RANT HERE

[Mark Wessels]

Here t'is-

I've decided to triple my medication. Which requires the exact same action as taking none at all. Coincidental(ish)ly. Is my next statement odd? I find it frightening that Martin was once a teenager who had close enough relationships to other teenagers to hug them and find it mildly entertaining that he once (at least once) consumed a yound child. odd?

In the spirit of jumping aboard I would like to give you this quote

Baruch Hata Adonai eh henu melach shaHarVard! HARVARD! COMPRENDE?!? HARVARD MEDICÁL! OK? Sí o no?!
-middle aged Argentine man (not my dad)

I'm fuming at the head

mark

[Butterfly Man]

...I thought I smelled something burning ...

Is that acetylcholine (sniff sniff) or epinephrin (sniff)?

[Evan Young]

If you ever find yourself dating the beautifull daughter of a US ski team coach who has a condo in Silverthorn, and can get free ski lift passes, and is totally crazy over you, DON'T TELL HER TO DATE OTHER PEOPLE! Because instead of you curling up with a sexy snow bunny for the holidays, it will be her drug dealer.

[ 12-08-2002: Message edited by: Evan Young ]</p>

[martin ewen]

Hey , small world...I used to go out with her drug dealer.

[Butterfly Man]

For everyone that might base your career on riding a unicycle:

Please Beware:

You will get old, and so will your ass ... eventually you will need surgery to undo the damage of years of rocking & free-mounting that giraffe.

I recommend "Depends" as a post-op absorbent.

But please, do not, like I did, fall for the 'Order By Mail' coupon on the box.

It is a cruel ploy that took advantage of my understandable embarrassment when I bought my first pack in the grocery store.

I shudder now as I recall the wrinkled nose of that smirking cashier ... that snickering & jostling of the customers behind me ... those haughtily whispered Bob Dole jokes.

Shameful ... so I ordered online @ www.coredandbored.com.

My first delivery arrived yesterday in a garish red truck with large lettering on the side ... "The Accident Truck" ... it had a super sized mannequin on the top sitting on a flashing toilet.

It was just awful.

If that wasn't embarrassing enough, the large box they unloaded and left at my door had a pulsating mylar DEPENDS in block lettering on the side ... remarkably, it was the same rhythm of my bowel contractions.

I just wanted to die.

So now, as I gingerly lower myself into the next of my seemingly endless series of Sitz Baths, I get a grip - a firm grip - on that 'Old Guy Rail', so that my entry into the 'not so soothing' hot water is as ripple-free as possible.

I try to adjust the faucet with my toes and scald my calf in the process.

But I try to look at the bright side: "at least its not a slide down a sharp knife into a tub of alcohol."

Wait, maybe that's not such a good image.

How about "at least the water makes my dick look bigger."

Yeah, that's the ticket.

So I had to lower the lighting level a bit, but whatever.

Anyway, as the water cools around my butt, I try to contemplate how delicious my liquid diet is and how I resolve not to miss solid food.

But please don't feel sorry for me, as I now proudly wear my "Depends Compliant" button. It entitles me to rapid seating and service in just about every restaurant - apparently it's part of a nationwide AARP "Get them in and out before they smell" plan.

Now, if I could just figure out what do do with these damn white Levi's ...

[Cybele]

You should be ashamed of your whining. Some of us around here have given birth to live humans.

Wait, for a moment I forgot who (whom?) I was dealing with.

Sorry your butt hurts, Robert. But I'm not going to offer to "kiss it better."

love you...watching QVC helps.

xox, Cybele

[martin ewen]

Right… Robert it seems to me the problem is (and certainly correct me if I'm wrong) That you have a wounded anus.
All sorts of metal instruments have sliced and grated and scraped and chopped at it and then what was left was stitched together with some sort of slowly dissolving twine substitute.
You now have to bathe your wound as well as protect it from your lifes work as it goes sliding by semi-regularily.
I gather that even with a liquid diet your body somehow ferrets out long overlooked shit that has spent sometimes decades tucked away in low traffic areas leading a overlooked slackers existance.
Do remember that pain is just weakness leaving the body, but also that it is particularily painful just in and of itself and serves no use whatsoever (unless your catholic or a member of the armed forces)
So think of the pain rather as an unwanted guest ,snoring oblivious in your spare room. Go in there quietly with a shovel and with a mighty swing cave its unwanted head in. (this is a metaphore, there is no guest and you do not have the strenght to swing a shovel, )
Shovel= extremely strong drugs. hopefully with hallucinagetic side effects
Why suffer robert? Surely its not some twisted comic "it only hurts when other people stop laughing" thing.
Just stay concious long enough for 12 pictures to be taken (of the source of your discomfort) from various angles with different lighting so that you may help finance your painfully puckered career by way of publishing a calendar.
We could all send them to our agents-You'd be rich.
Just trying to help.

[ 12-12-2002: Message edited by: martin ewen ]</p>

[Richard]

Sounds like it sucks to you right about now Robert, but here's a piece of good news. With this post I finally become a full fledge member of P.net!! Whoohoo, life is good!

[Richard]

HOLY SH#T, IT WORKED!
Thanks Robert, you've done a good thing here.

[Prof Willie B]

Shouldn't this thread be in "Performer Body Modification"?

[em]

martin, when you whisper "sweet nothings" in a gentle ladies ear, what do you say?

Oh and Peewee has a haemerroid from talking too much.

[martin ewen]

Oh goody...I've wrestled the topic… Its all about me now.
"Gentle ladies" Em you really should know better, gentle ladies always bring out the worst in men because their passivity fuels the conceit that lies in the heart of all males (like a coiled sloth with the IQ of a brick)
They bring out the worst in me anyway, I turn into a psycological vivisectionist with a bottle in my hand until they turn away appalled.
I prefer woman stronger than me (and most are…even the really feeble sick ones)
That they resist throwing me about and allow me the dignity of an unpunctured pretence as I do unmentionable male things is one of lifes rare wonders to me.
As to sweet nothings, "sorry's" quite often worked for me.
As in, "Sorry, was that your car?"
and "Sorry about your dress, you should soak it in industrial cleaner"
and "Sorry I don't mean to punish you but I find you attractive."

Sweet nothings in my case are exactly that, silence is the rarest gift I have

[AJJames]

I should have posted my last diatribe here , I would if I'd known it existed ,that one was about an unjust war, this is about a just war,about the day I just spent hustling for a show on the freezing cold streets of Chester,
The last saturday before christmas, what hell..I turn up on the pitch naively expecting to be first there at 9 am....there were three string quartets, two brass bands, two santa clauses with sound systems , dozens of "santa's lil helpers" rattling buckets ( and a partridge in a pear tree) ...that was just on the main pitch, around town was scattered every kid that ever had a music lesson , every paving stone was taken up with "rattlers" for every cause, they're not a venemous reptile rather self rightous do gooders that rattle collection buckets! They are much harder to negotiate with than reptiles (or buskers), they think they have a right to kick everyone else off the pitch because they raise money for "Charity" and in the case of my invaders today they were collecting for cancer research uk, so funds they collect will be spent on projects that torture, maim, mutilate and murder pefectly healthy animals.
I just wanted you to know that so you don't simply label me the bad guy when i tell you that i used my wire cutters to sabotage their sound system.
As for the rest of them, the usual diplomacy prevailed: there's nothing like a pyscotic street performer wielding metres of steel chains ,nunchakus and assorted lethal weapons to bring out christmas spirit in brass bands.
cut a long story short (?!) i pulled a show off, hat was ok and im here telling you all about it.

merry chistmas [img]biggrin.gif[/img]

[Butterfly Man]

AJ for Senate Majority Leader!

P.S. Watch your language.

[Prof Willie B]

I'd just like to say that "it's that time of year", Summer solstice in my part of the world, Winter in others. Hannika and Rammadan were early this year but Christmas sticks to the calender regardless of the celestial movements. Maybe the pagans had it right.

Please, have a happy festive season whatever your bent or beliefs.