JOKES

[peterpanic]

go ahead- ask mrs. panic. she has a very long list of things she never did. one of them might work.
you should talk dan- at least i have a mother. you were shat out by a sperm whale and the only way you can fill the void left by lack of parents is by hanging out on the docks giving blowjobs to sailors. you wake up on the beach covered in goo and you know that you are home. you know that the sailors love you, even if a mother never could, what with the webbed feet and pointy head.
panic attack

p.s. yesterday was dan's b-day and i cooked him a stew of rice, veggies, cheese and kangaroo and alligator meat. he hung around until 3 am until i finally kicked him out. it seems his wife needed some "time alone." as if.

[Peter Voice]

OK, OK, enough emails, I was just showing off, perhaps trying to remind people how fast news spreads in our world and I did love the joke though(a beauty really).

I mean, it wasn't me, I'm 12,000 miles away.

PS. Nick, next time you call, leave me a number so I can call you back, you shit. Maybe this should be in Martin's new bit anyway.



[This message has been edited by Peter Voice (edited 08-30-2001).]

[elvis]

So, Robert Nelson is getting old and senile, and Koleman finally decides he has had enough. He checks Robert, under much protest, into a nursing home and heads off to have a celebratory beer with a few thousand other people happy to see him go.

A few days later, Koleman gets a phone call from the old bastard.

K: "Hey pop, hows the home?"

BM: "Actually, it's great! I woke up this morning with a stiffy, and a gorgeous blonde nurse walked in, and immediately gave me the best blowjob i've ever had!"

K: "Great! Stop calling."

Two days later, Koleman gets another call from Robert...

K: "What?"

BM: "Jesus H. you gotta get me outta here! I fell down this morning and while I was trying to get back up, an orderly came up behind me and gave it to me right in the poop chute!"

K: "Well, you gotta take the good with the bad. What about that nurse?"

BM: "Yeah, that was great....but I only get a hard on once or twice a month. I fall down 4 or 5 times a week!"

Steve



------------------
I'm ugly and your mother dresses me funny.

[Peter Voice]

Martin and Nick found themselves on the same plane to England after Waterloo Festival and as chance would have it (sic), the plane went down in a fire-ball out in the middle of the Atlantic.

As they pulled themselves into one of the life rafts, they realised they were the only survivors. They found the survival rations and drifted around awaiting rescue.

Days past without sign of anything or anyone and things were getting tough. It was very close quarters and whilst they had food and water, what they both really needed was a good stiff drink. In short, they were beginning to drive each other crazy.

In the second week Nick spotted some thing floating in the water a short distance away. They paddled over to discover it was some sort of weird bottle. Hoping it was booze, Martin quickly rubbed it clean but before he could find a label the cork blew out and a genie emerged in a thick cloud of smoke.

"I am the Genie of the Bottle" it announced, "and I will grant you 1 wish for releasing me."

"Isn't that 3 wishes?" asked Nick.

"Oh come on!" said the Genie, "That sort of stuff only happens in fairy tales and the like. One wish, take it or leave it."

"In that case, I wish the ocean was beer" said Martin and it was done before Nick could blink. Beautiful foaming waves of the best beer as far as the eye could see and no Genie.

"Why did you do that?" screamed Nick "I want to be rescued."

"It's OK" said Lurk, "We'll be rescued sooner or later and in the meantime we've still got lots of rations and all the beer we can drink. Relax."
So the two settled into a serious session of drinking and snacking.

Suddenly, about 4 hrs later, they are at each others throats with Nick screaming for the Genie.

"What now!" it said, obviously pissed off.

"Turn it back! You've got to turn it back into water." pleaded Nick.

"Why?" demanded the Genie.

"Because if you don't," he yelled, "Martin's going to start pissing in the boat."



[This message has been edited by Peter Voice (edited 08-31-2001).]

[Butterfly Man]

Steve Brown is setting up for his blow dart routine in the Badgerbowl when he reads a sign that hangs over the bar:

“FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!”

So Steve asks the bartender what the test is.

"Well”, the bartender says, “first you have to drink a whole gallon of pepper tequila, and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's an alligator out back with a sore tooth ... you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's only fucked Mark Faje, so she’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.”

Steve answers, “Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You’d have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the test get crazier from there. Who do I look like, Lucky Rich?”

Well, after his blow dart routine bombs, and Steve is remorseful at having made an ass out of himself and shooting the famous Butterfly Man in the ass, he drinks a few beers and asks, "Where’z zat teeqeelah?" He then grabs the gallon of tequila with both tattooed arms and downs it with a big slurp, tears streaming down his pierced face.

Next Steve staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

Then Steve staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big gashes & scratches all over his mangled body.

"Now" he says, "Where's that bitch with the sore tooth?"

[elvis]

Q: How many Robert Nelsons does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Seven.

One to tell everyone how funny he is;

One to yell "I could snap at any time!" every 15 minutes;

One to heckle with other people's jokes;

One to answer back with the same snappy heckler lines we've been rolling our eyes at for years;

One to get stuck in the corner while 4 people crack whips at his head;

One to bitch about his sore prostate;

And one to hold the light bulb and ask "Wait..what the fuck was I supposed to do with this?"




------------------
I'm ugly and your mother dresses me funny.

[gazzo osborne]

Hey Elvis, whoever you are leave my buddy alone. Can't you see he's sensitive and old. If you really want to upset him, piss on his door handle. Five hundred dollars to the best Robert Sue Nelson joke. I'm the judge.

[gazzo osborne]

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROBERT NELSON AND A BUCKET OF SHIT?

THE BUCKET OF SHIT WAS GOING TO A GIG.

[gazzo osborne]

WHAT DOES BUTTERFLY MAN AND O.J. SIMPSON HAVE IN COMMON?

THERE WAS A GREAT SIGH OF RELIEF WHEN THE CASE WAS CLOSED.

[Peter Voice]

Gazzo, you still haven't given me the $500 for killing the spider in your apartment in Surfers Paradise.

[Butterfly Man]

Robert Nelson walks into a bar and in two steps he realizes that it's a gay
bar. But he really wants a drink so he goes in anyway. He walks up to the bartender and says, "I'd like a beer." And the bartender replies, "I can't
give you a drink until you tell me the name of your penis."

Robert Nelson is very confused, so he turns to Gazzo, one of the bar’s regular patrons, and asks him, "What's the name of your penis?" And Gazzo replies, "Timex.... Takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'"

So then Robert turns to another one of the bar’s regulars, “Elvis” and asks him, "What's the name of your penis?" And Steve replies, "Energizer... It keeps going and going and....."

So Robert finally understands what is going on, and he says to the bartender, "The name of my penis is Doublemint." And the bartender asks "Why?"

And Robert replies, "Because both of those guy’s can SUCK MY DICK!"

“Two”...“Two”...“Two pricks in one!”

[Butterfly Man]

A baby bird named Gazzo fell out of his nest. He chirped and chirped, but no one came to help. It was very cold, and soon all Gazzo could do was shiver, he was fading fast. A cow named Butterfly Man came along and pooped on him. Gazzo warmed up and began to chirp again. A cat named Nick Nickolas came along; he couldn't see Gazzo, but he could hear him. He scooped Gazzo up out of the pile, wiped him off, and ate him.

The moral is: Everyone who shits on you isn't always your enemy.
Everyone who gets you out of the shit isn't always your friend.
And when you're in a world of shit, it's just better to keep your mouth shut.

[elvis]

Butterfly Man is teaching a young Koleman some vocabulary.

"Son," he says, "Can you tell me what 'tragedy' means?"

Koleman thinks for a minute, and says "A boy gets hit by a car and dies."

"No," says Butterfly Man, "that's an accident."

Koleman thinks again, and says "Ok, a school bus crashes and 50 kids die."

"No," says Butterfly Man, "that's a great loss."

Koleman thinks again, and "Ok, you and Mark Faje drive over a land mine in LA and are both blown to smithereens."

"Excellent," says Butterfly Man, "can you tell me why that's a tragedy?"

"Sure," says Koleman, "because it wouldn't be an accidnet, and it's certainly no great loss."

[Butterfly Man]

There was an old man named Robert, his son Koleman and a fat donkey named “Elvis”. They were going to town and it was decided that Koleman should ride. As they went along they passed Glenn Singer who thought that it was a shame for Koleman to ride and Robert to walk. Although slightly irritated, Robert & his son agreed and decided to do it his way and they changed positions. Later, they passed Lee Zimmerman who thought that it was a real shame for Robert to make Koleman walk. Offended as they were, Robert & Koleman decided that maybe they both should walk. Soon they passed Bill Furgeson who thought that it was stupid for them to walk when they had a fat donkey to ride. This aggravated both Robert & Koleman no end so they decided that they both should ride. They soon passed Gazzo who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. This really pissed Robert & Koleman off so they decided to carry the fat donkey. As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip and the donkey fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story: Fuck with the Butterfly Man and you will lose your fat ass.

[Butterfly Man]

In the dead of summer a fly named Alakazam was resting on a leaf beside the Detroit river.
He was a very young hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh, if I go down three more inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish named Mad Chad Taylor in the water thinking, "Gosh, if Al goes down three inches I can grab his spot and I can eat him."
But there was also a bear named Checkerboard Guy on the shore thinking, "Gosh, if Al goes down three inches, Chad will jump in Al’s spot and I will eat him."
It also happened that a hunter named Nick Nickolas was farther up
the bank of the river preparing to eat a cheese sandwich named Stickleback Plasticus. "Gosh," Nick thought, "if Al goes down three inches and LA boy leaps for it then Checkerhead will expose himself and grab for Chad’s spot, I'll shoot that merchandising cunt and have a proper lunch, bang on!"
A wee mouse named Lee Zimmerman who was sitting by Nick's foot was thinking, "Gosh, if Al goes down three inches and that sellout porno actor jumps for that Ozzie fucker’s spot and that Mac nerd grabs for that apple eating cunt then that dumb limey will shoot dot com boy and drop that ballroom buttock clincher, and I might get to fuck Emma."
But there was a cat named Martin who was lurking in the bushes who took in this whole scene and he thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunchtime, "Gosh, if that pole climbing moron goes down three inches and that cell phone toting imbecile goes for that intellectually deficient koala brained twit, his spot will fall prey to that bi-speckled Jap lover who will grab that boorish beach boy’s pitch and that pasty faced cretin will shoot blockerhead and Hollyweirdo will make off with that pinky fag hoofer’s whore and I can eat that little dimwitted puppet boy for lunch."
Poor Al is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the Detroit river. Chad leaps & swallows Al’s spot. Checkerboard quickly grabs Chad’s crowd. Nick turns up his mic and shuts down Checkerhead and drops Stickleback to their knees. Zimmerman grabs for Emma. Martin jumps to grab the break. Lee ducks into the hospitality tent. Martin falls into the river and drowns.

The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some one’s pussy is in danger.