JOKES

[Butterfly Man]

After a killer set at the Dux De Lux, Seymour of the Blackstreet Boyz meets a young lass who keeps plying him with drinks.

Not wanting his other bitches to get jealous, Seymour suggests they go over to The Loaded Hog to catch the midnight show.

As she is driving over there she puts one hand on Seymour’s knee.

“Damn”, says Seymour, “You is passionate.”

“Wicked!”, she thinks, and puts her hand on Seymour’s thigh.

“Whoa”, says Seymour, “Bitch, you sho is passionate!”

“Choice!”, she says, and she grabs for Seymour’s crotch.

“Wass up wis dat shit!”, says Seymour, “You way too passionate!”

“I’m sorry!”, says the girl, “I thought you wanted me to touch you.”

“Tusch me all you like, you bish,” says Seymour, “but if you wans to go to da Loaded Hog, you bes stop this mutherfuckin’ car, ‘cause you done passhin' it!”

[Butterfly Man]

You know you are at Martin Ewen’s Birthday Party when:

1. The best gift he receives is an offer to smuggle him over the border.

2. The cake says "Happy Birthday Lurk" and the candles are 10 feet in the air.

3. The party is at a sanatorium and everyone brings a sleeping bag ... some are even wearing them.

4. There are only two kid’s there and one of them just set the other one’s hair on fire.

5. Instead of playing pin the tail on the donkey, there is a projectile vomiting contest.

6. They don't sing Happy Birthday, instead everyone chants Nietzsche.

7. Party favors are handed out in Zip-Lock baggies.

8. The birthday cake has black icing and made from Daiquiri mix.

9. You over hear Bobarrino Gravattini tell him "I am going to get you something next week when I pay off my child support".

10. Most of the gifts are rolled up Canadian change.

11. Martin is late to his own party because he has been up all night writing 3 torches on a unicycle jokes.

12. The entertainment is 35 balloon clowns and a nun in a stripper’s outfit.

13. Butterfly Man calls and wishes him a “Happy Birthday” from Recovery.

[Butterfly Man]

Attorney General Ashcroft visits Australia.

He is passing through Darling Harbour when he decides to give an impromptu question and answer session to the street performing community.

"All right now, everyone here ... except Damian & Rusty Balls ... you can all ask me any question you like about American foreign policy."

Peter Voice raises his hand and says, "I have three questions:

1. Why does America think it can invade any country in the world and impose it’s own political agenda.

2. How does the United States justify killing thousands of innocent people in order to control the production and distribution of oil in the middle east.

3. Don’t you feel the USA is being hypocritical when they themselves produce and supply Israel with weapons of mass destruction?

Just then, Chance startles everyone by climbing to the top of Alakazams pole, setting himself on fire and screaming something about missing footwear.


Fifteen minutes later, Chance’s body is dragged away with oil and money smeared all over his charred remains.

Ashcroft says,
"I'm sorry we were interrupted by that, isn’t it remarkable how quickly spandex burns. Now, to continue, you can all ask me anything you like."

Sharon Mahoney raises her hand and says, "I have five questions:
1. Why does America think it can invade any country in the world and impose it’s own political agenda.

2. How does the United States justify killing thousands of innocent civilians in order to control the production and distribution of oil in the middle east.

3. Don’t you feel the USA is being hypocritical when they themselves produce and supply Israel with weapons of mass destruction?

4. Can I go up next?

5. Where's Peter?

[Peter Voice]

On his travels around Greece the Butterfly Man decided to visit Mikonos for a quiet break but when he got there the place was a total disaster area as Club Med were building a huge new resort on the beachfront. Nothing but scaffolding and builder's labourers as far as the eye could see.
He sat in a little bar, looking at the concrete mixers and decided that there was nothing of interest for him here and he would leave on the next ferry tomorrow.
As he despondantly sipped his ouzo, he was stunned to see a goose in coveralls enter the bar.
The goose put his tool kit on the floor, struggled up onto a barstool and said "Hey, Nick gimme a beer will ya".
Robert was gobsmacked, "A talking goose?" he thought but before he could act, the goose finished his beer, grabbed his tools and was gone.
The lepidopterously labelled lunatic rushed to the barman. "What was that about?" he asked and the barman said "oh, that's just Joe, he comes in for a beer after work each night".
Robert thought about this and decided to stay a little longer and the next day saw him sitting at the bar awaiting the arrival of "Joe" the goose.
As soon as he entered, Robert rushed to his side and offered him a beer.
"Thanks" said Joe "but why? I don't even know you".
So Robert introduced himself and the two fell into conversation. After telling Joe about his life long love of juggling and circus arts, he finally said, "Joe, have you ever thought of working in the circus, you have a unique talent and everyone would love you. You'd make $millions$".
Joe stopped drinking and sat thoughtfully for several minutes.
"Are you suggesting I'd make good money working for a circus?" he asked.
"Yes, millions" said Robert.
"But" said Joe "What the hell would they need a plasterer for?"

[Julia]

thought this was funny!

thought this is funny!

http://crew.tweakers.net/JvS/zooi/realhussein.swf

j

[Butterfly Man]

Saint Peter is standing duty at the Pearly Gates when Nick Nickolas, Gazzo, Pepe and KeanO show up.

Saint Peter looks at the motley crew and queries "What do you lot want?"

Pep is first to jump in: "Wha’s it look like guv ... we just stepped out for a quick pint and now we’re back ... "

Saint Peter says, "Hold on the lot of you! We’ve never had this many British ex-patriot street acts come here before ... I'll have to go talk to God about this."

Saint Peter departs briefly and goes to see God.

Saint Peter says, "God,it’s unbelievable! There are four filthy, Covent Garden types at the Pearly Gates. What should I do?"


God says, "What? That’s impossible! We've never had four limey dirtbags show up at once before. Tell them we'll take 1 now, and the other 3 can try again later."

So Saint Peter goes back to the Pearly Gates.

Upon arriving, he immediately turns around and runs back to see God again ... this time at flank speed.

Saint Peter gets back and wails, "God ...God ... they're not there any more!"

God says, “Who, those four pasty faced, chair worshiping, island dwelling pitch scum?"

Saint Peter says, "No, the reader’s humor and delight in dicovering the four old, pathetic, alcoholic street dregs would steal the goddamn gates."

[ 06-13-2003: Message edited by: Butterfly Man ]</p>

[Mr.Taxi Trix]

After a long absence, Butterfly Man revisits "Belly Acres" for the 19th
Hawaiian Juggling Convention.

On his first day down at the warm ponds, he takes off his clothes and starts
showing off his 3rd tattoo.

Jenny the Juggler walks by and Robert immediately gets an erection.

She notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says:
"Robert, did you call for me?"

Butterfly replies: "No, what do you mean?"

"Well", she says: "You haven't been here for awhile; let me explain. Since
I now rule the Renegade Stage and I gave you an erection, it implies you
called for me." Smiling, she then lays Robert onto a towel and proceeds to
fuck his brains out.

After about 30 seconds, Robert feels so invigorated that he thinks now he'd
like to try to swing on the rope over the pond. As he flies through the air,
he loses his grip, as he did during so many shows, lets out a huge fart and falls into the water.

Within a few seconds, Kahuna, with a firm erection, lumbers out of the water
behind him. Scotty says: "Bolo head, did you call for me?"

Robert replies: "No Kahuna, what do you mean?"

Kahuna says: "New dakine rule around here now, brah ... if you fart,
it implies you called for me." Then Pruitt spins Robert around, bends him
over a rock and bones him up the ass.

Robert, shaking and trembling, rushes back to Graham's office where Dave Rave greets him. "Wassamatter Robert, you look terrible.", he says.

Butterfly says: "Dave, this is fucked up, I"m getting outta here! Ever since
that Michael Marlin episode a few years back, you bohemians have gotten a
bunch of fucked up rules. I'm bailing ... even IJA conventions are better
than this!"

Dave says, "But Robert, don't you want to go to the lava flow or the black
sand beach ... don't you at least want to hang around for Renegade?"

Butterfly Man screams ... "Fuck no, listen, I'm 53 years old ... I get a
hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day... aloha, my ass!"

[Thanakos]

Hello..

did you guys heard about that new restaurant in the moon?
Great food but no atmosphere,,!

My name is thanos and this is my chance to say hi and nice to meet you all and participate in this extremely interesting web page with lots of animation,movement,concept,dancing and flower demonstration...(?)

[DEBBIE ROBINSON]

That's a funny joke.
I know it's old and it's crap, but it's funny !
Made me laugh.
funnnnnnny

Nice one...... Thanos..?

[Peter Voice]

Inspired by his recent adventures into proctology and depressed by the mediocrity of his show, the Butterfly Man decided to return to medicine. Figuring he'd had 35 yrs of drugs, he didn't bother to do a refresher course in pharmacology but used his out dated degree to get himself into a real medicine course at B.C.U. (Beaver Creek Uni).

In due course (3 years longer than most) he graduated and went into general practice.

After a few weeks, in came Alakazam, "Robert" he said, "What about your receptionist. Wow, what a doll! How did you get Kumi to let you hire HER?".

"Actually" he replied, "They liked each other as soon as they met and she's quite cool with it. But surely, that's not what you came to see me about, is it?"
"Well not really", said Al, " I feel like shit, no energy, everything hurts and I'm getting weaker by the day".
"OK, let's take some blood and do a few tests and I'll get you to come back next week", said Dr.(say what???) Nelson in his best professional voice.

Al turns up early and spends ten minutes drooling over the receptionist before Dr Nelson is free to see him.

Robert is terribly sombre as he asks him in and ushers him to his seat and Al, having the usual street performer's sense of mood and atmosphere, says, "Tell me straight, Robert, "Doc", I can handle it. Do you think I've got a chance with your secretary?".

"Not now Al.", said Robert nervously, "This is serious and it's been playing havoc with my nerves all day. Do you want the good news or the bad news first?".

Suddenly sober, Al fidgeted a bit, then said, "Go on, do your worst, I've seen your show. Give me the bad news first".

"Well, basically, you're fucked, Al", said the Butterfly Man, "You've got AIDS, 2 types of hep, 3 types of venereal disease, your liver is shot and you'll be lucky to survive the next three weeks but we can put you through a torturous therapy regime that might help you survive an extra year or two if you want".

"You mean that's it!", cried a panicking Al, "I'm going to die and you think it's good news that, with your medications and other shit, you might keep me alive a little longer?".

"No, no, no!!! That's just the bad news, Al", said Doctor Nelson.
"The good news is that Kumi and the receptionist want to have a threesome with me tonight."

[ 06-06-2003: Message edited by: Peter Voice ]</p>

[Butterfly Man]

Lee Zimmerman, the rock n’ roll puppeteer, had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle Emma’s sensual breasts, but he knew that her partner, Peewee, would kick his ass if he ever caught him.

One day he revealed his secret desire to Young Raoul who now ran the Winnipeg Kiddie Fest. He asked the Young One if he could possibly book Stickleback Plasticus so that he might be able to satisfy his insatiable lust.

Neal agreed but said it would cost him 6 cartons of duty free Camels and twice the normal allotment of ggol’s (generous gifts of love) to arrange it.

Without pause, Lee readily agreed, saying he would gladly buy the smokes and provide the ggol’s and would even throw in some nudie photo’s originally promised to Dean of the Green Fools. Anything, just for the chance to satisfy his unquenchable desire to snuggle Emma’s ta ta’s.

As everyone was being booked into the hotel in Winnipeg, Raoul rushed home to search his basement for some Lycopodium powder that he had formerly used to blow fire out of his ass. He managed to find a small stash of it in the back pocket of his threadbare, tattered and torn 10 ft. radioactive Elvis costume.

Meanwhile, Emma, pleasantly surprised to discover that she had her own room with a private jacuzzi directly adjoining the hospitality suite, settled into her luxurious bath.

The Young One hurriedly returned, snuck through the hospitality suites adjoining door and poured a healthy dose of the Lycopodium Powder into the top of her ballroom dancing costume.

The next morning, as she dressed for opening ceremonies, the burning in Emma’s breasts grew so intense she asked Herr Director if he could possibly call for a doctor, otherwise she and Peewee would have to cancel their part in the show.

Raoul made a few calls and quickly returned to tell her that he had spoken to a doctor and discovered that only a special antidote found in certain saliva could cure this type of burning. He said that only Lee, the Rock n’ Roll puppeteer, had enough of that antidote in his saliva to stop the burning.

Though Peewee was initially skeptical he was eventually convinced and reluctantly agreed to allow Lee to proceed. So, the fortunate rock n’ roll puppeteer began to lick, suck, nuzzle and suckle Emma’s magnificent breasts until the burning was completely gone. As soon as Peewee saw Emma was OK he pulled the frenetic Lee off of her so they could go do their show, leaving Lee giggling and resplendent in his delirium.

Later that evening, in the hospitality suite, Young One pulled the still giddy puppeteer aside to remind him of the extra allotment of ggols. However, Lee, now completely satisfied, ignored him and eventually told The Young One to “fuck off and die”.

The next morning, Raoul dumped what was left of the Lycopodium powder into Peewee’s jockstrap.

[martin ewen]

go to google
type in 'Weapons of mass destruction'
Click on the "I'm feeling lucky' button

[em]

ooo have we got a gig in Winnipeg?
x

[nick nickolas]

Tried it Martin ..this is what came up...

The weapons you are looking for are currently unavailable. The country might be experiencing technical difficulties, or you may need to adjust your weapons inspectors mandate.
--------

p.s. Is there such thing as a palastinian blow up doll ?

[Peter Voice]

Gazzo was sitting quietly at home last night when a sudden frantic knocking at the door disturbed his peace.
He opened the door and Robert Nelson rushed in waving his arms wildly as he raced around the room.
"Gazzo, Gazzo." he shouted, "You've got to help me. I think I really have turned into a moth. I can't help myself."
Gazzo worriedly watched him run around the room flapping his arms and said, "Robert, I don't know what to say. Perhaps you need a psychiatrist because I don't think I can help you."
"Of course you can, you idiot" shouted Robert as he raced around the room flapping his arms, "TURN OFF THE FUCKIN' LIGHT"

[ 09-16-2003: Message edited by: Peter Voice ]</p>