Martin Kicks Arse

[le pire]

He read selections from "Me Talk Pretty One Day," and selections from his (then) upcoming book "Dress Your Family in Courdory" and then he read from a "diary" but he admitted it wasn't really his diary because he would never read from that publicly, and then he read some unpublished essays. I was on the floor laughing and he has a great dead-pan, understated delivery. He just lets his words do the work.

[Peter Voice]

Really people, what the fuck is going on here????

My computer keeps telling me that "Martin Kicks Arse" and I come here to find you guys are running some sort of shitty little lovey-dovey, book club???

Why don't you all piss off so that we can get back to thread!!

[jester]

Well it's gone all lovey dovey while they wait in hope that something starts up again.

7 days ago, I decided to simply stop posting, I continued to read, but I simply stopped. Martin declared himself the winner, the crowds roared with approval and I walked off as they booed me and taunted me.

The victory celebrations lasted all of half an hour before Martin decided that this wasn't enough. Maybe we aren't finished yet they all thought. Their blood lust clearly unsatisfied they attemtped to lure me back with taunts.

This went on for days. Just how much validation does a naughty jester need?

Martin appealed for graciousness. "Have we learned nothing?" He asked. "No!" He answered himself as he interrupted his ski-ing holiday to come back an bait me some more.

"Magrat is in fact Jester in disguise" he theoreticised.

"Yeah" Peter said. "She must be cos shes only a little girl but she's giving us a run for our money."

Firegirl and Magrat went on to prove that they are far more entertaining and filled in while the audience demanded more. Encore, come back Jester. They chanted over and over.

I was tempted. Oooooh I was tempted but they were far better players than Martin or I could dream of.

I'm sorry. I can't follow what has happened since.

So I am happy to bow out, the loser, the beguiled, Martin has won. My arse is well and truly kicked.

I accept that Martin has won if that is what is required.

But now we've started a book club... Can I come and join in pleeaase. I promise to be good and constructive and not to bait or be baited. Boring but relevant I shall be....

I ask you humbly, not for forgiveness but for tolerence, for closure, let me join the book club. I am reading The Life of Pi.

[Peter Voice]

Who was talking to you, Jester?

You bowed out and now you come back because I tell every-one else to fuck off.

I like it when Martin kicks arse and I don't like being told he's doing it, just to find a bunch of people discussing their favourite books, even if I do like Pratchet and Sedaris.

I started two new thread's for those of us that love books before I made my last post here.

They are currently free of oral tinea but pls, every-one, wash your feet and gargle before entering.

[jester]

Now who's the troll then?

Sorry about that Peter. I thought you were trying to get the thread back on topic, what with your hard drive being the hub of Jims world and everything.

Well... er... LOOKS EMBARRASSED

to show there's no hard feelings here's a little joke at your expense:

Why did Peter cross the road?

He was being manipulated by the chicken.

[martin ewen]

Run Skip run, chase the red wagon.

I gave Butterfly a book once when we were traveling together, it was just short stories, the book was called splatter-punk and was filled with very well written but just mindfuckingly evil stories.
He read one short story and gave me the book back and told me Never Ever to lend him a book again.
Well yes the thread did sort of go its own way, I'm trying to be zen about it. I don't own it, it doesn't own me. Jesters back, proving of course that without us he is nothing but a community jester and somehow, inconceivably, that isn't enough.
Having read a few years of his posts and having seen little that interested me, I feel no great loss technically ignoring him. I had thought of using this thread like a blog but then I don't like the title.
I have no inner rambo.
(sniff sniff) I'm just a sad little married man whose decided to live in a country thats currencies about to crash, with a viable street theatre culture rivaling Borneo's, facing the challanges of either using my performance skills as they are to settle into Renaissance fairs and Bat mitzvas and lead a life of quiet compromise. Or to focus on writing or to join some or start a performance collective that gets on the bus and creates some serious cerebral damage via spectacle and comedy.
So does anyone have a bus?

[firegirl]

WHAT A WAY TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING

i yawn, do some brief yoga things to un-knot my back... my cell phone rings - it is a friend asking me to please go to cafepress.com so i can tell her what t-shirt to order me for the career day i'm speaking at next week... i do so & think,

"you know, i should check my email - i haven't checked my email since yesterday morning!"

so i wander over to gmail & log in - ooohhh! lookie! two new p.net notifications. let's go look to see if "martin kicks arse" has gotten any more boring (i agree with peter on this one...)

and, this is what i find! i should really remember not to take a drink of hot coffee before reading this thread. i'm afraid i have a bit of a mess to clean up now.

good form, boys... good form!

welcome back jester.

let the blood bath and low blows commence.

and, martin - who's the author of that book? it sounds like something i'd be interested in reading.

later.

[martin ewen]

I will need a sober driver also

http://www.abaa.org/detailindex.php?recnr=171897411&membernr=1673&booknr=92863&source=froogle

or

http://dogbert.abebooks.com/servlet/BookDetailsPL?bi=129166940&an=&tn=Splatterpunks+:+The+Definitive+Anthology

I think it was the second one.
However
This martin as a public service reading room is OVER.
I'm taking this thread back. I'm raising my game, not content for it to be a minor barrel for suicidal janglyheaded ominously inhumourous historical throwbacks to crawl to to be lashed by my multiforked tongue convinced it will replace a vague infantile vacuum. NO MORE.
That time has passed, flogging dead horses can be fun but boiling their hooves and making gum that loses its flavour almost immediately and leaves you manic and chewing a tasteless ball simply out of habit. Well you all know what I'm talking about.
We all secretly hate ourselves for chewing cud too long. Life is short! Too Too short.
Its plain as the nose on my face, the small circular wound on the popes neck, the unsightly orangepeel cellulite on the sagging buttocks of western culture. YOU PEOPLE LACK DIRECTION.
I will be patient only up to a point.
I WANT A FUCKING BUS.

[Magrat2005]

Re: WHAT A WAY TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING

Originally posted by firegirl
welcome back jester.

Yeah, now you'll play with us again!!

Originally posted by firegirl let the blood bath and low blows commence.

not to metion, the bitch fighting, the slapping, the name calling, the teasing, the hair pulling....

[martin ewen]

Shouldn't you be pregnant?

Begone you pestilent post pubescent! You lose your virginity after a couple of Tenants and presume to be a grown up? You have yet to be tested in battle simply because your shield is, for all to see, as flimsy as your raison d'etre.
Irish wolfhound puppies whose feet consist two thirds their bodyweight could better you in this thing you so ridiculously refer to as bitchfighting.
I unignore you out of pity and THIS is how you repay me.
We speak of BUSES, Great crusades of humour and spectacle that require great minds and ceaseless energies and much hub-bubbing and you fritter my time with your fathomless appetite for little girlie spats.
Go and practice juggling quickly, find a reason to live.
I was about to descibe my BUS before you interrupted my train of thought with your literary acne.

[Magrat2005]

Re: Next?

Originally posted by martin ewen
Its 2 hours shy of a full 24 hours without a girliepost. Thats a record since conception. I can almost hear the little minds, whirring, whirring.

"Girlies?" "Little Minds?" how did I let this one slip? And dont you bring my virginity in it this (cuz I assume that was directed at me, and its got fuck all to do with you how I lost it), you sexist pig...

[martin ewen]

I don't think you even have a sister

I will take your virginity for strolls as i wish, I mean it's not as if you still own it or anything. Its out there in the great social construct, like the moon landings.

[Magrat2005]

what makes you think that, Martin? what makes you think I dont have a sister, and what makes you think that my virginity has got anything to do with this?

[martin ewen]

As I was saying, this BUS must have provision for storage in its undercarriage and long flagstaffs will be stored there as pageantry seems to be a hardwired attraction> They could also serve as defensive staves if townfolk come to burn us.

[Guest]

"I Think We're All Bozos On This BUS"