JOKES

[Butterfly Man]

Justin Case worked every day for 3 years at the Big Apple Circus. His last show was at 9:15 and he was back with Wendy every night by 10:45. Every Sunday night after adjusting & oiling his bike, he would come back to his motel room to give Wendy the check. Finally, he was making some decent money.

One Sunday he was walking towards his rental car, and John Gilkey asked if he wanted to go out for a beer. He'd never been asked by the other performers before, so he said, "Sure, why not?"

One beer lead to another, and finally about 3:00 am he comes staggering back to the motel room. Wendy is waiting for him and asks,
"Where the hell have you been?"

"Well," Justin said, "I went out with Gilkey and some of the acrobats for a few beers."

"You did, did you?" Wendy fumed, "Well, just how much money did you spend?"

"As a matter of fact, I spent about $60.00," he said.

"$60?? Do you know how long that would last me?" Wendy yelled.

"Well, " Justin said, "you don't drink, you don't smoke, you've got
your own pussy, I guess it would last you pretty much forever."

[Butterfly Man]

Three street performers are lost in the desert, wandering for hours.

Arsene says, "I'm tired. I'm thirsty. I must have wine."
Hilby says, "I'm tired. I'm thirsty. I must have beer."
Mosche says, "I'm tired. I'm thirsty. I must have diabetes."

[Butterfly Man]

Once upon a time, there were 3 street performers. Butterfly Man lived in a straw house, El Gleno Grande in a house made of sticks, and Dino Lampa lived in a brick house.

One day Bill Ferguson came up to Butterfly Man's straw house and
said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down." So he did!

The Butterfly Man went running over to the Gleno Grande's stick house and said, "Let me in, please, Bill Ferguson just blew down my house!!"
Glenn let Robert inside. Then Bill Ferguson showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down!" And he did!

So, Robert & Glenn went running over to Dino Lampa’s brick house and
said, "Let us in! "Bill Ferguson just blew down our houses and we're scared!"

So Dino let them in to his brick house. Bill Ferguson caught up with them and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down."

While Bill was huffing and puffing, Butterfly Man and El Glenno Grande were so
scared! But Dino Lampa simply picked up the phone and made a phone call. A
few minutes later a big, black stretch limousine drove up. Out came the Flying Dutchmen in ugly weird greenish suits and hats with fake hair attached. Jean-Michel came over to Bill Ferguson and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to beat the crap out of him. Then Michiel pulled out a gun and fired it right into the Bill's mouth. Then they got back into their limo and drove off, leaving Bill dead on the street.

The Butterfly Man and El Gleno Grande were amazed! They asked Dino Lampa, "Who the hell were those guys?"

"Oh, Dino replied, they’re nobody."

[Butterfly Man]

Alakazam walks into a internet café and takes a seat next to a very attractive nubile. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The young woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", Al replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," Al explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The nubile giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

Al explains, "Damn thing must be five minutes fast."

[Butterfly Man]

Maike & Mrs. Jones are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets of
Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it turns closer towards dusk, the
increasing darkness of the streets starts making them a little
nervous when Maike leans over to Pinie and says, "You know, I've
never come this way before."

Mrs. Jones says, "Me neither, it's the cobblestones."

[Butterfly Man]

Master Lee gets married - and this time, to a virgin.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as William undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring, I know dis you firt time and you flighten...I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?"

"Give me number 69" she asks.

" Ok!”, he says. “I give you beef with bloccolli ... but first!

[Butterfly Man]

Lucky Rich goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated."

Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your
motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation."

Lucky Rich says: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a little embarrassed about
talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash leftover from my last show right here. Will you do it?"

The doctor says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't
understand it, but OK." He puts Richy to sleep, does the trick, and is
waiting at the bedside when he wakes up.

Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Lucky asks.

"It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation.
As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task and I
felt a little guilty about taking that much. So while I was operating I
also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did
that, too. I think it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I
hope you don't mind my ..."

"CIRCUMCISED!" yells Richy. "THAT'S the word!"

[Butterfly Man]

Mad Chad Taylor, the chainsaw juggler, walks into a bar in Inglewood and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and then talking into his palm.

The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood
and he doesn't need any trouble here.

Chad says, "You don't understand, I'm very LA. I had a cellular phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying one around."
The bartender says, "Prove it..."

Chad dials up his commercial agent and puts his hand to the bartender's ear.
The bartender then listens as Chad sets up an audition for a Bud Light spot.

"That's incredible," says the bartender... "I would have never believed it!"

"Yeah," says Chad, "I can keep in touch with my theatrical agent, my college agent, the cruise ships, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?"

The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5...10...15... 20 minutes go by. Chad still has not returned.

Fearing the worst, given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room.

There Chad is, lying against the wall, spread eagle. His pants are pulled
down and he has a roll of toilet paper stuck up his ass...

"Oh my God!" says the bartender. "Were you robbed? Are you hurt?"

Chad turns to the bartender and says, "No dude, I'm OK ... just waiting
for a fax.

[Butterfly Man]

Muki, Drew and Yos are up very late at night drinking at the Melkweg
They leave early in the morning hours and go home separately.
They meet on the Leidseplein early the next day, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

Yos claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

To which Muki replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And Drew proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with Linda, knocked a candle over and burned the whole fuckin’ house down!"

They all looked at each other for a moment.

Then Yos says: "Guys, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

[nick nickolas]

Why do little ducks walk softly?
'Cos they can't walk hardly!!!

nicnic x

[nick nickolas]

Gazzo walking through the desert...parched..
Suddenly spots Glenno riding along on a striped camel..
"Where's the ocean?"
Gazzo says
"Oh 'bout 500 miles"
replies Glenn
"Fuck it,I'll stay here on the beach" says Gaz

[Xed]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting Wales, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He Figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)


The Ventriloquist gestures at the field behind him.: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)


The Ventriloquist gestures again.: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep's a bloody liar"

[Xed]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following; "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola downa lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."

[Xed]

What A Woman Says:

This place is a mess! C'mon,
you and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"


What A Man Hears:


blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

[Xed]

The Pope goes to visit the Famous Seven Dwarfs, he is finishing his treatise on comparative religions, and Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

"No, Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not."

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in anywhere in Italy?" Dopey asked.

"No, Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."

"Mr. Pope," Dopey askes pleadingly, " are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"No, Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

Then, softly...in the background, the six remaining dwarfs start chanting...

"Dopey screwed a penguin. Dopey screwed a penguin..."