JOKES

[Xed]

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat"

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

[ALAKAZAM]

There was butterfly man,gazzo and bill ferguson walking down the street.They pass the guiness book of world records offices.
Gazzo says to butterfly man"hey man,you've got pretty small feet,maybe you should go in there and have them measure your feet ,you might have the smallest feet for a man your age"so buttman goes inside ,comes out with a plaque 10 minutes later with a big smile"I do have the smallest feet for a man my age"
Then gazzo says to bill"you've got really long ginger hair.You might have the longest ginger hair for any man"so bill goes in and emerges 10 minutes later with a similar plaque and a big smile "hey ,hey I'm in "he says.
Butterflyman looks at gazzo and says"hey gazzo,you have a real small penis,maybe you should go in there and have it measured,could be a record"
gazzo goes in,20 minutes go by ,he emerges with no plaque and no smile and says.
"Who the fuck is bike boy"

[Airborne Dan]

Alakazam is speeding down a highway and knitting at the same time.

He fly's by a state trooper who is infuriated by his careless driving.

The trooper pulls his car next to Alakazam's and shouts "pull over"

Alakazam replies, "no it's a scarf".

[Airborne Dan]

What's the difference between Peter Gross and The Butterfly Man?

Peter Gross snatches watches...

[Jim]

<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" size="2">Originally posted by Airborne Dan:
What's the difference between Peter Gross and The Butterfly Man?

Peter Gross snatches watches...

Wouldn't that be funnier if it were Peter Gross and Alakazam?

[Butterfly Man]

Airborne Dan went down to audition at Faneuil Hall. He set his portable piano up and began to play the most beautiful melody. People began to gather around to listen and when he was done they burst into applause.

Jim of the Jim Show who was working the main pitch said, "That was the most beautiful song I have ever heard!" and asked whether it was Chopin or Brahms.

Airborne Dan replied that he wrote it himself. Jim asked what he called it.

Dan replied, "Lift up your blouse and show me your tits".

Jim was a little dumbfounded but asked him to play another song.

Airborne Dan played another song even more beautiful than the first
and he gathered an even bigger crowd and at the end got even more applause. "Was that Bach or Beethoven?" asked Jim.

"I wrote that one myself as well." replied Dan. Somewhat reluctantly, Jim
asked the name of the song. "Bend over, lift up your skirt and show me
where the sun never shines." replied Dan.

With Jim’s recommendation, Dan passed the audition and was given a spot under the condition that he just play and never introduce his songs.

Two weeks later, Airborne Dan came out and played his first set to huge crowds. After his last show he asked Cyrus if he would watch his piano while he used the restroom. Cyrus agreed to do it for only five dollars.

While standing at the urinal Peter Gross came up and said "You are the greatest piano player I have ever heard! May I have your autograph?" Airborne Dan obliged and was so excited that Peter spoke to him that he went back to the pitch without zipping up his fly.

As Cyrus was recounting the five bucks for the third time he turned to Dan and said "You are the probably the best piano player I have ever heard since Hokum W. Jeebs but do you know your zipper is down and your dick is hanging out?"

"Do I know it? Dan replied. "Hell, I WROTE IT!!!!!"

[Peter Voice]

Dale Thompson traded in his BMW for the latest, coolest model and took it for a spin. The combination of an ugly bend and too much speed, of course, was inevitable and he lost it. The car was totally trashed and chaos reigned (no-one had an umbrella).
As Dale staggered from the wreck, the police and ambulances arrived, but you could hardly hear them for his wailing, "Oh my car, my beautiful Beemer, it was brand new. Oh God my car".
The paramedics arrived and pleaded with him to calm down, "For christ's sake", they said "Forget the car man, you're badly hurt. Look you've lost your left arm".
"Oh No", screamed Dale, "My Rolex"

[This message has been edited by Peter Voice (edited 02-28-2001).]

[Airborne Dan]

What's the difference between Cyrus and a church bell?

A church bell peals from the steeple...

[GianDeau]

Todd of the Devilinis dies and goes to Hell. (It was that crib death joke.) Satan is giving him a tour of the facilities when they pass a room where Master Lee is making out with a really ugly woman.

"Why is William with that ugly woman?" asks Todd.

"Well," replies the Devil, "in life, Master Lee was a real skirt chaser, so this is his eternal punishment."

They keep walking, and soon come to a room where Johnny Fox is making out with a hideously ugly woman.

"Why is Johnny with that grotesque woman?" inquires Todd.

"In life," says Satan, "Johnny was a real skirt chaser, and this is his punishment."

Further along the tour Todd and Satan come to a third room. Inside is Peter Gross, getting a blow job from Angelina Jolie.

Aghast, Todd asks, "Why does Peter get Angelina Jolie when the other two were with such hags?"

"Well," Satan responds, "in life, Angelina was a real zipper chaser..."

(love ya', Peter)

~Stephon




[This message has been edited by GianDeau (edited 03-05-2001).]

[Butterfly Man]

One day in the future, Young Raoul has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

Young One thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Gazzo doing his magic routine for US Immigration and Naturalization officials. No one was laughing and he was being heckled by Nick Nickolas throughout the performance. He kept flashing cards & dropping oranges over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Neal said. "I don't think so. Thankfully, I've never had a stroke and I don't drool all over myself like that and I could never be so pathetic."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Butterfly Man freemounting a six foot unicycle over and over again. Each time, he landed on his left testicle, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my pride. I would be in constant agony and humiliation if I had to be a juggler for even one day," commented Neal.

The devil opened a third door. In it Young One saw Bobarino Gravatinni, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Kate the Great, doing what she does
best.

Raoul took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Kate, you're free to go!"

[Queenie1]

Dear Tod
Have you ever seen a 6 week old cot death baby in a coffin?
NO????
ITS GUT WRENCHING AND NOT FUNNY??????

[Queenie1]

Sorry if that seems to have come from out of the blue...the posts all seem to be in one order one minute, then another...I thought Tod had reposted the sick joke.
Queenie
I have asked Jim to delete my other post.

[Todd]

Queeny,
If you are really that offended then send an email to me directly and we can chat about the nature of comedy and how not everything is funny to everyone. Dark/black comedy has its place in the world of funny. Also, way post this now? Its been at least 3 weeks from the time I posted that joke. Did it take you that long to be offened, or has it just stewed in your mind for that long? If you are that offended then, dont read it? Stop revisiting a topic that obviously gives you alot of grief. Or you can be offened and post a ton of posts ranting posts trying to change the world that you find so wrong. Or you could open a debate about why dark humor bothers you and we could all join in on a debate about the nature of what is funny and the ar t of comedy. If you just want to tell me I'm sick over and over again,(maybe I am) well then I'll just not respond to your posts and eventually you will get tired and drop it. BTW the person that posted the joke where I go to hell for telling the baby joke, hes a good friend of mine.
Too those of you regulars here, I'm sorry for responding to Queenys post. I know that once you get her started she wont stop, so thats why I'm inviting her to take up the debate with me personally through email.
Sorry Jim.

[nick nickolas]

q...
No one is equal at using more words to say nothing mmm(mabye Trevor)
We're waiting for you to come forth with elongated brilliant flashes of silence.
We liked you when we first met you then you talked us out of it.
n....

[Butterfly Man]

This is at least as funny as what has been going on here ... jokes ... remember ... jokes!


On the outskirts of Halifax, there was a big old pecan tree by a cemetery fence. One day Derek & Eric filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight and began dividing them up.

“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said Eric. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Alakazam came riding along the road on his scooter. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.” He just knew what it was. “Oh my,”
he shuddered, “it's the devil herself, Kim Hendrickson and omnipotent Shelly Switzer dividing up the street performer souls at the cemetery.” He jumped back on his scooter and rode off.

Just around the bend he met Butterfly Man with a cane, hobbling along.

“Come here quick,” said Alakazam, “you won't believe what I heard. Kim and Shelly are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls of all the street performers.” Butterfly Man said, “Beat it, Al, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.” When Al insisted, though, Butterfly Man hobbled over to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me.”

“One for you, one for me.” Robert whispered, “Damn, but if you ain’t been tellin' the truth, Al. Let's see if we can see the devil herself.” Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. Then Butterfly Man and Al gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Kim.

At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go split up those two big nuts by the fence, and we'll be done.”

They say despite his enlarged testicles, Butterfly Man beat Alakazam back to Fenwick Towers.