JOKES

[gazzo osborne]

TRIONA YOU'R A CUNNING STUNT

[Butterfly Man]

Gazzo walks into a bar carrying a duck under his arm.

The bartender says, "Hey, you can't bring that pig into the bar."

Gazzo says, "It's not a pig, it's Triona."

The bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

[Butterfly Man]

Flattop goes to London and visits Covent Garden for the first time.

After strolling around and catching all the acts, he happened to look up and see Lucky Diamond Rich at the top of a tall building. Lucky, despondent that Keane O was back and getting all the attention now, looked like he was ready to jump off.

Concerned about Lucky's fate, Reuben immediately started thinking of things he could tell him so that Lucky would want to live and would not jump.

"Remember your wife," yelled Flattop.

"She divorced me," said Lucky.

"Remember your children," yelled Reuben.

"They ran away," said Richy.

"Remember your parents," yelled Flattop.

"They are dead," said Greg.

"Remember Martin Luther King ," yelled Reuben.

"Who is Martin Luther King?" inquired Lucky.

"Jump, you black motherfucker!" replied Flattop, "Jump."


[img]cool.gif[/img]

[ 07-26-2002: Message edited by: Butterfly Man ]</p>

[Triona]

[quote]Originally posted by gazzo osborne:
<strong>TRIONA YOU'R A CUNNING STUNT</strong><hr></blockquote>

Yes, and one that should only be tried by a select few at home or anywhere else for that matter [img]tongue.gif[/img]

[ 07-26-2002: Message edited by: Triona ]</p>

[Butterfly Man]

Waldo takes Joanne over to the Kona side to play her first game of golf. Of course, Joanne promptly hacks her first shot right through the window of one of the biggest mansions adjacent to the course.

Waldo cringes, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So they walk up to the mansion and knock at the door. A voice says, "Come on in."

When they open the door they see the damage that was done: glass all over the floor, and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the busted window.

A man reclining on the couch asks, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh ... yeah, sir.” Wally replies, “We're sure sorry about that."

"Oh, no apology necessary.” says the man, “Actually, I want to thank you.” “You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.”

“And now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" Waldo says. He then ponders it over a moment and blurts out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll also guarantee you a long and healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asks.

"I'd like to own several gorgeous homes complete with servants in every country in the world," Joanne says.

"Consider it done," the genie says. "And as an added bonus, your homes also will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," Waldo & Joanne ask in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"

"Well”, he answers, looking at Joanne, “Since I've been trapped in that damn bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, I would like to have sex with you."

Waldo looks at Joanne and says, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

Joanne mulls it over for a few moments and says, "You know Wally, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know sweetheart," says Waldo. "I love you, no matter what!"

So the genie and Joanne go upstairs where they spend the rest of the afternoon having hot wild sex. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours, the perspiring genie rolls over and looks directly into Joanne’s eyes and asks "By the way, how old are you and Waldo anyway?”

"Why, we're both 35," she responds breathlessly.

"No shit?” says the man, “Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?"

[Butterfly Man]

Alakazam, after a successful summer, decides to take some time off from performing and invite three of his favorite nubiles over, all on the same night.

He is a little nervous if he can handle all three at once so he goes up to Butterfly Man and asks if he’s got any Viagra he can borrow.

Robert gives him a couple but warns, “These are triple strength tablets Al, so you must be real careful!”

Al takes them, thanks Robert, and heads home to wait for the girls.

When he gets back at his apartment he starts to fret that even he might not be able to handle all three at the same time, so he pops two of the pills at once.

The next day he shows up at Butterfly’s place with a pained expression on his face.

“Everything go all right Al!”, says Robert.

“Not really”, says Al, as he flops his swollen, black and blue and bloodied cock out, “I was wondering if you had any mentholated deep heating rub?”

“Oh my God, Al ... are you crazy?”, says Butterfly Man. “You can’t put that stuff on your dick, especially in that condition!”

“It’s not for my dick”, says Al. “It’s for my arm ... the girls never showed up.”

[Butterfly Man]

Lee Zimmerman is performing at the Windsor Buskerfest. He finally has a decent circle show but still has one long standing wish - to suck Emma’s breasts to his heart content. Every time he passes Stickleback Plasticus's pitch he gets extremely frustrated.

One evening, after drinking heavily at Patrick O’Ryans Pub, he reveals his desire to Derek & Eric, the famous Canadian comedy team “Hotnut’s & Popcorn.” He begs them to include him in their Plastic Wrap routine which seems to have some sort of magical control over women.

Eric, after losing his hotel accommodations, agrees, figuring he has nothing left to lose, but only on the condition that afterward Lee would share his private room with him. Zimmerman reluctantly agrees.

The next evening, Eric loans Lee the push-up device that makes his ‘package’ appear larger and prepares an extra two rolls of plastic wrap for the show because of Lee’s obvious girth.

Just as the show is getting going, a heavy downpour ensues and Derek & Eric have to bring their audience onstage, much to the festival producer’s anxiety.

As planned, all 3 men stripped to their underwear and get wrapped in the plastic. Standing next to one another, it is obvious to all that Lee is indeed more gifted in the male arena than the other two, so all eyes, including Emma’s, go to his significant bulge.

The show goes well, even though Lee has to remain in the wet plastic throughout the performance as he know very little about escape acts, let alone puppetry.

After the show, it is still raining hard, so the audience does not disperse quickly, so Emma helps Lee back to the hospitality tent to get out of the plastic wrap. Because Lee doesn’t want Emma to see the push-up device Eric has loaned him, he suggests they go to the chiropractor’s tent to change.

For the next four hours, Lee violently sucks Emma's breasts. Licking, biting, pressing, playing, he get what he always desired. Satisfied, he returns and meets Eric at the back of the Travel Lodge by the dumpster where they smoke some pot.

Eric has all his luggage with him but since Lee’s mission is over and his lust satisfied, he refuses to give Eric a key card and, in fact, tells him to “fuck off”.

Eric loses it completely, he literally snaps. Out of control he storms into the Travel Lodge and demands to be admitted to Lee’s room. The female clerk at the desk refuses and Eric goes berserk calling her a “cunt”, a “whore” and a “slut”.

Hearing these words, Emma comes around the corner and says “Ouch, sorry you had such a shit time ... if you don't mind the rain, my ass is fine!"


Rock 'em in Windsor boy's & girls ... gambatte!

[Butterfly Man]

Checkerboard Guy, Alex Elixir, Young Raoul and Butterfly Man are at the Windsor Buskerfest 2017.

David, Alex and Neil go to Patrick O’Ryan’s and Robert wheels himself to the nearest Port-o-John to empty his colostomy bag.

At the bar all three start talking and bragging about their sons.

Alex tells the others, "My son is a home builder and he is so successful that he gave a friend of his a brand new home for free."

Young One says, "My son is a car salesman and now he owns a multiline dealership in Winnipeg. He is so successful that he gave a friend of his a brand new Porsche, fully loaded."

Checkerhead, not wanting to be outdone, brags, "Well, my son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave a friend of his an entire portfolio."

Huffing and puffing, Butterfly Man eventually shows up and orders a round in Gazzo’s memory.

Rempel, who’ll drink anything as long as someone else is paying, says, "Hey Robert, we were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

Butterfly replies, "Well, my son is gay and he swings fire torches in a gay bar."

Everyone is silent ... “But,” Robert continues, "While I'm not totally thrilled about the gig, I figure he must be doing well because his last three boyfriends gave him a house, a new Porsche, and a stock portfolio. [img]eek.gif[/img]

[Butterfly Man]

Upcoming changes in Lucky Rich’s Act


Pre-show music is "The Theme From Shaft".

Starts wearing leather suits and silk shirts to the pitch.

He drinks Kool-Aid and sugar between sets.

Switches all his silver teeth for gold fronts.

His new logo is simply graffiti.

Uses a plastic runner to jump onto his 8-footer.

His prop case now includes a rag top and rims.

Copies of "Right On" and "Jet" found in his van.

Uses a pimp cane for his sword swallowing act.

His promo kit has another act’s name scratched off.

No more nightime shows because no one can see him.

After the show he can’t stop lookin’ for "poontang".

Changes his name to ... well, actually he doesn’t.

[gweedo]

Butterfly Man’s Birthday Party Games

Sag, you're it.
Pin the toupee on the butterfly.
20 questions shouted into his good ear.
Musical wheelchairs.
Red Rover, Red Rover, Raoul says “bend over”.
Spin the bottle of Mylanta.
Gazzo drools in his stool.
Hide and go pee.
Nick kick the bucket.

[Peter Voice]

Very late one night at Edmonton, Robert, Nick, Martin and Alakazam were still in the hospitality suite quietly drinking Shelley's beer when a stranger walks in.

"Excuse me", says Robert, "This is a private room for the festival performers only. You'll have to leave."
"Oh, sorry." said the stranger "I'm from out of town and was just looking for a beer.", as his eyes fell longly on the glasses.
Martin, who knows just how hard it can be to get a drink late at night in Edmonton, felt sorry for the guy so they let up and invited him to join them for just one.
"So," says Nick, "what brings you to this town anyway?".
"A Taxidermy conference." he replied.
"What the hell is Taxidermy?" asked Al.
"Oh, mounting animals, that sort of stuff", he said.
"Well in that case" said Martin "Help yourself, I didn't realise you were one of us."

[Julia]

Robert and Kumi are sitting in front of the TV eating cherries. So, to make a joke Robert decides to stick the cherry pit in his ear, a kind of magic trick.
Eventually he realises that he can't get it out again. Kumi is now really worried and is almost ready to call the hospital when suddenly his son comes back from a date with a girl. Having found out about the problem Kolemans date tells them that she is a medical student and works part time in a hospital, and maybe she can help. So she sticks her fingers up his nostrils, covers his mouth with the palm of her hand and tells him to breathe out quickly.
So the cherry pit pops out and everybody is happy. Koleman takes the young lady to the kitchen and offers her some tea so that they can chat for a little longer.
When they leave the room Kumi says to Robert: "what a nice young lady, finally! I wonder who she'll become when she finishes her studies?"
Robert (rubbung his nose)- "accoring to what her fingers smell like - our daughter in law!"

[Butterfly Man]

Cyrus P. Koski goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

Cyrus, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something."

If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

With deep self-righteous indignation, Cyrus says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "because this is Home Depot."

[DEBBIE ROBINSON]

Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures.
Remember when someone annoys you
it takes 42 muscles to frown,
but only 4 to extend your arm and slap the cunt.

[DEBBIE ROBINSON]

Nick and Lucky like to hang out together and are always on the look out for new challenges.
They take up moose hunting, but after several attempts fail miserably. So one year they hit upon a cunning plan. They decide to hire an authentic cow moose costume and learn the mating call. They would then hide in the costume, lure the bull moose, slip out of the costume and shoot the animal.
The pair set off for the woods, climbed into the costume and found a nice spot on the edge of the clearing. There they gave the moose love call.
A few minutes later, a huge bull moose appeared. When it was close enough,
Nick at the front said: " Lets get out and shoot him "
But Lucky at the back said: "I can't, my zippers stuck. What are we gonna do?"
Nick replies; " Well I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself. "