JOKES

[Peter Voice]

Whaaaaat?????

You got an email from "he who shall remain noseless"????

Don't you know how to block such nightmares?

[Magrat2005]

20 ways to say your fly is open

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows in your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

13. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

12. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

and the number one way to tell someone his fly is unzipped..

1. I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

[Magrat2005]

Women Are Evil

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men
and a woman.
.
For the last test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
.
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home."
.
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."
.
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the
room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming,
crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The
door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from
her brow.
.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to
death with the chair."
.
MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

[Magrat2005]

Men Are Like...

1. Men are like ......Laxatives .... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like ...... Bananas .... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ...... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them..
4. Men are like ...... Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ..... Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...... Commercials .... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ...... Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ...... Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ..... Mascara .... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ..... Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like . Snowstorms .. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ...... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ..... Parking Spots ..... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[Butterfly Man]

Gone Fishing

On a tour of the US, Gav takes a couple of days to visit the Bay Area. He is down at the wharf checking out Kris Karney’s act when suddenly he hears a frantic commotion off Pier 39.

There is Taxi Trix struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As Gav watches horrified, Butterfly Man & Martin Ewen come running up.

Martin, quickly slams one of his stilts into the shark's side while Butterfly Man reaches out and pulls a bleeding, semiconscious Karl from the water. Then Robert & Martin beat the shark to death and haul it out onto the pier.

Amazed, Gav runs up says, "Man, that was something else! You guys are incredible. You saved his life, even though I heard there was some bitter hatred over LPM’s or something. Now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As Gav heads away, Lurk asks Butterfly, "Who was that?"

"Oh, he’s one of those European pole acts," Robert answers, "I hear he’s pretty funny."

"Well," Martin says, "he may get a lot of laughs, but he doesn't know shit about shark fishing ... how's the bait holding up?"

[martin ewen]

Its not a 'pole act' more a dynasty, antipodean self elevating altitudinists.

Als got the micro-bike thing where he's right down and looking up at them so he has good range.He's immunised to that degree from a common danger to Stilt, pole, high uni.
Looking down on people becomes a way of life.

[jester]

kidnapped by mime

Having taken responsibility and married into a nice family, Martin decides that he has to pay for his ski-ing holidays without compromising the lifestyle to which his family are accustomed.

he is faced with 2 choices: Charge higher fees and wear higher stilts or kidnap a rich kid.

So he Lurks down to a local park and scares the shit out of all the kids and grabs a posh looking kid and lopes off into the trees.

Determined not to compromise his art, Martin then tries to talk to the kid using only mime. He can't beleive his luck, this kid is bright and can mime back. The conversation roughly translates as follows:

Martin: Hey kid. I've kidnapped you. You can either spend the rest of your life with a face covered in slap and work the streets as my mime slave, or you can persuade your parents to cough up $5,000.

Kid: Leave it to me. I'll persuade my Dad.

Martin: Wise choice. Here is a note.

The note said: "I have kidnapped your son. Send him back to the park with $5,000 U.S. or I'll take him away for ever. Signed Lurk - a really scary mime artist.

Martin then lets the kid go with the note.

He's lurking around in the trees for an hour or so when he suddenly realises the flaw in his plan, so he decides to scarper before the cops arrive. As he is lumbering off he suddenly sees the kid coming into the trees dragging a massive sack of cash.

Martin can't believe his luck.

The kid passes up the cash with a note which says:

"Here is my hat from the Montreal Festival, it's about $3 dollars short. How could you do this to a fellow mime artist you bastard!"

[Butterfly Man]

no balls or cups

Gazzo and Kris had been married for many years. Every time they had sex, Gazzo always insisted on turning off the lights.

Well, after so many years Kris felt this was ridiculous. She figured this crazy habit of his was just because he was so fat and ugly. So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down, and saw Gazzo was holding a battery-operated dildo!

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

Gazzo looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the dildo . . you explain Chaney."

[Peter Voice]

The Wilsons

Mrs. Wilson was cooking breakfast when she yelled for Mr. Wilson to give her a hand.
She was just dropping the eggs in the boiling water as he entered and asked what she wanted.
"I need you to make love to me right here and now." she said.

"Wow, right here and now?" he asked as he started to fire up.

"Yeah, I can't find the egg timer." said Mrs.W.

[martin ewen]

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning.
He told Bush that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.
To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from the president's face,
then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.
Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld.......

Wait for it.......

"Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

[Will]

Man walks into a bar and fishes out a pack of cigarettes. He realises he hasnt got a lighter but fortunately the bloke next to him offers his Bic Lighter. The man can't help notice that the lighter is extraordinarily large.
"Wow, where'd you get that lighter from" he asks.
"Well, i'll let you into a secret" says the other " I'm in possesion of a magic Geeny in this bottle here! and thats where i got this big lighter"
Astounded, the man asks if he may have a wish and the other man agrees.
" I wish for a million bucks" says the man
After a while the door opens and a duck walks in, followed by another and then a continuous deluge of ducks.
"What the hell is this?" asks the enraged man
the other merely replied
"Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch Bic?"

[Peter Voice]

I was sitting at home a week or two ago, lounging on the veranda at the ranch, enjoying a lemonade, when Ulla Taylor and her current squeeze, Nick something or another, came around.

Bev was busy mowing the expansive lawns and this seemed to outrage Ulla. You know, "Why is Bev slaving away while you're lounging here?", "She's killing herself while you relax!" etc. etc.

I told Ulla that Bev loved her gardening and, basically, fuck off and mind her own business.

A couple of days later I realised that Ulla was right and that I had to do something about the situation.

I bought Bev a ride-on mower

[jayrodin]

What’s brown, lives three feet under the ground, and eats rocks?

A brown rock eater!

Okay, that was stupid. I'll redeem myself.

Say all these super genius scientists get together and make a massive drill. They drill a hole all the way through the center of the earth and out the other side. Perfectly cylindrical hole straight through. If you dropped a rock down it how far would it fall? Yes, you are right, it would end up in the center of the earth because of gravity but in actuality it would fall three feet and then the brown rock eater would get it.

(It's funny how many people say it'll fall all the way through and end up in space.)

[le pire]

How do you get a juggler to bitch?

Give him a gig.

[seagull]

Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to
Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any idea
where we are?"
"Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."