JOKES

[Chance]

Ouch!! Nothing worse than stuffing up a good punch line. Here's the real deal:

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed together. The chicken is clearly upset as she's huddled with her back to the egg on the opposite side of the bed. The egg is lying there smoking a cigarette and quietly humming to itself. The chicken turns to he egg and says, "Well I guess we know the answer to THAT riddle!"

[Chance]

p.s. Flo... Your email address is "not available"? Hell, I have six... pick one.

[Orange]

pffft. i already posted that one.

[scot]

When I was Frisbee's roomate, it was really annoying about how he was always wanting to get into my pants. So one day I said, "Frisbee, it's about time you come out of the closet, drop my slacks and GO TO TOWN!". He released my Dickies, stomped out of my closet and town was about 20 miles away so it took him a little a little while to get back from the mall. He also bought a nice vest!

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scot nery
mailto:scot@juggle.comscot@juggle.com</A>
deadjugglers.com

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[themaskman]

a small cute penguin wobbled into a bar in New Zealand and wobbled over to the bar and struggled up the bar stool and sat waiting for the bar man to say something and eventually the bar man said " well little fella what can i do for you??" the little penguin said in a cute little vioce "have you seen my pappa""? the bar man said " dunno!!! whats he look like?

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masque mania

[Frisbee]

Scot,

I had asked you not to tell anyone that story...its embarassing...but it was a nice vest!

-Frisbee ;P

[Frisbee]

Two peanuts were walking through Central park....one was a salted! (assaulted)

[Rich Potter]

Jokes? Jokes? I got jokes! Here's a few:


What's this?

--A spider doing push-ups on a mirror.

What's this?

--A lesbian with a hard-on.

What's this?

--A dead one of these.


Ho ho ho! I got a million of 'em!

--Rich

[Peter Voice]

Jonathon, the Jester, was touring Texas and, after a good day, he hit the local bar. After hassling the barman to take all his coins, he settled in for a drink.
The beer was disgusting and George Dubya came on the TV.
"Now there's a horse's arse" he muttered, and before he knew it, some bastard came up and knocked him clean off his chair.
Staggering to his feet, Jonathon said to the barman, "Wow, this must be serious Bush country."
The barman stared at him for a long while, then whispered, "Son, this is horse country"

[nick nickolas]

The Reasonable Scientist

Two guys are sitting in a quiet, rundown bar. In walks another man, dressed very sharply in a dark suit and carrying a briefcase. The two men are surprised to see such a man in their local bar.

"Looks like a lawyer to me" says the first man.

"No, I'd say an accountant" his friend replies.

After some squabbling, the first man decides to go over to the sharply dressed stranger to settle the debate.

"Excuse me" says he, "But my friend and I were having an argument over there and were wondering if you could help. Tell me: are you a lawyer or an accountant?"

"Why, I'm neither a lawyer nor an accountant" he replies. "I'm actualy a reasonable scientist."

"What in hell is a reasonable scientist?" cries the man.

"Well, allow me to give you a demonstration. Do you have any goldfish?" The man nods. "Well then, if you have goldfish it must surely be reasonable to assume that you either keep them in a tank or in a pond."

"Why yes" he replies. "I do keep them in a pond."

"Right" says the reasonable scientist. "Then if you have a pond it must also be reasonable to assume that you have a large house." Again, the man nods. "And if you have a large house it must be reasonable to assume that you have a wife and children."

"Yes," says the man in wonder, "I do."

"Right. And if you have a wife and kids you must have an adequate sex life."

"Of course. Three or four times a week"

"And if youre being serviced that often it is reasonable to assume that you don't masturbate on a regular basis."

"No. Hardly ever."

"Exactly. So you see, by just telling me that you had a goldfish I was able to deduce that you have a large house, a family and that you dont jerk off very often. And that, my friend, is the job of a reasonable scientist."

Thanking him, the man returns to his friend.

"Well," says his friend, "was he a lawyer or an accountant?"

"Neither, he was a reasonable scientist."

"What in hell is a reasonable scientist?"

"Well, its difficult to explain. Allow me to demonstrate. Do you have a goldfish?"

"No," his friend replies.

"Well then: you're a wanker."



nick

[Butterfly Man]

Gazzo had just finished performing at the Halifax Buskerfest and had a bundle of Canadian cash when he realized his visa had run out again. He remembered the last time he crossed the tundra with all that Canadian cash the Immigration agents had stopped him and taken everything.

Determined not to let that happen again he brought a gun along with him this time.

Just as he was about halfway through the woods, Gazzo spotted a small brown bear and thinking it was an INS officer, shot it to death.

Just then he felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to see a really big brown bear.

The bear says to Gazzo, "You just made a big mistake. That was my nephew, and from what I see, you now have two choices, either I maul you to death right now or I fuck you up the bum."

After considering briefly, Gazzo decided to accede to the latter alternative.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Gazzo soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out to find that big brown bear who boned him up the ass. When he did, he shot it to death.

Immediately there was another tap on his shoulder. This time it was a huge black bear standing right behind him. The big black bear said, "That was a really bad mistake, Gazzo. That big brown bear you just shot was my brother, and I’m giving you two choices. Either I maul you to death or I fuck you like a maniac hard up the ass."

Again, Gazzo thought it better to cooperate.

Although he survived, it took several months before Gazzo fully recovered.

Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down that big black bear and shoot it dead.

Almost immediately there was yet another tap on his shoulder.

This time he turned around to find a giant grizzly bear standing behind him.

The grizzly bear winked at him and said, "Admit it, Gazzo, you don't really come to Canada for the busking do you?"

[nick nickolas]

Three cows in a field,which one has Foot and Mouth?
The one on fire....

[Butterfly Man]

After his recent breakup, Nick Nickolas gets slightly drunk and picks up some hot young vixen in a bar.

After a long night of great sex, Nick rolls over, pulls out a cigarette and searches for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asks the pretty young lass if she has one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer." she replied.

He opens the drawer of the bedside table and finds a box of matches sitting
neatly on top of a framed picture of Alakazam. Naturally, Nick begins
to worry.

"This isn’t your boyfriend, is it?" he inquires nervously.

"No, not at all," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Certainly not your brother, then?" he asks.

"No, silly," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, why do you have this picture then?" demands Nick.

Calmly, the girl replied,

"That's me before I took the pole out of my act."

[Butterfly Man]

Once there was a little boy named Chris Karney who lived in the a small town in Iowa.

His dad was into pool hustling but had to quit because he promised his wife he would settle down and set an example for his son.

While struggling to make ends meet, they all had to live in a house without any plumbing. They were forced to use an outhouse and Chris hated that outhouse with a passion. It was unbearably hot in the summer, butt freezing cold in the winter and smelled like a European street performer all the time.

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and Chris determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so Chris decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek.

So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant he was going to break his arm, young Chris asked why.

His dad replied, "someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you,wasn't it, son?"

Chris answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

His dad replied, "Well, Chris, that’s true but George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree!"

Snap!

[nick nickolas]

When Emma and Pee Wee were just getting together Ems Dad was invited over for dinner. He noticed the attention they were giving each other but didn't say anything.
Then Em piped up and said"Dad Iknow what you are thinking and Pee Wee is just my flat mate and that is all"
It was left at that Dad went off home...
A week later Pee Wee noticed the silver gravy boat was missing.
"I don't wanna accuse anyone Em but the gravy boat was there when your Dad was here but it ain't now mmmm I hope you don't mind but I'm gonna have to confront your Dad"
He wrote an email.....
Now I'm not saying you did take the gravy boat and I'm not saying you didn't take the gravy boat but it was there when you came round and it's not now.
The reply he got from her Dad went as follows...
Dear Pee Wee,
I'm not saying you are shagging my daughter and I'm not saying you ain't shagging my daughter but if you had slept in your own bed the last week or so you would've found the gravy boat!