JOKES

[garyknights]

A man new to a town walks into a shop and asks for six onranges.
The shop owner replies "is that with a mellon sir."

[Butterfly Man]

Master Lee shows up at Washington Square Park with a six-shooter tucked into his belt, but no one, not even Tic n’ Tac, dared to ask why. Everyone had heard that he “had hit the wall” after 17 years on the street but they surely wondered why he was carrying a bucket of shit in one hand and a small cat in the other.

With the Calypso Tumblers looking on, with their jaws hanging open, William pulls a bottle of whiskey out of his filthy prop bag and starts to drink. After his fourth or fifth gulp, William pulls out the revolver, fires several shots into the bucket of shit, releases the cat, then runs after it.

Well, needless to say, as soon as they heard the gunshots, several of New York’s finest were on his ass in a flash. After tackling, cuffing and throwing William into the back of a petrol car, one the cops turns to him and asks, “Hey man, I’ve seen you out here since I was a kid, why, all of a sudden you actin’ so crazy?”

“Well”, William says, "I talked to Butterfly Man on the phone the other night and he told me it was time for me to stop acting like a stupid Chinaman and get an act more like a white man."

"So”, he continued, “I came down here to have a few drinks, shoot the shit, and chase a little pussy."

[nick nickolas]

So well Who will it be...

Well mmmm
Lee Zimmerframe walks into a bar and orders a martini and an empty glass, drinks the martini, then puts the olive in the spare glass...
Orders another,,,drinks the martini and puts the olive in the glass..
Lee does this again and again gets drunk and starts talking about fake breasts to the barman who responds with ...''Listen mate you are weird YOU DRINK THE DRINK AND DUMP THE OLIVES IN A GLASS....WHAT'S YOUR STORY?''
''Gotta go'' Lee says
''I just remembered''
''I just popped out to get my wife a glass of olives!!!''

[Prof Willie B]

A bunch of old retired circus performers down in Miami decided to buy a plot of land beside a church and have it consecrated as a cemetary for performers.
They advertised with the usual "Make your arrangements in advance" spiel, "Only $2000 all up". Lots of the dinosaurs, Peter, Robert, David, Gazzo, Jim, etc, thought it wasn't a bad idea to be buried with their mates and signed up.
Then chance, realising he always wanted to be remembered in this sort of company, applied for a plot.
"$2500" they said.
"What?" said chance, "You only charged those guys $2000".
"Well, we only have to bury them 6ft under, but you, we have to bury 20 maybe 30 feet" was the answer.
"What for?" he asked.
"It's just that you keep telling us that deep down you're a nice guy and we want to be sure".

[nick nickolas]

Lurk has just finished performing alongside some smoking Orangetangs in Las Vegas and is pulling into Los Angeles with a wild bunch of rave performers when he notices Butterfly Man sitting on a curb on Sunset Boulevard sobbing his eyes out.

He has them pull over and he jumps out of the van to console his old friend. ³Robert², he asks, what¹s wrong with you? ... gosh, you look like complete shit!²

Butterfly answers, "Oh, Martin, it¹s terrible, I have a beautiful young wife at home who makes love to me every morning, then she gets up, and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit, and freshly ground-brewed coffee.²

Martin quizzically responds, "Well, so then why the tears?"

Butterfly explains, "Well, she makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."

Martin again queries, "Well, so, why then are you crying?"

Butterfly continues, "Well, for dinner, she makes me a gourmet meal with wine, my favorite dessert and then makes love to me again Œtil 2 in the morning."

Frustratedly Martin responds, "Well, why in the world are you crying?"

Butterfly sobs, "Because Martin, I can¹t remember WHERE THE FUCK I LIVE!"

[nick nickolas]

In a queue at the bank a guy feels the guy behind him start massaging his shoulders, he turns round startled and says

''Hey pal what on earth are you doing?''

''Oh sorry mate you see I'm a chiropracter and I could see you were a little tense and I thought I would relieve the tension''

''Well mate I work for the tax department do you see me screwing the bloke in front of me with my dick up his arse?''

[Butterfly Man]

Emma enters an upstairs room in the Dux De Lux, set aside for Stickleback Plasticus and the 3 other acts performing the evening show at the World Busker Fest in Christchurch, NZ. With a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sinks into the comfort of a plush chair in the corner.

Nick Nickolas, the evenings emcee turns, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moves slowly towards her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sinks to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly releases her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allows his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guides her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

Emma’s senses begin to swim. She is overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.

And, just as it seems that ecstasy is within her grasp, Nick pauses, and for one heart-stopping moment, Emma cries, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"

Then, with a sudden rush, he slides it into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she meets Nick’s steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.

Nick smiles knowingly to himself. Confident that even if caught redhanded, he would never be accused of this dastardly deed. Still, he couldn’t help but be slightly amazed that Bobarino Gravatinni’s shoes would actually fit her.

[Butterfly Man]

Peter Voice calls all the Australian & New Zealand acts together for a meeting to help organize a chaotic street scene. He says, "First and foremost, I must say we must stop all this petty rivalry and work together for the common good. We need to start caring about one another.”

Dom Ferry jumps to his feet and adds, “Right on Peter! Ever since I first started StreetBiz I always believed we could accomplish so much more if we just used our brains a bit more. I have some ideas for pitch scheduling, festival bookings, even group insurance programs.”

Hotch meekly stands up in the back and says “OK boys, I’m with ya, I know things have been bad for quite awhile but I promise I will be a team player from now on. In fact I’ll even make free web pages for anyone who might need one and put them up on my site!”

Sally Klimpton, Abigail Collins, the Flaming Butterflies and everyone else began to cheer, even the typically cynical Martin Ewen.

Just as the cheering subsided, Alakazam rises to his feet and says, “Well guys, if you all really mean what you say, then you can all start by helping me out, ‘cause I’ve got a huge case of gonorrhea."

Way in the back Lucky Rich jumps up and screams, "You can count on me, Al!" I was really fuckin' getting tired of Zinfandel !"

[nick nickolas]

The year is 2032 and a father and his son are walking through the streets
of Manhattan when the father stops at a vacant lot, takes a deep breath
and
tells his son:

"To think that at one time, here on this very lot, stood the Twin Towers".

The son looks to his father with a puzzled expression and asks: '
Dad, what are the Twin Towers?'

The father replies:
" My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremendously tall buildings that were filled with lots of offices and people, and were
considered the heart of the United States, but approximately 31 years ago several Arabs destroyed the buildings".

The boy then pauses for a minute, again looking puzzled, and then
asks
his father: " Daddy, what are Arabs?"

[nick nickolas]

Kumi is finally fed up with Robert. Every night the Butterfly Man comes in
drunk and falls asleep straight away. It comes to a point where she hasn't
had a good shag for over a year and is considering divorce. After another
night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets home.
When he finally gets home and staggers through the front door, before she can
have a go at him, Robert coos, "Baby, get upstairs to the bedroom!" She
can't believe it, at last he's going to give her one.
They get to the bedroom and Robert rips off her clothes. "Now darling do a
hand-stand against the full length mirror on the wall."
"Hmmm," Kumi thinks........ "KINKY. I rearry rike it."
She does the hand-stand and Robert pulls her legs apart, bends over and puts
his chin on her pussy.
"The boys down the pub were right," says Robert, "a goatee would suit me just
fine!�

[Butterfly Man]

Jenny returns from Blue Lake with her shaved head just in time to find Peter Panic having sex with a long red-haired gorgeous woman.

In a borne of fury, she drags Peter down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and puts Peter’s penis in a vice.

She then secured it tightly, removed the handle and picked up a chainsaw Peter had just bought from Chad Taylor.

Peter was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Jenny! Stop! You're not going to cut my penis off, are you?"

Jenny with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the chainsaw next to Peter and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to".

[Airborne Dan]

After moving into a rough neighborhood Peter Panic gets himself a vicious Rottwieler dog trained to attack homosexuals. When he finishes setting up his new living space he invites his good friend, Airborne Dan over for a beer.

Dan shows up with a six pack and a bag of juggling clubs. As soon as he steps into Panic's place he is savagely attacked by the dog. Bobarino Gravittini pops by the next day for coffee, as soon as he sets foot in the door the dog pounces on him and bites him in the ass. Jenny brings flowers and the dog bites her leg. Jim comes by to help him set up his computer and the dog bites right through all three pair of Jim's underpants.

This trend continues until the dog has bitten nearly all Peter's friends, not to mention frequently biting Peter himself. Finally Triona tells him that he has to have the dog castrated, "that way the dog won't have so much testosterone coursing through it's system and it'll probably calm down a good deal".

Peter hates to do it but in the end agrees it would probably be best for all concerned if he has the dog's balls removed. He makes an appointment with the vet for the next morning. On their way to the vet Peter and the dog pass by Butterfly Man who is passed out in the gutter after a night of drinking. The dog immediately attacks the slumbering figure, Peter runs over and pulls the dog off the stunned Butterfly man and apologizes saying, "oh my God are you alright? I hope he didn't hurt you."

"I've had worse", replies Butterfly Man.

"I'm currently on my way to the vet to have the dog castrated to try and curb this behavior".

"The vet? Shit why don't you take him to the dentist, I could tell when he was fifty yards away he didn't want to fuck me".

[peterpanic]

airborn dan foley is not getting much work because he is not funny. he tells long winded jokes that go nowhere, and finally you have to pretend to laugh, just to end it, like faking an orgasm. just so he will stop.
so he tells his agent he will do anything.
cyrus gets back to him and says- $300 to do a gay porn shoot.
dan says-let me talk to my wife.

he calls her up. she supports him %100. 'why not? you could be the tracy lords of gay porn she says- do 2-3 hunnerd pix then you go legit, work with john waters ect.

dan does not know much about the gay porn industry, only what he has been able to download for free off the internet. so he calls his dad up, who happens to be an expert. ok. one thing to remember. you can be a top or a bottom. huh? says dan.
try to be a pitcher not a catcher, is all, says dad, shaking his head.

dan gets back to cyrus, who is depressed because gina is leaving him if he will not pay $200 a month to live in her luxury apt.
i will take the job only if i can be a pitcher, says dan. not a catcher.
cyrus says- you got it.

dan shows up at the shoot, nervous with first day jitters. he gets his copy of the script, and tries to get into character. he is playing atlanta braves relief pitcher john rocker.

he has to blow the save, then the team, then the other team, then batboys and people from the stands ect.

work is work. say what you like- he has a family to feed.

unfortunately the check bounced.

the moral- love what you do.

[Airborne Dan]

Peter Panic's mother is going into labor. Her husband (who doesn't know if he's the real father) rushes her off to the hospital. The doctor has her lay on her back in the delivery room and starts telling her to push. She looks at the doctor and says "what the fuck are you doing?". She then jumps of the bed, squats down on the delivery room floor and starts shitting Peter Panic out her ass.

Panic pops right out of his mamma's ass smiling and covered in shit. But the strain of shitting him out her ass and into the world has caused one of his her hemorrhoids to break loose. It falls on the floor next to him. The doctor looks at Panic and the hemorrhoid and says, "hey look twins."

[peterpanic]

at what point does homicide become justifiable?