JOKES

[Whaleman]

It is Friday afternoon,Emma and Nick are chatting away when A huge bunch of flowers gets delivered for Emma....She says "Oh god now I am going to have to spend all weekend with my Legs in the air"...Nick replies "Don't you have a vase?"

[DEBBIE ROBINSON]

A chicken and an egg were lying in bed. The chicken was smiling and smoking a cigarette while the egg looked decidedly miserable. The egg muttered; 'Well, I guess we answered that question."

[DEBBIE ROBINSON]

A mother took her young daughter to the zoo one day. After seeing the lions and tigers, they reached the elephants enclosure. The bull elephant looked mad and, to the embarrassement of the mother, had a huge erection.
" Do you think he'll charge?" asked the little girl.
" I think he'd be entitled to, " sighed the mother.

[Cacoal]

Chicken and a horse are walking along when the horse gets stuck in a bog. The horse says "Help me! I'm stuck!" The resourceful chicken runs to a nearby house were he borrows a BMW and a rope and drives back, throws the rope to the horse and pulls the horse out. A while latter the chicken gets stuck in another bog (I'm not sure why they're walking down this bog riddled path so don't ask) and this time the horse simply straddles the bog, tells the chicken to grab on and then he pulls the chicken free.
The moral of the story: "When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks!"
I know another bad pun. Forgive me.

[Butterfly Man]

Kris gets a call from the hospital. They tell her Gazzo’s had a terrible stroke and is lying face down on Venice Beach.

She calls Butterfly Man who rushes over to the pitch, picks Gaz off the ground and drives him to the hospital.

Kris arrives at the ER and says her husband’s had a stroke. They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor.

The doctor comes out to the waiting room with Butterfly Man and they both see Kris, who is terribly upset.

Butterfly Man tells the doctor to let him tell Kris about Gazzo’s condition so he could be gentle. The doctor nods and leaves.

"Robert, what's happened? How is Gazzo?" asks Kris.

Butterfly Man sits down next to her and says, "It’s not good news Kris. Gazzo's had a terrible stroke and has a blood clot in his brain."

"Oh my God" says Kris, "what will be his prognosis?"

"Well” says Robert “his vital signs are stable. However, the brain embolism is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed him."

Kris begins to sob.

"And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia and bed sores." says Robert.

Kris begins to wail and cry loudly.

"Then, of course," he continued, "you'll have to diaper him as he'll have no control over his bladder, and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." says Butterfly Man.

Kris begins to shake as she cries, sobs and wails.

Robert continues: "And you'll have to clean up his feces on a regular basis as he'll have no control over his sphincters. His bowels will engorge quite often, I'm afraid. Of course you must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent he'll be emitting regularly."

Now Kris is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably, and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Butterfly Man reaches out his hand and pats her on the shoulder.

"Hey Kris, I’m just fucking with you, he's dead."

[DEBBIE ROBINSON]

How sad and true this tale is.

'No control over his bladder' ...sadly oh so true
' Emmittence of putrid effluence'.... oh yes true, very true
He will 'need feeding' .... desperately true
'He'll have no motor skills or capability' ... true, true. true

How do I

[DEBBIE ROBINSON]

....How do I know....

The fat fuck has been lying on our sofa for a week and rarely moved, pissed all over the toilet seat, farted for England, and was never never far from a pie.

TIP:
Confronted with whale on sofa 3 words can sometimes instill movement
Beer, Pie, Beer .

[Peter Voice]

Debbie, you only have to tell him about the spider that lives under the couch. He'll be out of there faster than you can show him it's web.

[DEBBIE ROBINSON]

Hi Peter,
He has departed..Shit ! Forgot about the spider thing though.
I remember at Nicks once putting a whopping big fake spider on his shoulder - never seen someone move so quick, 'bout had a second stroke ! For a whale he sure can move. It was funny.
mmmm....Gazzo/spider jokes..?

[DEBBIE ROBINSON]

How quickly a day can change?...just heard he's on his way back here - spiders to the ready !
What fun.

[Pyromancer]

Jesus is being crucified. A huge crowd gathers on top of a hill. Petrus is amongst them. Hand by hand and foot after foot, Jesus is nailed to the cross, and then it is erected. It's the beginning of a tense hour of waiting. The mesias seems to be losing his powers rapidly.

But then, he raises his head, searches for Petrus' eyes and calls for him: "P..P.Pee.trus...." Petrus tries to fight his way forwars, but is violently pushed back by the Romans, severely injuring his body.

Again, a couple of hours pass by, before Jeses raises his head again, being even weaker than before. Again he addresses "P....P...Pe...Peetrrusss......"

Petrus really wants to be there for Jesus, so once again he challanges the Romans. A violent fight follows, but again he is stopped, this time they chop of one of his hands.

Painfull hours have gone by, when Jesus, clearly with the last of his power raises his head. Probly for the last time he faintly calls Petrus again: "P...p...p...p...e...e..tr...u....s...s..."

This time, Petrus is overwhelmed by a godly power and again he engages in a big fight with the Romans. The chop of one of his feet now, but a miracle happens and Petrus manges to reach the cross, falls on what's left of his knees and shouths: "Yes Mylord!...." and Jesus replies: "Petrus.... I can see your house from up here...."

David Pyromancer

[ 05-06-2002: Message edited by: Pyromancer ]</p>

[Peter Voice]

Evan Young is now into day 22 of his new life as a nomadic "Street Performer" and is now, of course, dead broke. It's raining on the only pitch in town, and he's wandering around lost when he runs into Nick Nicholas. Evan is soon disappointed to find that Nick is not only just as lost but just as broke. They have $1.30 between them.
Nick brightens up and says "Hey, I've got a bang on plan just work with me, OK?" then he rushes into the nearest butcher shop to buy a single thick pork sausage.
Stuffing it into his pants, he told Evan the plan.
They strolled down the street to the nearest bar, walked in, ordered two huge beers and some food. Quickly drinking their beers, Nick undid his fly and stuck out the sausage. Evan played his part by toying with it and the barman was outraged, "Get out, Get out!" he screamed, "You can't do that in here" and threw them out without collecting his money.
Three pubs and three more huge beers later, they were laughing. This time they aimed a bit higher and went into an upmarket restaurant. After an exquisite entree, the lobster and a chocolate mousse that could well kill Gazzo(not to mention two bottles of wine, the cost of which would buy you a serviceable family sedan), Nick does his trick, but being a discreet restaurant no-one pays any attention to Evan's fondling until he decides to pretend to give Nick a head job. The staff go crazy and, again, throw them out without collecting any money.
And so it goes on, pub after pub, until about 20 beers later Evan turns to Nick and says "Enough's enough. I've gotta stop. Thanks for everything, man, I've had a great time. What a great scam. I really really had a great time"
"You had a great time?" said Nick, "I lost the sausage back at the restaurant"

[ 05-07-2002: Message edited by: Peter Voice ]</p>

[Butterfly Man]

One afternoon Young Raoul came home from the Winnipeg Kiddie Fest office to find total mayhem in his house. His children were outside, still in their underwear, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and candy wrappers strewn all around them.

The door of Miriam's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys, discarded beer cans & empty bottles of liquor.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door and there was dog shit everywhere.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and piles of clothes, looking for Miriam. He found her lounging in bed, still curled up in her pj's, writing her third novel.

She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked,"Miriam, how can we live like this?"

Miriam smiled and answered, "Well, I thought Butterfly Man was coming over, so I hired a maid to make a good impression!"

[Butterfly Man]

After the Hawaiian Juggling Convention, Michiel Hesseling heads over to Belly Acres.

While he's working on the land, Waldo stops by and hands him an ad for Waldo & Woodhead's new golf resort in Kona where everything costs one dollar.

Michiel jumps at the offer and heads over to the Kona side.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes
for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. At the desk, they tell him his room is only a buck a day!

Then next morning, he heads out to play another round of golf and he is surprised to see Waldo working in the pro shop.

Feeling great, he buys a sleeve of three balls and charges them to his room.

As he's checking out, he looks at the bill and sees "Golf: $1. 00. Dinner: $1.00. Room: $1.00. Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00"

He hits the ceiling!

Calling Woodhead, he screams, "What the hell is this all about Woodhead!? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three fuckin' golf balls?"

"Sorry," said Woody, "but you should have read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."

"Fuck," said Michiel, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've
gone to the Four Seasons and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"

"That's right, brah, you could have," said Woody. "Over there, they get you by the room. Over here, we get you by the balls!

[Butterfly Man]

Pee Wee & Emma of Stickleback Plasticus are packing up after a crap show at a veteran cookout in Guernsey.

The sound was terrible, no one could hear them and Pee Wee dropped Emma three times.

Pee Wee looks over at Emma and says: "You know Em, your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than that bloody fuckin’ barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then go over to where Emma was packing up and measure her bottom.

"Yes, I was right”, he said, “your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"

Emma chose to ignore his rude remark because she just wanted to get the hell out of there.

On the way home, Pee Wee is feeling a little frisky and makes a few advances towards Emma.

As usual, she tells him to sod off.

"What's wrong luv?" Pee Wee asks with a sheepish grin.

Emma answers: "Well, for one thing, Pee Wee, today, you were bloody out of order. For another, in case you haven’t noticed, you are very fuckin’ ugly ... and finally, you should know, there is no way in hell that I’m gonna fire up this big-ass grill for just one little weenie!"