JOKES

[GlassHarper]

Mousing Around

My new wife and I registered at the Disneyland Hotel for our honeymoon. We soon discovered that to avoid long lines in the park we should take the monorail over there in the evening, so we spent most of the days lolling around the swimming pool.

On the first day the Mickey and Minnie Mouse characters came through welcoming guests. Minnie tripped over her outsized feet and fell into the pool.

Ever the gallant, Mickey jumped in and hauled her near lifeless form out of the water to the side of the pool. It was the first time we'd ever seen mouse-to-mouse resucitation!

[Stephon]

Originally posted by charlatan_mudo
Anyway if you want to know the meaning of it, go to www.yourdictionary.com. Free spanish-english dictionary available.

Translated using Google Language Tools--

Two fish are after long time without seeing itself, and as the time does not happen in vain they are chatting awhile counting the news. That if that, that if the other. Of blow one asks the other: "and your father, what does" And his colleague answers: "Then, nothing"

There, that's much clearer.

[Steven Ragatz]

Two fish are after long time without seeing itself, and as the time does not happen in vain they are chatting awhile counting the news. That if that, that if the other. Of blow one asks the other: "and your father, what does" And his colleague answers: "Then, nothing"

Steve

[Steven Ragatz]

Oh shit. Someone already posted that one. Sorry.

Steve

[Stephon]

Couldn't sleep either, huh?

[Butterfly Man]

a joke in progress ...

El Glenno Grandé gets fired from his cruise ship gig because the old folks start to complain. Apparently, they were promised some form of entertainment.

Agent Barry Ball panics trying to find a replacement because all the good acts are already booked, so he calls up Gazzo.

Unfortunately for Gazzo, while at sea, his ship collides with another ‘gay’s only’ cruise line and only he, Byron Bertram, and a dog survive.

All three get stranded on a desert island.

After being there a while, Gazzo gets into his habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down and to listen to his Leonard Cohen CD’s.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for Gazzo to listen to his collection of fag poetry, but alas, he discovers the batteries in his Walkman have died.

As he sat there, Gazzo eyes settled on Byron. Since being shipwrecked, Byron had started looking better and better to Gazzo. Shortly, Gazzo leaned over to Byron and put his arm around him. Immediately, the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until Gazzo took his arm away.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, as luck would have it there was another shipwreck.

This time the only survivor was Dan Holzman …

[charlatan_mudo]

no need to translate this one

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

[Butterfly Man]

World’s Thinnest Books

HOW TO CONTROL SUBSTANCE ABUSE
by Dale Thompson

HOW TO WRITE ORIGINAL MATERIAL
by Lee Ross

HOW TO GET CRUISE SHIP BOOKINGS
by Gazzo Osborne

HOW TO MAKE PERFECT SENSE
by Rumplestiltskin

HOW TO SHARE A PITCH EQUITABLY
by Bill Furgeson

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT PEEWEE
by Emma

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Master Lee

THINGS I DON’T HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT
by Chance

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Cyrus P. Koski

MY CELEBATE YEARS
by Alakazam

PR AND MARKETING TIPS
by Chris Karney (forward by Scot Nery)

KINGSTON BUSKERFEST'S GUIDE TO EXPENSE REIMBURSEMENT

BOBORINO GRAVATINNI’S MARRIAGE MANUAL

WINDSOR: a Travel Guide

A COLLECTION of UNCONTROVERSIAL SPEECHES
by Trevor Rooney

HOW TO TAKE FROM THE STREET PERFORMING COMMUNITY
by Dick Finkle

HOW TO GIVE TO THE STREET PERFORMING COMMUNITY
by Kim Kelley/Henrickson whatever

DO IT YOURSELF SURGERY
by Jeff Bradley

BEAUTY SECRETS
by Lucky Rich

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Dino Lampa

GUIDE TO PERFORMER ETIQUETTE
by Glenn Singer

LEAN CUSINE RECIPES
by 'Arry Pavoratti

MY PLAN TO MAKE A COMEBACK
by The Butterfly Man

and the #1 bestseller is:

HOW TO WIN A JOKE WRITING CONTEST
By Dan Holzman

[Butterfly Man]

I'm trying something new

Per Nick's request (from the fight of the century thread)

Bums are good in bed because:

They know how to make jugglers feel sexy

Clowns make such bad alcoholics because:

It's too hard to do a 12 step program in those big shoes

Tim Eric is scared of leaving USA because:

I don’t know… his logic escapes me


P.S There's a new guy on the board who's much better at joke writing ...maybe he'll be able to help... I sure hope I don't embarrass myself in front of him because he's successful.

[Butterfly Man]

still workin' on the teddy bears & bananas one

Per Jester's request (from the Fight of the century thread)

What is the difference between an Iraqi Prisoner of War and a Starving Juggler?


A) about 3 lbs.

B)The juggler prays that his balls are caught but the Iraqi prays when his balls are caught

C) Iraqis belong to the Bathe Party, jugglers only bathe partly

[Dan Holzman]

Jokes

In the spirit of fun and not compitition I'll try my hand at two more of Nick's topics( I don't know who Tim Eric is, so I didn't have anything for that one)

Bums are good in bed because

No one can smooch quite like a mooch


Clowns make such bad alcoholics because.

Being hit in the face by flying bakery goods always leaves them pie eyed.

[Butterfly Man]

Asphyxiated zippers

Per Jester's request (from the Fight of the century thread)


What's blue, flies and wears flared trousers?


A) Ringo Starr in a mellow submarine

B) A flock of '69 Levi's

C) The Jet Blue Who

[Dan Holzman]

jokes

what's blue, flies, and wears flared trousers?

A sad example of a 60's style trapeze act.

A tony Orlando loving airline pilot who's cockpit has run out of oxygen.

a hanggliding teenaged papa smurff

Just the jokes folks
Dan

[Whaleman]

What is blue, flies and wears flared trousers?

I thought that was Bike boy.

Still why are bums good in bed?

Gives you a place to store your thin books...well hey it keeps them upright!

Butterfly man is in a bar chatting up a Harp Seal. the seal turns to Butman and says "Is that a baculum in your pants or are you just pleased to see me"....Butman replies "Naaa....I'm just out clubbing!"

Ozzie runs in to Nick in a bar...Ozzie says " are you taking the piss?!"
Nick says "no, I usually drink vodka"

Cheers, Ant

[Dan Holzman]

I've got a million of them

.... and maybe one day one of them will be funny


What's blue, flies, and wears flared trousers?

A freezing LSD addict who has Elephantiasisof the ankle.


Bums good in bed because:


The only thing they lick that they can't get off is food stamps.



Clowns make such bad alcoholics because:

Whenever they're pulled over driving and forced to take a drunk test they always walk funny.