JOKES

[Butterfly Man]

Lucky Rich decideds he’s finished with street performing and wants to travel the world giving lectures on body modification. He decides to improve his vocabulary:


1. Foreclose:
Once I pay for all these tattoos, I got no money foreclose.

2. Rectum:
I had two unicycles once, but Pepé rectum both.

3. Hotel:
I gave KeanO’s girlfriend crabs once, and the hotel everybody.

4. Disappointment:
If I miss disappointment with INS they gonna depot my black ass back to Australia.

5. Israel:
Nick try to rent me his flat. I say man this lease look fake. He say,"Bullshit, that Israel".

6. Catacomb:
I saw Butterfly Man once in a bad toupee. Man, somebody get that catacomb.

7. Undermine:
In Glastonbury once, dis guy swallowed a sword undermine.

8. Acoustic:
Next time I see Gazzo, I’m gonna hit him with acoustic.

9. Iraq:
Then I’m gonna brake his legs and Iraq his nuts.

10. Stain:
If he shows up in Covent Garden again, he won’t be stain long.

11. Seldom:
And if I see his cups n’ balls, I seldom.

12. Honor:
When KeanO seed us with his girlfriend he said,"Who was honor first?"

13. Ax:
I told him it was me, but he wanted to ax me more questions.

14. Fortify:
So I told him I had axed her, "how much?" and she said "fortify."

15. Income:
But just when I finish, income Nick through the door.

16. Omelet:
KeanO said, “I should bust both yo assets but omelet this one slide.”

[Butterfly Man]

El Glenno Grande sees a sign in front of a house :"Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and to his surprise Gazzo answers the door.

Gazzo tells him the dog is in the back yard.

Glenn goes into the back yard and sees the mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" Singer asks. "Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the street performing community, so I told Kim about my gift, and in no time she had me jetting from festival to festival, sitting in hospitality suites with all the acts, ‘cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of her most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, and I wanted to settle down.

So I signed up for a job with Neal to do some undercover work for the Winnipeg Children’s Fest, mostly wandering near suspicious performers and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was given a whole bunch of hush money & ggol’s. So then I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

Grande is amazed. He goes back in and Gazzo what he wants for the dog. Gazzo says, "a fiver"

Glenn says he'll buy him but asks Gazzo, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

Gazzo replies, "because he's such a fuckin’ liar."

[Butterfly Man]

Taxi Trix and Jewels have some time off during the Singapore Festival so they decide to play some golf together. Neither of them are very good, so they decide to take some private lessons from Master Lee.

Karl has his lesson first. After William sees his swing, he
says, "No grasshopper, you need whitewash your act ... you gripping club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?" asks Karl.

"Hold club gently," says William, "just like you'd hold breast."

Karl takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.

Karl goes back to tell Jewels what a great teacher Master Lee is, so Julia hustles over to William for a lesson.

Master Lee watches her swing and says, "No, sweetmeat, you gripping club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks Julia.

"Hold club gently, just like you'd hold penis."

Jewels listens carefully to William's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP... the ball dribbles off the tee. . . about 5 ft.

"That great," Master Lee says, "Now this time, how about take club out of mouth and use hands!"

[Butterfly Man]

Saeed Hakim, MD, Robert Nelson’s proctologist, is intrigued by the fact that his newest patient has two butterflies tattooed on his head and one large butterfly covering his entire ass.

During the initial examination he has Robert spread his cheeks and to his surprise he finds a cork stuck up Robert's rectum.

Figuring that this is one unusual patient, he pulls the cork out and, to his surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again ... just can't wait to get on the road again..."

Dr. Hakim is amazed, and pops the cork back into Robert’s anus. The music stops.

Totally freaked out, Dr. Hakim calls in his entire nursing staff to have a look.

Robert, standing there with his pants around his ankles, hears Dr. Hakim say to his staff, "Look at this everyone, this is really something," and he pulls the cork back out of Robert’s ass, one more time.

The entire staff gasp as they hear:
"On the road again ... just can't wait to get on the road again..."

Robert, reasonably embarrassed to be bent over in this position says, "What’s all the fuss, can’t we just get this examination over with, I have a show at a kid’s birthday party in about an hour!"

"But this the most amazing thing we've ever seen?" says Dr. Hakim.

“What’s the matter”, says Robert, “haven’t you guys ever seen a tattoo before?”

"Are you kidding?" replies Dr. Hakim, “it’s not the tattoo, it’s the music coming out of your ass.”

“Oh, come on”, says Robert, "any asshole can sing country music."

[Peter Voice]

Suddenly, much to his surprise, Robert Nelson found himself on a long queue moving up an enormous staircase to the "Pearly Gates".
"I wonder what happened" he thought, "My chest feels odd, maybe I had a heart attack."

Just as he was trying to figure out his last memories, Robert noticed the most ghastly site in the line just a few people in front of him. It was Gazzo but he looked worse than The Butterfly Man could believe, a sort of blue/grey colour, naked, shivering and barely able to move.

Robert rushed to his side. "God, Gazzo, you look like shit. What happened?"
Gazoo slowly and painfully looked up. "I f-ff-fr-roze tt-t-to d-dd-ddeath. Cc-cc-c-cc-can't m-mm-move y-y-y-y-yet,t,t. W-wh-wha-what h-ha-happened t-t-tto y-you?"

Robert said " I don't quite know but I think I had a heart attack. All I can remember is I was upset. I thought Kumi was having an affair and like a stupid old bastard I let it get to me. I even faked a gig then snuck home to try and catch her. Can you believe it? Sure, she was in bed when I got home but I spent nearly 3 hours searching the house. Not a thing. I felt like an idiot. I prostrated myself (no, that is not DIY surgery) begged her forgiveness. Last thing I remember was going for a beer.

Gazzo looked painfully at him and said, "I-i-if y-yo-you h-ha-had l-looked f-for the b-beer f-fi-first, o-on-only o-one of us w-wo-would b-be here now.

[ 12-18-2002: Message edited by: Peter Voice ]</p>

[martin ewen]

Bill Gates has 7 kitchens and around 70 bathrooms!
Shit, If I was a billionare I wouldn't even have 1 bathroom.
I'd just be like "clean me up, come on 1,000 bucks to the first person to wipe my ass.

[Butterfly Man]

Why it's Better to Be Peter Gross ...

You’re way past 34, still single and nobody even notices.
You only need to shave once a day but it's below your neck.
No one ever accuses you of being a “know-it-all”.
One wallet lasts you a lifetime.
Some of your gigs actually supply public toilets.
You never need to buy greeting cards or pick up "friends" at the airport.
A new haircut doesn’t change your appearance.
Most daily hygiene can be accomplished with just a pocketknife.
You’ve never retained water in your life.
A dry cleaner wouldn't know what to do with your wardrobe.
People never tire of your act because they never watch it more than once.
You never have to clean your apartment unless the meter reader is coming.
You can belch and fart in public and no one thinks the less of you.
Porn movies are designed with people like you in mind.
Your soft underbelly almost hides your little dick.
You never will have to worry about making wedding plans ever again.
Underwear only cost you $10 for a three pack.
People who like your act can usually kill their own food.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, they never even notice when you don’t show up.
Every weekend gig in Baltimore, you get to urinate in public.
No one ever gets that close to your pubic area, so no need to bathe.
Wrinkles don’t form easily on sweaty pallid skin.
One pair of shoes meets most every social obligation.
Phone conversations with “friends” never last more than 30 seconds.
Your last name really says it all.

[Butterfly Man]

Lucky Rich is only 5 years old and is watching his mother in the kitchen making a chocolate cake from scratch.

While his mom has her head turned, Lucky goes to the table, dips both hands into the chocolate frosting and covers his face with it.

His mom turns around to see what Lucky is doing and says "Boy, what the hell do you think you are you doing?"

Lucky gleefully replies "Look, Mama! I'm black!!!"

His mom becomes enraged and slaps the shit out of him.

She then says "Lucky, go show your father what you've done!”

Lucky then walks into the den where his father is reading and says "Look Daddy! I'm black!!!"

His father puts his magazine down and gets a very puzzled look on
his face from seeing the chocolate on Lucky's face.

His dad then says "Come here, Lucky!" and he smacks Lucky across the back of his head.

Then his father says "Now go show your grandpa what you've done!!!"

Lucky then slowly walks to his grandpa who is on the porch and says,"Um....Grandpa. Look what I did. I'm black”

His grandfather says gruffly "COME HERE, LUCKY !!!" and he bends Lucky over his knee and proceeds to spank the crap out of him.

"That'll teach you!”, says grandpa, “Now go back in the kitchen with your mama!!"

Lucky sulks back into the kitchen and his mom says, "I hope you've learned your lesson, Lucky!"

Lucky gets a scowl on his face and says, "Fuck yeah! I've only been black for 5 minutes and I hate all you white muthafuckers already!"

[martin ewen]

There was a penguin driving his car down a desert road.

It was a really hot day, and his car is really a really old convertible. Up ahead he saw a small town.

All of a sudden, his hood burst open and oil shot into the air.

He pulled it into the first mechanic he saw in the town and cleaned himself off. The mechanic told him it could be a little while, so he waddled across the street to the ice-cream stand.

He got a dish of vanilla ice-cream, and since he had no arms, just flippers, he had to fling it towards his mouth. Well, after he finished his ice-cream, and was covered with vanilla ice-cream, he waddled across the street back to the mechanic.

The mechanic was looking at the engine and said, "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin says, "I did NOT! It's just ice-cream!"

[robin good]

whats that fat around the vagina called? anwser: its called a woman

[martin ewen]

Q: Whats a long very lonely self induced passage of time puntuated by morose fits of low grade, emotionally detatched, masterbation .

A:robin goods life.

( you are either actually 12 or retarded)

[em]

martin, you answer posts sometimes in ways i can only dream of. Hope to see you soon????

[robin good]

a stuntman in a circus arena: i will now place my dick in the mouth of the croc. After he has placed it there he whips the croc on the back. and says to a hushed public. Anyone daring to have a go step right up. up steps an old lady ;I'll have a try if you promise not to whip so hard.

[robin good]

[ 02-04-2003: Message edited by: robin good ]

[ 02-04-2003: Message edited by: robin good ]</p>

[martin ewen]

You know people who hide behind half arsed names, have no reference to any of us or friends among us, act like infantile wannabes, try really badly to agitate,(" I'm not retarded , you are")
Well they annoy me because they presume that anyones interested in what passes for thought in their purile little halfwits.
But the most annoying thing, and its really not that big a deal because the worlds full of victims, is that once again, a lonely asshole from amsterdam pesters people pointlessly. (Son of trev)
I hate it when people just can't figure out that you need a mind for drugs to influence and they ignore the fact that theirs aint that grand to begin with and they take lots of drugs and yes it does retard them.
I'm guessing you started about 12.