Please stop calling me

[Doctor Eric]

Brace your colon Dan, here comes your hip.

[Doctor Eric]

This is now really starting to get funny...

"Doctor Eric I don't know where you live, but I don't think it would be impossible to find out. I'm sure you're listed in one of the united states fifty major yellow page Books. I'm sure you're listed in one of the united states fifty major yellow page Books. As soon as the library opens I am going to take the time to track you down."

Go ahead, make sure that you are spelling 'Doctor Eric von Know Nothing' correctly... And be sure to look in ALL the phone-books, Puerto Rico, Guam, and the Virgin Islands too. Better yet, call the authorities, have them keep a look out for a certified Doctor of Impossiblology, that you SUSPECT (on no grounds, other than paranoia feeding off of an over-inflated ego), is tormenting you. As a matter of fact, just tell them that I come into your room at night, perch on the end of your bed,and cackle until the sun comes up.

"I would like to thank the readers of this newsgroup for their support in getting through this difficult time."

Come off it. You didn't have a back alley abortion; you claimto have been crank called a couple of times, you're acting like Mrs. Buttafuco.

And just for the record, I don't even read the fight of the century posts. They're moronic and infantile, never mind the fact that if you DID fight robert, I'd be selling tickets, and working out the spread.

Since your ingenious plan of searching through thousands of phone books for an obviously fictitous name has a very small chance of panning out (although, I'd like to know if you find that name somewhere), I'll make it easy for you. I live in Polk Gulch, and I'll be working the circle pitch at the wharf tonite, feel free to come down and act like a lunatic some more. Of course, you could just ask Paul Nathan for my number...
Or maybe this will make it even easier.

N O O N E C A R E S

About you, or your pathetic little problem, you opened yourself up as a target on the board, and now there's enough egg on your face to make an omelette the size of Rhode Island. Judging by how self-centered you are, I would think that this crank caller is actually giving you the attention you need.

At this point, because of your slanderous activities on this board, you owe it to all of us to CONTINUE with your 'investigation,' call the police as Martin has suggested, who will solve your problem in less time than it takes to pirate cable, and bow deep m'boy. Your lack of spine should make that last part easy.


By the way, you misspelled 'contentment.'

[pablo]

Yikes...

Somebody please put this thread out of its misery. Enough said already.

Sheesh... and I thought Thanksgiving dinner with my in-laws was bad.

[Dan Holzman]

The hunt is on.

Docter Eric,
I can't believe you wrote down that I mispelled contentment. What are you a human Thesaurus or something. Yeah, like I have the time to read over what I have written.

I am taking the vast sums of money available to me and hiring a private investigator to get to the bottom of this matter. Unfortunatly he can not start until after the july 4th weekend. Until then I am forced to act as my own professor Moriarty and ferrot out clues on my own.

I know the caller has a deep voice, and is a man. Unless of course the perpetrater has gotten hold of some kind of voice altering software.

I have no proof, but am pretty sure that the caller is a juggler, clown, mime or fire eater that reads performers.net on a regular basis. I don't believe the caller is bi-lingual. I tried some schoolboy French out on him, and he was totally lost.

Thank you to those of you who have supplied your whereabouts for the times in question. I don't know if I'll have to ask for any more addresses publicly, but I'll let you know if that policy changes as more news comes in.

I don't think I will be able to do much until after the weekend is over myself. I just realize how busy I have gotten with social appointments and correspondence. I have a lovely bar-b-que planned for the fourth, and I plan to go to see some fireworks down at the local park. I hope everyone has a great holliday, and that no worry about what is happening here creeps into your festivities.
I'll be okay, so there is no reason for anyone else to be upset.
Dan

[martin ewen]

Just trying to be helpful

Dan
As luck would have it I actually know an internationally renown private detective who would ordinarily be out of even your price range but owes me a favour because..well its confidential, I'm sure you understand.
Anyway he had promised to do me any favour I might ask and I'm sure he'd help you out for whatever you can afford. I'll get him to contact you.What was your phone number again?

[Dan Holzman]

No phone number for you.

Martin,
You have to get up pretty early, and on the right side of the bed to pull a fast one on me. I don't believe that you really know any internationaly well known private investigators. Especially one's that owe you a favor. I think I just caught you in a lie, and it's you that owes an apology to the readers of this site.

Don't forget I have a description of your voice now(thank you Taxi Trix), and due to advanced technology , I am now able to record all of my calls.

I know you didn't make any of the last calls, but that doesn't mean you wont make them in the future. So no, I can not give my phone number out to you at this time. Because I don't think we have built up the trust neccessary to have that kind of relationship.

Maybe I was wrong to air my public problems in such a private manner, and for that I apologize. See, I can admit when I am wrong. Are any of you readers willing to admit the same thing. I Don't think so.
Dan

[Peter Voice]

Hey, Dan.
I've read too much of your crap on these boards the last few weeks and none of it was worth replying to but now you've pressed my buttons.

There are well over a thousand readers of these boards. Who the fuck do you think you are, implying that none of us are honest enough or willing to acknowledge our errors? I personally know about a third of the "readers" here and think you are bad-mouthing me and them.

If that is what you think of us, why are you here? In fact, why don't you just fuck off.

Pissants like you really fuck up a good resource that others have spent years building.

Create your own forum around your little world if you need one but don't come to this site and try to make it your own soapbox.

You seem confused about what your private and/or public problems are but you are really airing them in the wrong place. Your social worker, psychiatrist, even proctologist may offer a better avenue them.


In the meantime, there are some clever detective types here and your phone number, email, ISP, location, et al are available to any who knows where to look (as are mine). But having said that, I must congratulate you on how quickly you've grasped the value of internet promotion. Four weeks ago, nobody had ever heard of you. Now we all know you.

Good one, Dan.

PS. Any-one want Dan's number? Purely for professional referrals of course.

[scot]

I knew who he was. I had even seen him perform before. He's going nowhere with that kind of act!

Although he's in the second most famous juggling troupe, and an incredible juggler, I think you're right Peter.

Is Dan Holzman smart? He is very smart. He perhaps has a higher I.Q. than the Pope!

Is Dan Holzman funny? He made Ed MacMann laugh!

Is Dan Holzman afraid of you? No, he wouldn't be afraid of a fly (maybe a bad analogy).

Does Dan Holzman care that you're offended? Probably not. You can't take a joke. I don't care -- and I'm not even a principal character in this discussion.

What's Dan Holzman wearing? That's the most important question here. He's wearing a tshirt with a blue collar and stripes. kaki pants. Curly hair.

He's so onto you Martin. You're busted.

Peter, I'm glad you didn't reply to any posts earlier.

Eric, an anosmiatic bloodhound couldn't track you down.

Scot

[martin ewen]

I'm the wrongest

My whole life is an unrelenting parade of mistake.
My mother misunderstood a rather important conversation with a girlfriend concerning fertile and unfertile periods of the menstrual cycle and so I was born.
My entire childhood I believed that anyone who died violently on TV or the movies was a volunteer from prison who was already condemned.
I spent many years convinced that life was a vast conspiracy designed to cheat, deny and humiliate me.
If my parents put me on a carousel or any ride that moved too quickly for a normal kid to get off of once underway I would believe they had probably isolated me so that they could abandon me and go and live in another country. I used to injure myself vaulting off painted ponies at speed.
My parents gave me candy floss which I refused to eat because I thought it was a sick joke to try and get me to eat the inside of a pillow.
If told something was dangerous or fatal I would systematically test it out in case it was part of the humiliating conspiracy. This led to forks being inserted into electrical outlets and many experiments with matches and inflamable liquids.
For some reason I also believed that new sneakers gave you Olympian abilities and would injure myself every time I got a new pair trying to leap over impossible obstacles.
My adult life I learnt to condense all that was mistaken misguided and wrong into what could loosely be called a lifestyle.
I start every day getting up out of the wrong side of the bed and almost everything I do sooner or later results in a dramatic head injury.
I believe my self pity might be my only redeeming feature but experience tells me that eventually this faith too might dissolve into the viscous slurry that is my self deceit.
I am prepared to admit in this public forum that my entire existance is a pale disfunctional sham and merely ask that you all spare me none of the scorn or insult or vitriol I so richly deserve.
Just take care not to give me any good ammunition as i can be particularily vicious when cornered and these periods of humility fade in and out.

[Stephon]

Guys, guys, guys--Don't you realize Dan is staining his shorts every time someone adds another post about him? I wouldn't be suprised if there never were any harrassing calls.

He's just pressing buttons. If we could get him and Jester in a circle jerk we'd have the ultimate alternative energy source.

Just let this thread die. Pull the plug. Sign the waiver. There's been enough suffering.

[scot]

for someone with such a stupid picture, you sure post a lot.

[Cybele]

Darling Martin

Martin, that was the best laugh I've had all week.

I have an uneasy feeling that every word of it is absolutely the truth.

When are you coming to skulk at my house?

xox

[Stephon]

Originally posted by scot
for someone with such a stupid picture, you sure post a lot.

Um. . .gosh and golly, I've been insulted by Scot Nery. And such rapier wit. I shall weep every time I see a pancake.


(BTW, I've posted 200 times to your 375, and 1 to your 5 in this thread alone. Math is hard, huh Barbie?)

[Doctor Eric]

This thread isn't funny anymore, with the exception of Martin's last post. Hrm... back to TGP's for me I guess.

Scot: you misspelled anosmatic

Stephon: Although Scot's insults can be a bit lame on occasion, that was by far the weakest, least thought-out response you could have come up with. Please, for the good of the comMUNity, try harder next time my brother. Try not to use outdated phrases like 'rapier-wit,' life may be a cabaret, but it ain't no ren-faire. And another thing, I saw your new website, and I would like you to know that I hold copyright on the term "mother-fakir," I will expect royalties dropped into my Pay-Pal account immediately. Otherwise I will be forced to launch a full scale telephone harrassment campaign, utilizing Dan Holzman's line.

Dan- "Maybe I was wrong to air my public problems in such a private manner," Did you mean "private problems" and "public manner?" Come on people, don't re-read it, just write it right the first !@#?ing time.

Oh, and Stephon- You gotta admit, that picture is pretty stupid.

[Dan Holzman]

The culprits revealed.

Dear readers,
Stepon is right , I am staining my shorts every time someone adds a post about me. Not that I care, I just have poor bladder control.

I have been wrong for singling out individual people as suspects in some alleged harrassment incident, that may or may not have happened.

At the time I though it was one person making multiple calls. Now, after mulling it over for a while, I realize it might have been a lot of people making one call each.

So I have expanded the scope of my investigation to include any p.net reader who has ever had access to a telephone. The only person who I can clear with out a shadow of a doubt is Joe Joe. Me and him have had our problems in the past, but we talked man to clown, and we were able to put them behind us. Peace to you brother! You taught me what sharing is all about.

As for the rest of you, beware.
If you haver been listed in a phone book anywhere in the United States or Canada, I will find you. If you ever stiff me for drinks or dinner at a fancy restuarant, I will find you, and make you pay.

Dan