heckler lines for kids(rude Kids)

[The Amazing Beaumanz]

am looking for some suggestions???

[Butterfly Man]

Some of these are kinda harsh ... others somewhat soft and a few of them are Gazzo's ... can anyone pick them out?


I went to Baskin Robbins and the flavor of the month was your mother.

Tag: I had two scoops.

What’s your problem? By any chance were your parents related?

I could have been your father but I didn’t have change for a dollar.

What are you going to be IF you grow up?

This year’s poster child for zero population growth.

Child who has just been funny: That was a pretty good joke, kid. What are you trying to do, top your parents?

You could get a job in a charm school - as a bad example.

Go ask mummy for some Ritalin.

Had a little too much sugar this morning?

What’s the matter, kid, didn't you get enough attention at home?

Everyone else here works and plays well with others.

Don't yell at me, I ain’t your mother.

Now I know why some animals eat their young.

You make me wish I’d donated to Planned Parenthood.

I love children, I eat one every day.

I have the heart of a child - in a little glass jar at home.

By any chance were your parents related?

To an adolescent girl: Ah, the flower of womanhood! You look more like the stem.

Did you go to school on the big bus or the little bus?

Kinda makes you wish birth control was retroactive.

I’m glad you came. Too bad your father did.

Shut up or I’ll put my hand in my pocket and strangle your father.

Speak to me oh spawn of Satan.

Hey kid, Beavis is lookin for you!

Back off you ain't got no pubic hair.

Shut your mouth or you’ll win a free trip to Michael Jackson's camp.

Tag: Hell help you find the other glove.

If your parents got divorced would they still be your brother and your sister?

By any chance did your mother smoke when you were in the womb?

I could have been your father but the dog beat me over the fence.

Isn’t it amazing what a little kindness, patience and benzedrine can do?

[scot]

Do something threatening yet innocent and say, "I'm not going to hurt you. You're not at home any more."

"shut up or I'll finish what a coathanger started 9 years ago" ***just thought this one up!

I like to say this when noone is laughing. "Don't laugh, his parents couldn't afford public school"

(non attacking) "Yeah, 'you suck.' Really funny until you have to make a living."

(someone else's) "Out of millions it's hard to believe you were the fastest."

"Everybody, there's a drunk midget in the front row. Make sure he doesn't drive"

It's always good to refer to the wrong gender

"I'll just wait for the start of community service"

"Thanks for coming, I loved Different Strokes"

"It's like my Dad has a miniature clone"

I'll just keep on writing these for you. It's not that hard to beat a child at a battle of wits.

"Kids, don't try this at home... except for you."

"Children like this are the reason sodomy is illegal"

[Guest]

I like to throw a shot at the ones responsible for the little horror:
"I don't blame you for your behavior, I blame your parents."

Chris

[The Amazing Beaumanz]

thank you all for the suggestions!!! i just want to strengthen my arsenal!!

[AJJames]

"I'm sorry that my show is interupting your puberty"
"I'm just going to ignore you, like your parents did."

[scot]

I saw a performer say, "I hate you!" then made a racial slur and told everyone the show was over.

I thought that was smart. Those medling kids left him alone.

Like I said, this was not me, so I'm not giving you permission to do this. Thought it might be inspirational to you as it was to me.

[The Amazing Beaumanz]

As some of you know, our pitch here at Pier 60, is located right next to a playground and parents have the tendency to leace their kids unattended. This also makes the degree of "harshness" very minimal. It is very "family-oriented"

thanks again all!!

[Todd]

Wow Scot and Butterflyman, those kid lines at the top of this thread are great!
Very funny stuff. Thanks for posting so many.
One thing I've seen done by a performer I know is if one kid is being really obnoxious, then my buddy will give another tougher looking kid in the crowd a dollar and say

" Heres a buck, if that kid talks again, go beat him up"

"Hey I'm working here. When you grow up I'm going to where you work and kick over the slurpee machine."

on the other hand there really is now way to really win with a kid heckler. You might get the adults to laugh and they will certainly understand that this kid is just being a little ass with no supervision, but I have never seen some one totally win against a kid. Kids have a full-proof defense agains any heckler line. It goes like this:
you say your line.
the kid says 'no' or 'nuh-uh' or 'so'
thus it never really gets under thier skin so they know what jerks they are being for ruining your show.
I tend to use those kid lines for the rest of the audience, so they know you are still trying to exert some control, and still play to them. I dont really worry if the comeback is crushing the kid. Besides kids ususally give in to that MTV attention span and move on after a time.
Pre-teen and teens you can usually play hard with in terms of crushing comebacks, but for younger kids even if you win in crushing them, you run the risk of looking like you are bullying a little kid ,and can sometimes run the risk of alienating parts of the audience.
If you have structured your show well then you have set up the expectation that you are in charge and the obnoxious kid ratio is usually only an exception. Usually.

On the other hand, I watched Gazzo at the Maryland Ren Fest pull a pretty obnoxious kid on stage and say:

'Stand here' kid stands on stage. Gazz goes into the crowd where the kid was and starts yelling "BOO!!!YOU SUCK" Then Gazz gets back on stage "How do you feel? Stupid right, well thats how I feel when you do it to me"
I know a rather sensitive moment for Gazz huh? Then he told the kid to sit down and did the 'I could have been your father, but I didnt have change for a dollar' line.

[Rev]

Used a few of these lines the other night. One actually made an obnoxious, unsupervised 12 year old leave.

"Everyone, this kid doesn't get enough attention at home, so everyone say hi to him. HI! Ok kid? Now shut up!"

[jester]

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING CLEVER ABOUT A GROWN PERSON TREATING A CHILD LIKE A STAND UP COMIC TREATS AN ADULT HECKLER. All that will do is teach them the virtues of one upmanship and they'll be back on some other poor performer but this time hardened further.

A put down is only good if the person you used it on laughs too. If not all you've done is humiliate one of your audience and probably embarrassed their parents and their freinds.

Insulting a kid by suggesting their parents are less than adequate is fundamentally childish and amateur.

I think there are cleverer ways of dealing with children than put downs. Put Downs are only good for people old enough to know better and even then I think it is good to laugh with them and keep them onside for the joke.

I tend to make obnoxious kids feel they have some kind of personal stake in the show going well. As I use volunteers most kids know that if they step over my boundaries they aren't going to be rewarded, and most obnoxious kids want to be in the show.

But then, I don't have a lot of problems with obnoxious kids. If kids are heckling you it's best to remember that until they are about 13 they probably mean no harm and are just over excited. If you are proffessional performer kids should not phase you and a bit of psychology, understanding and sheer honesty will get you a long way.

For really bad kids, instead of shouting aloud my put down I look them straight in the eyes and with a tone of voice that says "we are currently still freinds but I'm losing faith in you" I tell them "Listen mate, you are getting a bit over excited. Just cool down, sit tight and I guarantee you'll have fun too." That works every time.

Remember kids are honest and difficult as proffessionals you have to look after yourself in a civilised manner. , and if you are performing badly and having a bad day at the office they will be the first to tell you. If you can't raise your game do something else.

[Rick Martin]

All of that sounds right to me except the part about kids being honest. I've been hearing that for years and I don't see it. Kids can be just as full of bullshit as adults. When I used to work as a magician, boys around ten years old would shout, "I know how you did that!". I would gently invite them to explain it to the crowd and they would turn out to be loud mouthed A-holes who did not know anything about magic. I see kids accusing magicians of using Svengali playing cards when the magician is skillfully handling regular cards. I see little kids being tempermental at a show just to dig at their parents. I see kids giving clowns a hard time just because it's an adult that they can push around. What's so honest about that?

[Stephon]

Jester, showing restraint with an obnoxious kid would be taking the moral high ground, and perhaps it would be better if more of us did it.

That said, I think perhaps you have forgotten what it was like to be a kid. Children, even younger than 13, are clever and *very* aware of how to exploit a person's weak spots. Listen to any group of kids making fun of each other (or more likely one unfortunate victim) and you will hear some of the cruelest mockery around. A kid who is insulting you and disrupting your show with obnoxious behavior is not just some misguided, but innocent, little poppet.

If a child in your audience is just hyper and noisy, fine. But if he's being insulting, rude, or inappropriate, then I think it is completely justified to unload on the responsible party--the parents. It is, after all, the parents who should be telling the child that certain behavior is unnacceptable while watching a show (in fact, they should have done so long before the kid ever became part of an audience).

If the parent hasn't prepped the kid, and then sits there and lets the kid misbehave, then the parent *is* inadequate and by pointing it out during your show you a) may give them the short sharp shock they need, b) get them to shut the kid up, and c) say what every respectful member of the audience is thinking.

Getting upstart kids on your side is great if you can do it. It is a mistake, though, to engage the obnoxious one's by using them in your show--it just reinforces the bad behavior. Maybe they are acting out because they want to be part of the show, but it does no one a service to teach them that, "Hey, if I yell and act like a fool, I get rewarded." Better to look the bratty kid in the eye while you pick a well-behaved child as your volunteer.

[The Amazing Beaumanz]

i saw the jester's post on this subject and almost fell out of my seat!!! What planet do you perform on???

[jester]

Okay

I never....not once... suggested that kids were little angels, one hundred percent honest and totally non malicious.

I'm afraid that I have been performing for several years now and I don't suffer from obnoxious kids. I have over excited kids, I have little smart arses and the most dislikeable little shits in the world watching my show sometimes. But I don't have a problem.

Kids are like animals. If you really beleive that you are smarter than they are and aren't stupid enough to give them a challenge to rise to, they are easily handled.

Now if you guys are going to let little nine year olds get the better of you and you need a forum to help you gather ammunition, it is no wonder to me why you have problems.

As I said before, suggesting that a childs mother is a whore in a clever way, or suggesting that the child is inbred etc etc etc is frankly contemptable and I hope the little shits keep winning. Because it sounds to me like they do with you guys.

It could be that I am wrong. We have three possibities here:

1) The bad kids are never in town when I am.
2) I know what I'm talking about and handle them well
3) I'm just a fantastic performer and they all love me.

I think its a combination of 2 and 3 myself.. but hey.

To be fair, I am not naive and I do have aggressive conversations with the little shits sometimes, but not in front of the whole audience. I perform on your planet.

If I ever felt I wanted to insult a kid with any of those "your mother is a prostitute but I can say it in such a clever and funny way" lines I think I would stop and become a tax inspector.