Rumpel Weasel Worship Volume 2 & a half (or 3?)

[Rumpelstiltskin]

Hello it's Mr Ticky-Tacky here again saluting you all to join the GooOse-platoon!
Come on...step right in....& let's all do the GooOse-step thing!Remember a journey of 15 trillion ants put together...starts with a single....ants in the pants routine!Put on your antennae's & we'll march...away....day by day....until the whole show turns into one big picnic....with a few sandwiches short!Left right...left..left left..right...left!Come on lets get Cheesy!

[Rumpelstiltskin]

Kooky,kinky queer potato...show us your nutcake station wagon....go go go!Come on ya friggin'yo-yo....do the Gonzo burn-out thing....& we'll all come along completely rat-arsed!Come on...!Rev up that juicy pink poodle of yours....as we want to fly away with the time...like pansies looking for the long lost party.Wow....look at those fluffadelic seat covers...& the lush gherkin-studded dash-board.Wow-wee let's go for it...& before you know it...we'll be going through the hills with the airy smell of blissful frangipani.The only problem is....How come you have 4 flat tyres?Gosh!I'm a gooOse!That's not a car....it's tractor disguised as a station wagon!Gosh!

[Rumpelstiltskin]

Play that friggin' glockenspiel until dusk....because i love it...as it makes my plants grow all the more merrily.The sound of that thing really makes me as happy as a merry-go-round.Oh!Is that thing putting me in a state of euphoria...or am i totally bonkers...from a previous overdose of too much bingo playing?I don't know if this is possible....but i'm ready to tango with anything.I'm just so starry-eyed at the moment that i'm in the mood to even dance to an out of time metronome!Jeepers!Holy Frogweazel....my turtle's just eaten my last mustard seed & i was going to try & grow some mustard......!Oh well!That does..it!I'm going to throw a mustard pie out the window!Toddleloo!

[Rumpelstiltskin]

Oh Dear!Oh deary me o' my!
Here comes the riff-raff...
wretched goblin pimp
with his team of cloned pigeon
rag,tag & bobtailed...
ninnigans!
He's all spruced up
& sporting a false fuzzball
& also a feather in his ear.
He's covered with leopard spots
& polka dots
that dot him
everso mad.
Beetle-creeper shoes...
satin hanky...
pink pony tattoos...
Oh he's a hanky-panky man!
He can't be that cool!
I guess a leopard
never changes it's spots!

[Rumpelstiltskin]

Everything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about...so please help promote Crumbleforeskin's Declining Empire Of The Holy Church Of Nonsense a.s.a.p!
Please sling some frogskins a.s.a.p & send it to:
Crumbleforeskin's Long LOst Cause Association Of Idiotic Nonsense:
43 & a half flat zZz
Mangel-Wurzel GooOsebump Drive
ET-R5D4 No-Man's-Ville
Limbo Land
Oblivion

[Rumpelstiltskin]

Mr Razzamatazz here ready to totally razzle dazzle out to the max....so put your tutti-frutti shoes on & do the itsy bitsy yellow polka-dot bikini thing...with all the pizazz you wish...& throw in the duck walk while you're at it!Come on hunky-dory...let's rinky-dink the whatchamacallit?Oh you cutie-pie teensy-weensy thingamabob.....this is all a bit itsy-bitsy,itty-bitty & higgledy-piggledy don't you think?I say okey-dokey....let's get hanky-panky & do the hokey-pokey....little sweetie cherub!Let's stop this poppycock,prittle-prattle,gibble-gabble,chitter-chatter & get down to business
because i'm Mr Hunky the good time Charlie dood!

[Rumpelstiltskin]

Gorblimey!It's friggin' crazy at times when your at the tail end of a phonecard & you have to squeeze all your words in...in a flying hurry before it expires!Sometimes you have to be so quick on the public phone here in some parts of Europe...because local calls are timed...& sometimes you can go through a whole phonecard....just on one local call....lasting 10-15 minutes!Not in Oz...where you can really take your time in public phones on local calls as they're not timed.Quite alot of phoneboxes in Europe have no coin slots....& sometimes you have to go on a mission to find a phone-card!Late at night....it can sometimes be almost impossible to make a phone call if you don't have a phone card!Oh well such is life!
Anyway i'm going to ring up a Munchkin now...& speak 7 hours of gobbledygook to drive us both insane!P.S.Toodleloo & please leave your message after the beep!P.S.GooOse!

[Rumpelstiltskin]

Gosh!Many years back i was in Fitzroy in Melbourne in Oz & i was sitting outside a flower shop on a bench eating a falafhel minding my own business,& all of a sudden...totally out of the blue....some old man came flying through the flower shop window!The whole huge window...just smashed to pieces as this old hobo geezer jumped through the window....with a solid brass antique cash-register in his arms.He even had no shoes on...& it was surprizing he didn't cut his feet.He just grunted after he jumped through & then walked up & down Brunswick St with the solid brass cash- register in his arms.After some time he went down some side street & it wasn't so long until there were police cars everywhere.He was mad....that he just walked around with the cash register after all that scenario...& got caught so obviously.Gosh!It spun me out just eating quitely & seeing some old geezer come flying through a flower shop window...just a few metres from where i was sitting!It was totally surreal.Golly gosh!That geezer surely had a few screw loose!

[Rumpelstiltskin]

It drives you bananas sometimes when you realise hours later after a oen has exploded in your pocket & you dig in your pocket to get a chewy...only to find your hand come out black.Also your thigh goes black.Also pens going off in your bag & that...or even little satchets of honey by crikey!I'll never forget that time a bottle of V8 vegetable juice....broke in my bag....when i was in Luxembourg & i discovered it when i got on the train & all my drawings got vegetable juice all over them & so did all my stuff!It was a complete friggin' mess!I also did some busking that day...in Luxembourg....but through the rain...in my jester's regalia!P.S.GooOse-On!

[Rumpelstiltskin]

Oh gosh!The first time i got drunk was when i was 12....off 1 can of Vic Bitter!I was with a couple of friends...but they had drank beer before.After one can...i was feeling quite weird...& thought"Gosh!This is strange....what's happening?"After some time my friends drove me out to the suburbs...into Templestowe.They pulled up at a Seven Eleven & i quickly got out & chucked up!The car park was full of hoons & they all circled around me & applauded while i was chucking up!It was really surreal....that all these hoons were clapping & cheering as i was throwing up!Oh well...that was my first experience of getting pissed!
The first time i really got pissed off wine was weird too.I was at a friend's house...& i had a glass of wine with a bag of mixed lollies...& that was that....the lollies came flying back out again!Yuck!

[Rumpelstiltskin]

The first time i attempted to smoke was when i was 10.I got a tea-bag & some thin paper & spread the tea on paper & rolled it up...& lit it & smoked some of it!It tasted awful...& that was that!
I was at some night club with a punk friend when i was 14 & we crashed out under some tables as we were pissed & didn't have the energy to leave!Later on we woke up out of a daze...to some spotlight shining us....& we thought"Crikey!What's Going On?"We were so clumsy & dizzy!We couldn't even see well as the spotlight was shining right at our eyes....& then a voice over the microphone said"Well done!You've won the award for being the dirtiest trashiest people in the night club!",& then some camp Queen came over & handed us 2 bottles of champagne!Winning a prize for being asleep....was quite funny!
When i was 14 i used to go hang out with some punks in Adelaide & we would all go to some gay nightclub some nights as there was free food & free entry before 10 p.m.The food was really good as it was a bit of a smorgasbord..& it was totally free.It was a mostly guys club....but we brought along punk chics with us....& had a good laugh.The name of the nightclub was called Park Avenue.They would hand out this really cheesy pleasure money...with pictures of Beefcake men on it....& when the red siren would go off at certain times in the night....that's when you rush to the bar to get cheap drinks...with the pleasure money.Other times in the night there would be a cue for everyone to get off the dance & sit down...& get ready to watch the strippers come on.It was such a laugh...when the cheesy music would start....& out would come some beefcake guy slowly stripping off!All of us would scream with laughter when the beefcake stripper guy would go up to one of us punks by surprise & start being kinky right in front of us!It was intimidating....& sometimes one of the punk's would try & flip the beefcake stripper off his lap when he would go to sit on him & put his arms around him!
Us punks certainly got a good laugh at this joint & would dance for hours to the worst cheesy music which was all the more fun!

[Rumpelstiltskin]

Gosh!What about those times when you get squeezed inbetween train doors & you're struggling like a complete nutter to free yourself!I can't remember how many times this has happened to me...but it can just about turn you into a wild animal when you just can't break free...,but then thankfully some people all quickly come to the attention & manage to release you!

[Rumpelstiltskin]

Gosh!I was at a festival in Austria....which i thought was originally supposed to be a Children's & Buffoon Festival....but it turned out to be an Agricultural Feztival.
My first spot to perform at in the festival was right infront of an army tank.There were Austrian soldiers standing around & ontop of the tank trying to entice people to join the army.I was in my full jester's regalia with silly long nose & all on...just about ready to start & then the organiser came over & said"How do you like your spot?"I thought"Arhhh Crikey!"I just said"Crikey!"
I couldn't believe the contrast....it was total opposites looking at each other!The tank canon was pointing right into the show.....so i stuffed a giant rubber blow-fly into it...& later on a few balloons.It was just so silly...that i had to get some photos...which i still have.Gosh!What a World!You never know what you'll be up against....sometimes when you're out there in your pixie getup!

[Rumpelstiltskin]

My very first time overseas....(well Tasmania & Fraser Island don't count as far as countries go)......i stopped in Bali for about 7 hours before going to London.When i was near the beach i met some Indonesian people who said they'll give me a ride in their nice posh car to a nice beach....so i went on the spirit of adventure...& got in.They drove out for miles & miles & into the sticks & i was thinking....it's getting kind of kooky now!They eventually pulled up at some house...& invited me in.They gave me some fruit juice & talked with me for a while & then invited me into another room.It started to feel a bit weird.They told me to sit down & then they sat around the table & some guy said"Would you like to come to the casino with me?"I said"Nah not really!"He said"OKay!This can be the casion here then!"He started to show me some special cheating techniques on how to win poker...& i wasn't even paying any attention anyway.Before i knew it some Indonesian business man looking bloke came in & put a brief-case on the table & pulled out wads & wads & wads of US dollars all bundled up....& said there was $10,000 US to bet.In no time the game started...even though i wasn't into it at all.I said that i wasn't interested.....but the game was on.I couldn't even remember how to play poker anyway,but i was winning for a while...& clocked up alot of chips...until he put a good hand down & i was bust!He said i owe....so much money & i said"I'm skint!I don't have bugger all!"He got me to take my wallet out & i only had $5 Oz in it!He was quite a bit fucked off...because he wasted all that time on me!I wasn't so pleased either as it was wasting my time....as i had a friend's phone number on me & i wanted to go & visit them....within my stop over of being in Bali.THey drove me back to the beach.....& then i rang up the number but no-one was home.I was starting to think that i was getting a bit short for time by that stage so i was keen to get back to the airport.Some bloke saw that i was having trouble trying to ring up my friend & asked me if i need any help?I said"Oh!Now i'm in a bit of a hurry to get to the airport....so where do i get the bus to get back?"He said that he was a taxi driver & he would give me a lift.I took the lift...but he didn't turn out to be a cab driver at all....as he was driving quite far away in the wrong direction....& again out into the sticks!He had to get some petrol so he pulled up at a petrol station...& said"Give me some money for petrol!"I said"I don't have any!"He than just grabbed my wallet out of my pocket & pulled out $5 as that's all there was in it!I quickly opened the door & grabbed my $5 back off the dash board & started to hitch on the road.I could see him grunting & yelling a bit!I was really worried at this stage as i didn't have so much time to get to the airport.I managed to flag a car down quickly & said"I really have to get to the airport quickly!"I got in & they drove me all the way there...which made me happy & i gave them my $5.I then lightening quick scrambled to make the plane on time & was lucky as i was the last one to board the plane!Gosh!It really was a bee's whisker!Gosh!What a time....my first out of Australia experience!I was a bit disappointed that i didn't get to visit my friend in Bali though...but then again felt happy that i flagged that car down just in the nick of time!Crikey!

[Rumpelstiltskin]

In year 2000 i performed at the Edinburgh Rugby club as some lady saw me at the Edinburgh Festival & wanted me to come along & do something.I arrived in full jester's getup & walked past rugby supporters & even had rugby players coming my way...as they were ready to run onto the field...as i was trying to get to the pavillion.They laughed & thought it was funny...& it felt good as they weren't aggressive about it!I performed inside the pavillion to the kids while the rugby match was on outside.It was kind of bizarre...me in my full jester getup...performing to the rugby player's kids!I thought"Crikey!I'm an influence on them!Maybe i might inspire them to get into jesting...later on in their life?It would be more of an asset for them than rugby"
The show went well enough....& was kind of kooky!It was a good experience....not to get sausages galore thrown at you...like i did once when i was in Australia....by rugby players..at some pub...as i was the warm up act before the Rock'n'Roll starts!P.S.GooOse-On!