JOKES

[em]

aaa but wouldn't the pussy devour the mouse?

(ps i'm still laughing at this one you bugger!)

[elvis]

Robert Nelson decides to cut his losses and join the priesthood. He fakes some credentials and slides into a spot at his local Catholic church.

One day while hearing confessions, he really needs to take a piss. He sticks his head out of the confessional booth, and spots a janitor.

"Hey buddy, come here!"

The janitor walks over and Father Nelson says: "Listen, I gotta take a leak just sit in here and dole out penance for me for a few minutes. It's really easy....just give them 10 Hail Marys for breaking a Commandments, and 10 Hail Marys and 5 Our Fathers for anything else. If it sounds really bad, just wing it."

Father Nelson runs off the the can, and the janitor begins hearing confessions.

"Bless me father for I have sinned....I have had lustful thoughts about my neighbors wife."

Wow, this is easy, thinks the janitor. "10 Hail Marys and all is forgiven."

Next guy comes in; "Forgive me father for I have sinned....I have taken the Lords name in vain."

Piece of cake! thinks the janitor; "10 Hail Marys and 5 Our Fathers and all is forgiven."

The janitor is on a roll, and a young woman comes in.

"Forgive me Father for I have sinned...I have performed oral sex on a married man."

"Yikes," thinks the janitor, "that's pretty bad..."

The janitor ducks his head out and spies an altar boy...."Hey, kid.....what does Father Nelson give for oral sex?"

The altar boy replies, "Two Snickers bars and a soda, why?"

[Butterfly Man]

A turkey named Elvis was chatting with a bull named Butterfly Man. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed Elvis, "but because I am a tattooed, pireced drug addicted freak I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied Butterfly Man. "They're packed with nutrients."
Elvis pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a Duncan Yo-Yo executive, who shot Elvis out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Epilogue: Elvis didn’t die. He just fell, broke both his wings, got fat and never flew again. Butterfly Man plans on having him for Thanksgiving dinner so he can get a taste of his own shit.

[Butterfly Man]

Favorite Country Songs of the Windsor Buskerfest

Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed -Stickleback Plasticus

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye - Nick Nickolas

I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Havin’ You Here- Mad Chad Taylor

How Can I Miss You If You Won't Mooove Away? - The Cowguy’s

I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me? - Davio

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling - Lurk

I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2 - Hot Nuts & Popcorn

I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You - The Butterfly Man

I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well - Kumi

I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better - Reid Belstock

I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win - Dado

I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite - Alakazam

If I Had A Shot When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now - The Puppet Guy

My Man Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Her - Chalk Circle

If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You - The Checkerboard Guy

I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back As I Cry Over You - Marie-Claude L’Or

Mama Get A Hammer There's A Fly On Papa's Head - little Andy

She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger - Ken Brandes

You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly - Patti Brandes

[em]

Favorite Horror Films of Windsor/Waterloo
(as compiled by em, Nick and Peewee)

Texas Chainsaw Massacre : Mad Chad
Bride of Frankenstein : em (stickleback)
Chucky: Reid Belstock
Psycho : Eric (Hotnuts)
From Dusk till Dawn : Nick
Tales From the Crypt : Butterfly
Werewolf in London : Mr Bunk
Nosferatu : Davio
Aliens : Cowguys
The Shining : Chalk Circle
Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde : the Sillies
Village of the Damned : Checkerboard
The Omen : Andy
Psycho : Dado ( The Shower)
Misery : Kumi
The Stalker : Alakazam
The Creature Walks Among Us : Martin
The Island of Lost souls : The City of Windsor
The Mole People: Hawaii-2-0
Son of Frankenstein : Peewee
Captive Wild Woman : Patti
Daughters of Satan : Shelley and Lynne
Candyman : Ken
Friday The Thirteenth : Derek ( popcorn)

If we missed you out its 'cos you were too nice to be cast...............



[This message has been edited by em (edited 09-04-2001).]

[Butterfly Man]

FAMOUS DEAD STREET PERFORMER QUOTES

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either.
Just leave me the fuck alone.
-Young Raoul

The journey of two thousand two hundred
& twenty-two miles begins
with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
-Love 22

It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal something,
that's the time to do it.
-Pepé

Sex is like air;
it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
-Pharazon Street Dancers

We are born naked, wet, and hungry.
Then things get worse.
-Charlie Barnett
a
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
-Jeff Bradley

Always remember you're unique,
just like everyone else.
-Hokum W. Jeebs

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
-Matt Cooper

It may be that your sole purpose in life is
simply to serve as a warning to others.
-Captain Keano

It is far more impressive when others
discover your nice ass without your help.
-Mardene Rubio

If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
you are probably right.
-El Glenno Grandé

If you have nothing on your mind
you don’t have to remember anything.
-Birdie McClean

If you borrow $500 from someone,
and never see that person again;
it was probably worth it.
-Gazzo

Never forget your inhaler.
-Markus Marconi

Give a man a pitch and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to juggle, and he will sit in a
mobile home all day.
-Dana Smith

If you drink, don't do methamphetamines.
-Amazing Jonathan

Some days you are the bug,
some days you are the windshield.
-The Butterfly Man

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
-Ray Jason

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
-Mark Nizer

Don't squat with your spurs on.
-Vince Bruce

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a
lot of that comes from being an idiot.
-Jean-Michel (Flying Dutchmen)

The quickest way to double your money is to
fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
-Michiel Hesseling (Flying Dutchmen)

Timing has an awful lot to do with the
outcome of a raindance.
-Jim Szeles (The Pier 39 Rainmaker)

A closed mouth gathers no foot.
-Gustavo

Duct tape is like the force,
it has a light side and a dark side and
it holds the universe together.
-Tim Furst (Flying Karamazov Bros.)

Eagles may soar,
but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
-Tom Kubinek

There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.
-Sensible Footwear

Never miss a good chance to shut up.
-Trevor Rooney

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much
when your mouth is moving.
-Robert Shields

Before I criticize someone,
I should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when I criticize them,
I’m a mile away and I have their shoes.
-Chance

Fame is something you don't get until
just after you need it.
-Mike Davis

Don't be irreplaceable;
if you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted.
-Scotty Meltzer

[Peter Voice]

Melbourne, Australia, is a pretty cool place especially the Brunswick St/Fitzroy area (those of you who know it will need little convincing) and the sort of place where you can get anything.
I was wandering along Brunswick St not far from Cassel's place when I decided to check out an erotic lingerie store called "Venus Envy". They had a sign in the window announcing the latest thing, "Customised Condoms". I couldn't resist.
The lovely young thing behind the counter gleefully showed me their newest thing, custom printing on condoms, you provide the image and they print it on the rubbers for you.
When I got home, I dug out my ancient copy ('91), of "GEO", the Canadian version of National Geographic, with a story about Halifax and a great photo of Robert Nelson. A little Photoshopping by Pro and $300 later I had a hundred frangers with Robert Nelson's head on them. Funny how they worked out so anatomically correct. That little moth just sat there right on top of the head where it should be.
Anyway, as I said Fitzroy is a particularly liberal part of the world and just off Brunswick St. is a hotel/bar called the "Cock O'Laird", a sort of body-builders, steroid driven, leather and chains gay bar. Definitely not the sort of place where you give your penis a name (even if it's called Lucky).
$50 bribe to the barman and there are now 100 Robert Nelson condoms in the vending machine (or elsewhere but that's a bit too scarey to think about really).

Email me Gazzo, I'll tell you where to send the money.

[This message has been edited by Peter Voice (edited 09-14-2001).]

[elvis]

Everything I Need To Know, I Learned From Jugglers


1. If at first you don't succeed, bitch about it loudly and try to make a career out of that. -- Butterfly Man

2. Even tricks that are 8 years old can be amusing if your audience is drunk and you have a scorpion in your pants. -- Mark Faje

3. Everything is funnier if you use the word "Wombat" alot. -- Mark Hayward

4. You can miss alot of tricks if you are big enough to kick any heckler's ass. -- Jason Garfield

5. Tattoos that are not properly maintained look like complete shit. -- Butterfly Man

6. If you don't know where your partner is, tell everyone he's dead. It's really funny. -- Dan Holzman

7. Someone will always be dumb enough to pay for a workshop. -- Albert Lucas

8. Beer helps coordination. And if it doesn't, keep going until you drink yourself sober, then start over. -- Donald Grant

9. It's amazing how much mileage you can get out of pretending to be artistic. -- Jay Gilligan

10. If you aren't a good enough juggler to hold your head up amongst people like this, become really good at talking shit about them. It's almost as interesting. -- Steve Brown

[Butterfly Man]

There was a crafty scarred and branded mountain lion named Elvis who used to hang around a performer bulletin board looking for scraps of attention from the street performing herd. One day he saw an old bull named Butterfly Man off by himself and managed to kill him after a mighty battle. Butterfly Man was way too big to drag off by himself, so Elvis decided to just eat as much as he could hold.
He ate and ate until he just couldn't eat any more. This made him feel really good, so he let out a big roar. That made him feel even better so he roared again. He kept it up until Jim of The Jim Show logged on and deleted his fat ass.

Moral: If you are full of bull, it’s best to know when to shut the fuck up!



Duncan Yo-Yo’s - Dunkin’ Donuts ... coincidence?

[Butterfly Man]

MASTER LEE SAY...

"Man who run behind Young Raoul’s van get fried."

"Man who lie in front of Checkerboard’s scooter get tire mark & half the hat."

"Passionate kiss like Ren Faire circuit -- soon lead to undoing of working relationship."

"Virginity like Cyrus P. Koski. One prick -- all gone."

"Foolish man give wife green card. Wise man give wife work visa."

"Man who walk through airport turnstile backward know Dominique Major."

"Man who do business in street get shit pitch."

"Finalé wrong. Man with four balls not able freemount six-footer."

"Panties not best thing on Mardene, but off her."

"War does not determine Siberia. Jeff Bradley determine Siberia."

"Wife who put husband in charge of sound systems soon find money in Bank of Nova Scotia."

"Man who fight with wife all day, get mobile home parked in Calistoga."

"It take many investments to build portfolio, but one Berkshire Hathaway make dick hard."

"Man who drive like hell, probably relative."

"Man who live in glass house need penis enlargement."

"Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up Chinese."

"Man who fish in other man's well, does my laundry."

[Peter Voice]

Just announcing that the last of the "Robert Nelson" condoms was dispensed from the machine at the "Cock O'Laird" sometime yesterday.
I have found a terrific photo of Gazzo in an old Edmonton program and I'm thinking auctioning a few of the condoms (it costs $400 to make a 100 of these things). Any bids?
Send me the money, Gazzo, I need it!

[Peter Voice]

Gazzo and Butterfly had to get across the country for a gig and had no choice but to catch a train. They boarded and found themselves in a compartment with a little old lady and a stunningly beautiful blonde.
The journey was uneventful until the train passed through along dark tunnel and there was an almighty smacking sound.
When the train emerged into the sunlight, there was Gazzo with tears streaming down his face and a fabulous bright red welt, the shape of a hand, on his face.
The little old lady thought, "The dirty pervert must have made a pass at the blonde and got what he deserved."
The blonde thought, "The dirty pervert was probably trying to make a pass at me, got the little old lady by mistake and got what he deserved."
Gazzo thought, "That dirty pervert, Robert, must have made a pass at one of them and I got what he deserved."
Robert Nelson thought, "I hope we go through another tunnel so I can smack the stupid bastard again."

[Butterfly Man]

The Christchurch Buskerfest has just finished and a whole caravan of street performers are on their way back to the North Island to party with Nick & PC for a couple of weeks. They all decide to stop off in Picton and crash at the Jugglers Rest for the night. Mr. & Mrs. Sideways are glad to accommodate them all and they party till the wee hours.
Gary wakes up the next day and finds himself immensely aroused, so he turns over to Pauline’s side of the bed. Much to his dismay he sees she is already downstairs preparing breakfast for the crew. Afraid that it might spoil things by getting up, Gary calls young Jake into the room and says, “be a good lad and bring this note to your Mum."
The note reads:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Pauline, grinning, answers the note and then asks Jake to "bring this back to your silly Daddy.”
The note reads:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

Gary reads the note and quickly scribbles a reply, and pleads with Jake to hurry back to Mummy.
The note reads:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Pauline jots her reply and sends Jake swiftly back to his dad.
The note reads:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!

[Butterfly Man]

It’s a beautiful sunny Saturday in Melbourne and Alakazam is just laying his equipment out getting ready for a show. He has just started getting an edge when a gorgeous young woman in a negligeé comes running up to him, crying.

"You jerk!" she screams in his face. "You lousy no-good rotten stinking jerk!"

"What's your problem?" replies Al calmly. "I distinctly told you, 'only if it rains'."

[Jim]

I was just thinking about Master Lee and I remembered this joke Peter Gross and I played on him when I originally made his web page...

William (Master Lee to those of you who don't know him) told me he had wanted to register the domain name www.kungfucomic.com, so Peter Gross secretly registered it, then we went in and uploaded a fake page to that address.

About a week later, William and Peter came over to my house and we started to build William's web page.

I said, "Before we do anything, let's make sure that domain name is still available."

William said, "Who would have registered Kungfucomic.com?"

And I told him, "You never know... domain names are flying off the shelves these days."

So I opened my browser, typed in 'kungfucomic.com' and sat back. You should have seen the look on his face when THIS PAGE appeared.

He was like... "No way! There's another martial arts comedian?!?!?" He jumped back about two feet and then realised we were just messing with him.

That was a good one.