JOKES

[Airborne Dan]

After suffering daily head aches for 18 years, Peter Panic decides to see a doctor. The Doctor refers him to a brain specialist who runs any number of tests and probes, examining Peter Panic's brain thoroughly.

When the test results are all in the specialist schedules a meeting with Peter Panic.
When Panic walks into the brain specialist's office he can tell by the look on the Doctors face the news is bad.

"Alright give it to me straight Doctor, can you tell what's been causing these head aches?" Panic asks.

"Unfortunately", the Dr. replies, "I can". You see Mr. Panic you suffer from a very rare testicular mutation known as ITM, Intravascular Testicle Migration. You see your testicles have migrated in such a way that they are being compressed against your spine, thus causing these constant and daily head aches."

"Oh, I see ... is there a , well you know, a cure?"

"That Mr. Panic is the unfortunate circumstance, you see the only known cure for ITM is castration.

"WHAT?, ha, ha you've got to be kidding me. You are kidding me, right?"

"I'm sorry Mr. Panic, but this is no laughing matter, if this condition continues you will be dead with in a year. I understand this is a very difficult decision for you Mr. Panic. But I can assure you the operation will end your head aches and prolong your life."

Panic leaves the hospital despondent and depressed, but after a few days thinking about it, about living longer and finally ending his constant, throbbing head ache, he decides to go through with the procedure.

After the operation he leaves the hospital feeling like a new man. For the first time in 18 years he has no ache in his head. He feels so good that he decides to celebrate by getting him self a new suit. He walks into the first men's clothing store he can find. An old man stoops out from behind the counter.

"Can I help you young man"?

"Yes, as a matter of fact you can. I'm celebrating my new life today and I want a new set of glad rags."

"Well, you've come to the right place, lets start with a color, I'll bet your looking for something green."

"Why yes, I am, how'd you guess?"

"I've been in the business a long time, now lets see how about a shirt, I'd say your a 33 long with a 16 and a half inch neck."

The old man comes back with a shirt that fits Peter Panic perfectly.

"That's amazing, how'd you do that?"

"Like I said son, I've been in the business for many years. Now for the trousers, I'd say 34 inch waist 33 inch inseam. And I'll just pick out a jacket for you while I'm at it."

The old man returns with a pair of pants and jacket that fit perfectly.

"This is incredible, how can you tell my size with out measuring?"

"I'm telling you young man, I've been in the business a long time. Well now that you've got your new suit you may as well get some shoes, I know, no need to tell me, 9 and1/2 W."

The old man runs off and returns with an absolutely perfect fitting pair of shoes.

"I'm not even going to ask how you could tell my shoe size just by glancing at my feet."

"I'm telling you, it comes from years and years of experience. Well now, since you have an entire new outfit, you may as well get some new underwear. I'd say you wear a 36."

"HA HA, your wrong on that one, I've worn size 32 underpants for the last eighteen years, HO, HO, HEE got you on that one."

"32? That's impossible. If you wore size 32 underpants, your testicles would get squashed up against your spine and give you a tremendous head ache."

[Butterfly Man]

Peewee of Sticleback Plasticus was tired of being upstaged by his partner Emma, so he went to see one of the directors at Circomedia. The director watched a videotape of their act and said it was obvious that Emma was carrying the act and advised Peewee to learn some skills and perhaps work on his stage presence. So, for several months he taught himself to juggle, ropewalk and balance a parasol on his nose. While alone, he also learned some puppetry and balloon animal manipulation.

After awhile, Peewee began to feel powerful and nearly entertaining. Secretly he honed his act at Covent Garden and almost made enough money to cover his crack habit.

Eventually, Peewee felt he was ready. So, one balmy afternoon after a Falkland’s War Veteran's picnic and barbeque, he brazenly stormed backstage and stood up to Emma. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the star of this show, and what I say goes!”

“First, you’re going to have to hand me my props, tossing them one at a time while I strut around in circles. Then, when I'm finished with my unicycle ballet, I expect you to catch all my ribbon batons and help me off with my tutu! Then, after I blow a balloon doggie, you're going to suck on this slide whistle. Then, after my Tina Turner puppetry you’re going curtsey, pack up all the props and load the van! And after the show, when we get home, guess who's going to outfit me a new costume and redo my make-up? "

"Let me see, said Em … would that be the funeral director?"

[Butterfly Man]

Gazzo, having no friends left except Byron Bertram, is slowly walking along the strip in Las Vegas looking for a pitch. A knockout hooker catches his eye as he passes by a billboard advertising Amazing Jonathan’s show. Gazzo, now old, bald, and pathetically lonely, strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much?"

Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

Gazzo says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money! "

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes", says Gazzo.

Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes", says Gazzo.

And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Fer fucks sake, yes!” says Gazzo.

Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Gazzo says, "Waah … alright then, what the hell? I'll give it a go." So he calls up Byron in Canada and borrows the money.

After they pickup the money at Western Union, Gazzo and the hooker retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, Gazzo is smiling and sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He hadn’t felt this good since he’d been kicked out of Mallory Square.


Gazzo is so amazed, so he jokingly adds, "I suppose a blow-job is $1, 000?"

The hooker replies, "No, it’s actually, $1, 500."

Gazzo replies, "$1, 500? No blow-job could be worth that".

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window here. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

Gazzo, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, "Alright then, I’ve got to have one of them too … I’ll be back soon, I swear, just sign me up."

Gazzo knowing there was nobody stupid enough left on this earth to lend him that much money. So he calls up Byron again and this time promises to give him some of Robert’s heckler lines. Soon Byron wires the money and Gazzo returns to the hooker to get his blow-job.

Afterwards, sitting on the edge of the bed, Gazzo is more amazed than before. His head is spinning like he was about to have another stroke and beads of sweat are rolling down his protruding belly. He can scarcely believe it but he truly felt it was worth every cent of Byron’s money.

Knowing that he would never talk to Byron again in his life, Gazzo
then asks the hooker, “Just out of curiosity, luv. How much would it be for some pussy?"

The hooker leads Gazzo over to the window. “Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

Gazzo gasps in awe, "You don’t mean to tell me that because of your pussy you own the whole city of Las Vegas?"

"No”, the hooker sighs, “But I bet I would, if I had one.”

[Peter Voice]

Gazzo and Butterfly man were packing up late after a very long day when this gorgeous woman comes up and congratulates them on their shows.
This woman is clearly obsessed with the lads and Gazzo eventually suggests she might like to come back with them to the hotel for a little sport.
She cheerfully agreed and even helped carry some gear. The trio decided a short cut through the university was in order but as the girl attempted to squeeze through the metal bars of the fence she got stuck. Wriggling to escape only made it worse and she ended standing there with her head stuck.
All three were giggling at the absurdity of the situation when Butterflyman thought, "Hey, why not? It's dark, no-one's around" so he lifted her skirt and went about the business.
After a jolly good rodgering, Robert stepped back and said to Gazzo "OK, now it's your turn."
Gazzo looked at the scene and said, "I don't think I can. My head won't go through the bars".

[Butterfly Man]

Alakazam is in Christchurch at the World Busker Fest. when he decides there's more to life than fat hats and fast women.

On his way back to the YMCA he passes a church and goes inside and asks a priest for forgivness, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."

The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."

"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?", says Al.

"No," replies the priest. "But it'll help wipe that shit-eating grin off your face."

[scot]

Why couldn't they catch the gynecologist burglar?
All his prints were smeered.

What do you call a busker in the shower?
A guitarist.

Alakazam was screwing this super hot chick...
just kidding

[Peter Voice]

A great old Med school mate of the Butterflyman died so he and Kumi duly attended the funeral. There were hundreds there and it was one of the most elaborate services they had ever seen. The old friend had gone on to be a heart surgeon and so, surrounded by hundreds little hearts, the coffin rested in the centre of a huge red velvet heart which slowly and beautifully engulfed it at the conclusion.

When he commented on this to other guests at the wake, one man replied, "Oh yes, it's a new AMA policy. Beautiful wasn't it. All surgeons will get similar funerals celebrating their lifes work."

Hearing this Robert grabbed Kumi by the arm and rushed out to the car.
"What's going?" Kumi asked, "Why the Rush?"
He looked her in the eye and said. "I'm gonna kill my Proctologist.
I just gotta see his funeral."

[ 12-23-2003: Message edited by: Peter Voice ]</p>

[Butterfly Man]

Gazzo and Nick Nickolas were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Gazzo had a stroke and fell into the deep end. He sank like a stone to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Nick promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom and pulled Gazzo out.

When the medical director became aware of Nick's heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.

When the doctor went to tell Nick the news he said, "Ozzy, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. The bad news is, Gazzo hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Nick replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him in there to dry ... How soon can I go home?"

[Butterfly Man]

Gazzo is finally kicked out of every pitch in North America.The festivals won’t touch him either, so he gets a gig on a cruise ship by stealing Jeff Moche’s identification.

Since the audiences had low expectations, Gazzo did quite well. For the first time in his life, he tried as best he could to keep his mouth shut and the act clean. It was all his pudgy body could do to muster up that kind of willpower.

There was one problem though, the captain had a parrot that had seen a lot of other magicians before so it knew where Gazzo got all his material.

Watching Gazzo do the same crap over and over bored the hell out of the parrot, so one day the parrot started to heckle Gazzo.

"Jim Cellini did that same act 20 years ago!", said the parrot.

"Nick Nickolas does it better ... and he’s funny.", said the bird.

Gazzo was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the end of the road for him, he had nowhere else to go.

Then the ship sank. Because he was so bloated Gazzo survived and so did the parrot ... who was floating on a piece of wood.

So there they were, in the middle of the sea, staring at each other with hatred in their eyes.

But neither one uttered a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:

"OK, I give up ... where's the ship, asshole?"

[Butterfly Man]

With all the terrorist activity increasing around the globe, the CIA and British Intelligence decide to combine forces. Needing to hire an assassin who could go in and out of countries without arousing undue suspicion, they decide to interview street performers.

After all of the background checks, interviews and testing there were only three left … Butterfly Man, Taxi Trix and Emma of Stickleback Plasticus.

For the final test, a CIA agent took Butterfly Man through a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find Kumi tied to a chair. Kill her."
Butterfly Man exclaimed, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot Kumi, she’s the love of my life!"
The agent responded, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take her and go back to LA."

Taxi Trix was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room and found Terri tied to a chair. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then Taxi came out with tears in his eyes and said, "I tried, but I can't do it. My life is too pathetic without her."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take Terri and go back to your church in Connecticut."

Finally it was Emma's turn. She was instructed to kill Peewee. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another, and screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. Then, all was quiet.
Then the door opened slowly. There stood Emma. As she wiped sweat from her brow, she said, "The gun was loaded with blanks, so I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[Daniel Craig]

Dynamike buys a purebred dog, and after two weeks he notices that his dog has crossed eyes and crooked teeth. Becoming alarmed, Dynamike calls the vet. The vet tells him to come to the vet clinic, and shortly after he does.

"Doctor, as you can clearly see, my dog has crossed eyes and crooked teeth!" Mike fervently exclaims. The vet takes the dog and picks him up.

"Well, yes, he certainly does." the vet replies.

"So what can I do!?" Mike wails.

"Well, I'll have to put him down." The vet says, straight-faced.

"WHAT?! You're going to have to put down my dog?!" Mike screams in a fit of anger.

"Yeah," the vet replies. "... my arms hurt."

[Butterfly Man]

Somewhere, on a “secret” pitch in Naples

Three street performers are sitting by the dock after shows…

Alakazam says, "Man, the girls I’ve been sleeping with lately sure are stupid. Why, just the other day this dumb 14 year old bought me a weed wacker. Hell, everybody knows I don’t own no lawn!"

Then Master Lee says, "Ah, that ain't nothing, the last skank I picked up @ Collective was dumber than that! When she moved into my place on 6th St. she brought along a washing machine."

Then Gazzo said, "Hold on boys, I think I got you both beat … the prostitute I’ve been seeing lately has got to be the dumbest, ‘cause last night he asked me to put on a condom."

[charlatan_mudo]

Dos peces se encuentran después de mucho tiempo sin verse, y como el tiempo no pasa en balde se quedan un rato charlando contando noticias. Que si eso, que si lo otro.. De golpe uno pregunta al otro: "¿Y tu padre, qué hace?" Y su colega contesta: "Pues, nada"

[Butterfly Man]

Yo soy estupido y calvo

No puedo entender ... what about the two fish? ... something about one saying something to another ... what about your father? ... huh?

fuck ... hoy es Miercoles ...

[charlatan_mudo]

Sorry mate can´t translate this... Juts put the joke up there to add a bit of a multilingual and -cultural feeling to the place. Anyway if you want to know the meaning of it, go to www.yourdictionary.com. Free spanish-english dictionary available.
Oh before I forget, I´m calvo too (shave my head every day). As for the first adjective (is that the word?), I doubt you are.