Please stop calling me

[Drew Richardson]

Re: The culprits revealed.

It wasn't me

See you in Buffalo. What are you doing for dinner?

Originally posted by Dan Holzman
If you ever stiff me for drinks or dinner at a fancy restuarant, I will find you, and make you pay.

Dan

[Stephon]

Originally posted by Doctor Eric
I would like you to know that I hold copyright on the term "mother-fakir,"

Seriously? 'Cuz if you're serious, I'll take it off my site today. I don't like stealing other people's material, even if it's accidental. I just found out that Prof. Eval is using my x-ray picture on his site without permission or credit.

Of course, when I just Googled "mother fakir", there are at least five other people using it besides us, including a band called Bombay 2 who have a song, "Sexy Mother Fakir".

Besides, I hyphenate it and you don't, so they're really completely different. (I am joking, of course).

Oh, and Stephon- You gotta admit, that picture is pretty stupid.

Well, yeah, that's the point. I do my show as a character, and that character is anything but cool. If you're saying the picture is a stupid use of the character, well, that's different and I'd like to hear more so I can think about improving it.


Oh, and as for the use of "rapier wit", that was intentional; it was an attempt to sardonically highlight the lameness of Scot's insult by use of an even lamer response. Or some shit like that.

[Mr.Taxi Trix]

Oh, god, I can't take the pressure.

Thanks for the laughs, Ewen.

Martin: "I spent many years convinced that life was a vast conspiracy designed to cheat, deny and humiliate me."


It is. I've been hired to help out.

There, I said it, the cat's out of the bag, and now you know why I've been the source of the most pathetic gigs you've ever worked. Know that I am paid well by the overseeing committee to find these lulus.

For the record, Dan, I'm in Ward, Colorodo, outside of Boulder, and yes, Peter, Dan is a totally famous, rich juggler, who wouldn't look here for clients. (Raspini brothers.)

[martin ewen]

Lest we forget

Thanks , just trying to entertain, however this topic is straying dangerously.
This is Dan's topic, contrived by him and designed for his pleasure, we should respect that and keep feeding him with chuckles by taking him seriously, or not, oh gosh its so cunningly opaque.

[Dan Holzman]

Who's going through my garbage?

Readers,
Thank God the calls have stopped, but now I'm sure someone is going through my trash. My wife tells me it's racoons, but she blames them for everything, including the time our car was stolen.
Martin, Thank you for getting this thread back on track. As contrived and designed for my pleasure as it is, I still think it is bringing up some valuable points.

1) A man and a clown can have differences, and still be friends.

2) sometimes it's not your picture that looks silly, it's your character's picture.

3) Mother- fakir is taken, but father-fakir is still up for grabs.

4) Peter Voice needs to switch to de-caf. His wiring is way too tight. He didn't just put his foot in his mouth, he swallowed his entire body.

5) Doctor Eric is not listed in any of the major phone books in the U.S. I checked them all. I did find a Dr. Eric lind in Boise. Any relation?

6) My opaqueness is cunning, but my veneer is growing thin.

I leave you now with these words of wisdom repeat after me.

Oh wa ta goo siam.

p.s. Martin the $400.00 is in the mail. I'd rather owe it to you, then cheat you out of it.
Dan

[martin ewen]

I'm sorry dan but its forgiveness on delivery.

and so...
Just because you coat yourself in verbal pigsfat doesn't make you any more attractive to grasp.
Its the curse of the mildly amusing, however successful, to feign indifference while trying too hard.

[Dan Holzman]

ok you got me.

I'll admit it, I am mildly amusing, successfull, and covered with a coating of verbal pigsfat.
but-
I am not trying that hard.
And-
It's hard to feign indifference when you really are indifferent.

Martin, you on the other hand, I find highly amusing. I enjoy your posts especially the ones that comically gut me like a fish.

I also enjoy how seriously the other readers take me. Come on my posts are ridiculous. Am I really double checking Martin's whereabouts, or searching through telephone books? Does Proffessor moriarty really ferrot out clues?

I like how Dr Eric points out mistakes I make on purpose, and Peter takes offense at the slightest insult. gee, I said none of the readers could admit they were ever wrong, and you would have thought I slapped his mother.
I'm sure a lot of people are asking themselves" exactly who does Dan Holzman think he is"?
Well I'll tell you.
I'm Spiderman.

[martin ewen]

How dare you! As a clown of limited income I'm insulted that you find me highly amusing and yet refuse to pay me a measly $400. Even actual fish-gutters get paid something. You realise that in paying me I would immediately cease to devote energy in entertaining you but from what I've seen that would be the same sort of twisted logic that spurs someone like you who isn't trying and doesnt care to use this online community as a sort of couchend to hump like some housebound whippet.
So typically comicly mediocre, like an american sit-com that can't justify comedy for its own sake but instead inflicts some pasty pap for 30 mins then redeems itself with a moral.
Mrs Brady
" So you see Greg, detaching Cindy's eyeball and selling it to the doner-bank so you could buy new strings for your guitar was wwrroonngg wasn't it?"
Greg
"sniff, yes mum"
Mrs Brady
"Its Ok Greg, your family loves you, we've worked out we only have to rent you for two weeks to a special club where you'll be sodomized while people stub cigerettes out on your back and we can buy Cindy a brand new eyeball."
Greg
"Gee thanks mum...but what about passive smoke inhalation?"
Mrs Brady.
"I think You'll be surprised at the lengths you inhale over the next weeks Greg."
Whole family laughs goodnaturedly/credits roll

But you see Dan, your doing the same thing, "Look at yourselves."" Your all too serious"
Sure your having fun Dan, so am I but you initially took advantage of peoples good natures in pretending to be a victim.
Its sort of like date-rape without the introduction.
Thats just lazy self indulgent comedy.
But you've as much as admitted your lazy and self indulgent.

" am not trying that hard.
And-
It's hard to feign indifference when you really are indifferent."

Thanks for showing us all who we really are Dan.
And with such little effort
Its now $500

[Dan Holzman]

Martin, Martin, Martin

I take offense to the tone of your post. It smacks of imperialism and pedantic dogma. You claim to know me, yet we have never even met. You say I am guilty of crimes I've never committed, and accuse me of owing you money we have never contractually agreed on. How dare you!

You have written a parody of a beloved American sitcom, and twisted it for your own perverted delight. The blood and gore element especially disturbed me. I don't believe you've ever even seen an episode of the Brady Bunch.

I'm sure when you are all alone at night in your Villa in France, You dream of one day putting me in my place, of crushing me like a smoked out cigarette. Of gutting me like a fish, of spreading mayonaise on my......... oops sorry got off on the wrong foot on that one.

In summary

I enjoyed the couchend humping dog reference.

I never date raped anyone.

If anybody thinks I took advantage of their good natures to write lazy self indulgent comedy, I am sorry that was not my intent. I was just trying to be spunky and draw a little outside of the lines.

So out of repect to Martin, I will not write to performers.net again until the next time I feel like it.

[MarcusM]

Someone is calling me too, at first I thought it was maybe just some birds outside, but then I realized that MY PHONE WAS RINGING! Having a phone is one thing, but then having someone actually call you is crazy. I am not here to bitch or complain about this, I just want to say thank you for whomever took the time out of their busy life and to call me. Keep them coming!

[jester]

Okay.

I'm shocked at how quickly people forgot that Dan is the victim here. Abusive phone calls are for the childish and I'm surprised at those of you that condone it.

I'm surprised at Stephon who is still smarting from a spat in which he not only looked like a wanker but managed to read like one many months ago. Why drag me into this?

I can assure you that Dr Eric doesn't phonically abuse readers because I'm convinced he dislikes me immensely but he never once phoned me when I was having a good go at pissing him off some while back.

Martin, you are cruel. You may be funny but you are fucking cruel.

I'm with Le Pire. I think that we should all stand together, regardless of who the calls are aimed at and state catagorically that harrassement away from these pages is completely out of order. Regardless of alliances etc.

Some of us are stronger than others. Some of us are more aggressive than others, but none of us should be phoning each other up and abusing each other. I'm starting a thread in which I invite every right thinking reader to state their opposition to harrassment. I hope you all sign it.

[Stephon]

Originally posted by jester
I'm surprised at Stephon who is still smarting from a spat in which he not only looked like a wanker but managed to read like one many months ago. Why drag me into this?

Believe it or not, I really wasn't trying to be nasty toward you, Jester. You misunderstood--by your own admission, in the thread you refer to above, you were trying to crank people up. You said you took pride in your ability to manipulate people's reactions and responses. All I was saying was that Dan is doing the same thing here.

(Or maybe I fancy myself a master manipulator and was just seeing if I could pull your strings and get you to post here.)

(Ok, not really)

(But I was)

(Just kidding)

(Maybe)

I'm touched, though, that you feel close enough to me that you can interpret my feelings for everyone else.

As for being a wanker, well. . .y'know, sometimes life is stressful, and I've been assured it's a very natural and normal thing for people to do. I hear even women do it.

[jester]

Hi Stephon

Cool.

I didn't say I took pride in being a master manipulator, that was something you said.

Nor do I use wanker as an insult. I think we are all wankers. It is a universal thing.

[Doctor Eric]

Who let the dawgs out.

hoot.

hoot.

[Doctor Eric]

See how masturbatory you've been Dan? Even after you throw up yor hands and cry "J'Jokin'!" and bask in the feeble light of your own ill begotten glory, Jester here is so unaware of your jest, that he is standing up for my honor as a non-caller. Now, granted, Jester's a moron, but still, you should be aware Dan that if the audience doesn't get your "joke," then it doesn't exist. And performing for an audience of one will permanantly damage your vision. I told you before, you made yourself into a target, but then couldn't stand being thwacked from multiple angles so you jump up and accuse everyone else of being serious. Sad, really,I'd expect that from a third grader, but not from one of the patrons of this forum (<- see how if you make the joke too subtle, no one gets it, and it's not funny?).

Jester- thanks for showing up, the hostility factor in this thread was starting to wane.




quote:
Originally posted by Doctor Eric
I would like you to know that I hold copyright on the term "mother-fakir,"
posted by Stephon-

"Seriously? 'Cuz if you're serious, I'll take it off my site today. I don't like stealing other people's material, even if it's accidental."

Forgot to respond to this. Yeah seriously, and accidental my ass, not only did I coin the term 6 years ago, and use it on promo, and on stagefor 4 U.S. Tours, but you also COMMENTED on it when you critiqued my website 2 years ago, !@#?off.

I'm so suing.