees?
People throw coins at football referees!

[Butterfly Man]

One afternoon, Haggis McLeod was riding in the English countryside in the
back of his stretch limousine when he saw Drew Franklin and Bobarino Gravatinni eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop & he got out to investigate.

"Why are you two eating grass?", he asked them.

"Our hats are so small and we don't have any money for food," replied Drew.

"Oh, come along with me then, I’ll help you out", said Haggis.

"But Haggis, I have a wife & two children!", said Drew.

"No problem!” replied Haggis. “Just bring them along as well!", he said.

"And you can come along with us too!", he said to Bobarino Gravatinni.

"But sir, I have a wife & four children!" Brady answered.

"No worries, my hats have been huge and my book sales are going through the roof, so I can accommodate all of you! ", said Haggis.

So they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as big as a limo. Once underway, Drew said to Haggis, "Sir, you are too kind, thank you for taking us all with you."

Haggis replied, "No problem mates, the grass at my house is about two feet tall."

[Butterfly Man]

Waldo is packing up his props in Jackson Square when a bum asks him for $2.  "Will you buy booze with it?" Wally asks, to which the bum replies, "No, I don't drink."

Then Paul looks at the bum's tattered clothes and worn-out shoes and asks, "Will you gamble it away?" Again the bum replies, "No, I don't gamble."

Amazed, Wally tries another approach.  "Will you make bets on the golf
course?" Once again the bum replies "No, I don't play golf."

So Waldo asks, "Will you please come home with me so Joanne can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf?"

[Peter Voice]

Nick Nicholas didn't turn up at his first show at Edmonton last week and Shelley was furious. She rang his room at the Hilton and sure enough a distressed Nick answered the phone.
"What are you doing there? What's wrong?", she asked.
"I cant get out of my room." he says.
"What are you talking about, Nick?", sighed Shelley.
"Well, there's only three doors in this room." replied Nick, "One of them only goes to the bathroom, one is for the closet and the only other one has a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on it.

[Butterfly Man]

Dino Lampa is at the Christchurch Buskerfest at his private table at the Dux de Lux when he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby.... all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for a bottle of 1982 Petrus to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the famous Italian artisté . She looks at the wine and decides to send a note back over to Dino.

The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 Inches in your pants.

Dino, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her and it reads: "Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over two hundred & twenty-million lire in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I give Nick Nickolas my 3:00 o’clock spot on Sunday. Have you seen Jodi anywhere?."

[Airborne Dan]

After an 8 year courtship Gazzo and Peter Panic decide to become Man and Wife.

They both move to Vermont where such unions are recognized by the state, and plan the most eccentric wedding in street performer history.

They hire Brother Blue to conduct the cerimony.

Dan the One Man Band, Flathead, Leonard Solomon, Hokum Jeebes and some pickle barrel drummers form the band at the reception.

Aileen is the Maid of Honor.

Bobarino Gravittini is the best man.

Butterfly Man is the Master of cerimonies.

Everybody who is anybody in the street performing world attends(even Alexander King of Jesters).

For their honeymoon Peter and Gazzo plan to spend a summer traveling together accross Canada, hitting every buskerfest and fringe festival on the way.

Jim (of the Jim Show) arranges for them to travel with him on his private jet to their first stop, the Just for Laughs Fest in Montreal.

Half way through the flight to Montreal, Peter and Gazzo realize that they have never established who exactly was going to be "the man" in their relationship.

They begin arguing, but just then, they feel a sudden jolt as both engines on Jim's private plane fail.

The pilot retreats from the cockpit to the back of the plane, where he explains to Jim, Gazzo and Peter Panic that the plane is going down and there are only 3 parachutes.

Jim cries out, "You have to give me one! I'm the smartest busker in the world!". With that, Jim grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane.

The pilot, Gazzo and Peter Panic stand looking at the 2 remaining parachutes.

Gazzo imediately straps on a parachute, shouts "Your the man!" to Peter Panic and jumps out of the plane.

The pilot tells Panic "you take the last one I'm the pilot and I will go down with the plane".

Peter Panic takes the last remaining parachute and straps it to the pilot's back.

"I told you, I'm going down with the plane", shouts the pilot.

"Don't worry about it", replies Peter Panic. "I've already got a parachute, the smartest busker in the world just jumped out of the plane wearing my backpack".


[This message has been edited by Airborne Dan (edited 07-16-2001).]