JOKES

[Todd]

Knock,knock?

Who's there?

German Inquisitor.

German Inqui-
WE'LL ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!(in thick loud German accent)

[Butterfly Man]

El Gleno Grande owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from Nick Nickolas, who
tells him, "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a
horse and I'm sending him over."

The midget arrives, and Glen asks if he wants a male or female
horse.

"A female horth", the midget replies. So Glen shows him one.

"Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouf?" So Glen picks up the
midget and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouf, Can I thee her eyeth?" So Glen picks up the midget and
shows him the horse's eyes.

"Ok, what about the eerth?" Now Glen is getting pissed, but he picks
up the midget one more time and shows him the ears.

"OK, finally, can I see her twat?" With that, Glen picks up the midget
and shoves his head up the horse's vagina, then pulls him out. Shaking his
head, the midget says,

"Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awownd?

Steady ... boy ... steady

[Zoltan]

Three midgets are sitting on the curb when one of them notices they're sitting right across the street from the head office of the Guiness Book of World Records.

He looks at the office, and looks at his hands, and then stands up and says, "You know boys, I've got pretty small hands. I mean, I know I'm a midget and all, but even for that, these are pretty small. I wonder..." And so saying, he walks into the Guiness office.

A few minutes later he walks out and says, "Guess what, boys? I'm now in the Guiness book for the world's smallest hands!"

The second midget stands up and says, "That gets me thinking. I mean, I know I'm a midget, but even for that I've got pretty small feet. I wonder..." And *he* walks in the Guiness office.

A few minutes later he walks out and says, "I did it! I'm now in the book for the world's smallest feet!"

So the third (and you *know* we're setting up the joke here, 'cause it's the third) midget stands up and says, "Well, that's got me thinking. I mean, I know I'm a midget and all, but I've got a pretty small penis. I wonder..." And he walks into the Guiness office.

A few minutes later he walks out and says, "Who in hell is Brian Wilson?"

[Todd]

Andy Blau.........oops...um..I mean Zoltan gets a Vegas showroom booking for two shows. one at 7 one at 10. He does the first one. He kills! All the laughs are huge, The tricks are flawless, one lady tosses her cookies at his Blockhead, and a standing ovation at the end. He is pumped for his second show. 10 o clock comes and he repeats his stellar performance, gets even bigger laughs,3 standing ovations in the middle of the show, and cries of "more, more" as he ends his set.
He goes back to his room in the hotel and gets a phone call. On the other end of the line is a soft sultry voice dripping with lust and admiration. She says " Hello, Zoltan, I saw your show tonight. I'm a swimsuit model in town for a big photo shoot and I'm staying in the hotel. I saw your show and loved it. Never have I seen someone exude so much confidence and class on stage. You commanded the audience with a hand that was sensitive yet firm. Your self deprecating humor won my heart. So for touching me so deeply I want to come up to your room and give you the most amazing night of pleasure a woman has ever given a man."
Zoltan says, "so what show did you see the 7 or the 10?"

[Todd]

What is 10 inches long,
stiff,
and drives women insane?

Crib Death.

[Queenie1]

Sorry but thats sick!

[Todd]

sorry. Honestly I hope no one was offened.

but remember,
tragedy is when I slip on a banana peel,
comedy is when you fall down an open manhole and die.

[Xed]

Mr Rabbit was happily prancing through the forest, when he stumbled across a Monkey in the process of rolling a huge joint.
"Oh why do you do drugs Monkey?" cried Mr Rabbit "Come run gaily through the forest with me instead!"
Moved, Monkey abandoned his spliff and frolicked with Mr Rabbit instead.
Soon after they happened upon a kangaroo about to chow down a huge handful of magic mushrooms..
"Oh Roo!" cried Mr Rabbit,"Why do you do drugs? Come run gaily through the forest with Monkey and I instead!"
Touched, Roo snubbed his mushys and bounced along after Mr Rabbit and Monkey.
Running around a corner, they saw a huge Lion, about to snort a few lines of cocaine.
"Oh Lion!!" wailed Mr Rabbit, Why do you do dru........"
Lion gave a mighty roar and leapt upon Mr Rabbit, tearing him limb from limb.
Shocked, Monkey and Roo stared at Lion in dismay. "Why on earth did you do that to poor wee Mr Rabbit, Lion?"
"Damn Mr Rabbit is always trying to get me to run around the forest when he's on speed".

[Orange]

so there's a chicken and an egg laying in bed beside each other. the chicken looks all relaxed and content, and is smoking a cigarette. the egg, however, looks grumpy and frustrated. the egg looks over to the chicken and says angrily "well... i guess we know the answer to THAT question!"

[Butterfly Man]

Fresh from her shower, Yvonne of Stickleback Plasticus stands in front of the mirror, complaining to Barry that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, Barry suggests, "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, Yvonne fetches a piece of toilet paper, and
stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
Yvonne asks, "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
Barry answers, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
Barry lives, and with a great deal of therapy, may even dance again.

[Xed]

What;s the difference between a cocaine dealer and a hooker?

A hooker can clean her crack and sell it again.

[scot]

I went to this japanese bar and got a mug of beer. I couldn't get anything larger because the customers there keep taking pichers.

Driving through Amsterdam is really hard. I always get stuck in the red light district.

What happened to Santa Clause when he stuck a hundred candy canes up his butt? He got a large anal cavity.

There was this robot guy painted silver and he was not working to make crack money. No, I'm just joking.

[Butterfly Man]

Waldo & Woodhead were walking in the woods
when they noticed a small tree growing between two larger ones.

Waldo asked Woody "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

Just then Dirty Fred walked by. Waldo said,
"Fred, you're a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a
son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

Dirty Fred pulled down his pants took out his dick and stuck it in a small knothole. He answered, “Neither, my friends, that is the best piece of ash I have fucked since Glastonbury.

[Butterfly Man]

Captain Keane’O’ and Pepé were in a pub sitting at the bar and staring into their drinks. Keane’O’ gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pep!
You ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"

"Yep, says Pepé, I been married to one for fifteen years."

[Butterfly Man]

By the time Alakazam pulled into Edmonton, every room in the Sheraton
was taken. "You've got to get me a room somewhere." he pleaded with Shelley. " I'm exhausted! Just find me a bed anywhere--I don't care."

"Well, I do have a double room you can share with O.J. Anderson," admitted Shelley, "he usually gets a room all to himself but to tell you
the truth, he snores so loudly that street performers in the adjoining rooms
have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," Al assured her. "I'll take it."

The next morning Al, came down to to Winston Churchill Square all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for his 12 o'clock show.

Shelley was impressed. "No problem with O.J. snoring, then?"

"Nope, says Al. " I shut him up in no time!"

"How'd you manage that?" said Shel.

"Well", says Al. "He was already in bed, snoring away when I came in the room, so I went over, gave him a big kiss on the cheek, said,
"Goodnight, beautiful"... and he sat straight up and spent the rest of the night watching me."