Oh God, God help me think of a good reply

[jesus]

Following Peter Voices advice I am seeking help on a good reply to this email that I received thru my site:

Hello,
I know sword swallowing is dangerous, but could you give me some info on swallowing a plastic tube? I have a good reason to do so, it's for "tube feeding", I have just had vocal cord surgery!

I have no idea what to say to this guy.
And judging by the rest of the email it seemed for real.

[jayrodin]

Hahahahahahaha. Tell him to consult a Dr.

uhm.... DUH.

[Dan, a balloon man]

Perhaps he is taking your performing name seriously and thinks you can actually save him.......
Have you asked him if there is a gerbil involved?

[Hunter]

suggested response

Dear whoeverthehellyouare,

You're in luck; you've come to the right place. Most people in your situation would have blindly contacted a medical professional; they do this because they are sheep. Your 'outside the box' thinking may well have saved your life.

The truth of the matter is that doctors will purposefully make you sick in order to force you to continue to go to them; it's a form of economically induced munchausen's that is affecting the entire medical community. In your case a doctor would likely try to force a tube down your already tender throat, cut ANOTHER hole in your throat and shove an esophagostomy tube down it, or stab you in the stomach and then impale you with a jejunostomy tube. For any of these treatments they would charge you tens of thousands of dollars.

In reality, all that YOU need to get by is a plastic tube / nozzle used for cleaning a fish tank, a jar of vasoline, a private place, and someone who is very comfortable with your body. To administer this colostomy feeding tube, you will need to apply the vasoline liberally to your anus. Trust me, this is not where you want to skimp! Have your loved one insert the tube, and continue to feed it in until you have 6 feet inside of you. This will ensure that the food makes it's way to your stomach!

Choose several highly nutritional foods, such as cheese, corn syrup, and pork rinds, and put them into a blender. Have your loved one pour the mixture into the exposed end of the tube. He/She may need to blow on the end to force the mixture all the way to your stomach. Don't worry - any excess air will pass harmlesly as flatulence before your next bowel movement.

The cost of this last treament? Less that $20! Glad that I could help and best of wishes on your road to recovery!

Sincerely,

Jesus

[seagull]

Or,

You could thank them for the interest in your web site. But that you really don’t have much experience in this area. And you would suggest they consult their trusted health care provider about the matter.
Should you be one so inclined, you might offer to mention them in prayer.
Otherwise you could offer them your best wishes for a complete recovery.

[jesus]

but seriously folks

Or,
It could be that I have already written a nice little response in the real world and was merely looking to see what kind of fun we could have with this bit of wackiness in our world.
Once again I have failed to connect with my audience.

[Lee Nelson]

I think you connected with Hunter pretty well!!!

[seagull]

Re: but seriously folks

Originally posted by jesus
Or,
It could be that I have already written a nice little response in the real world and was merely looking to see what kind of fun we could have with this bit of wackiness in our world.
Once again I have failed to connect with my audience.

I knew you where a class act.

Your user name tipped me off...

[Peter Voice]

I thought anyone who could get a crowd of thousands to swallow raw fish and unleaven bread could teach anyone to swallow anything.

Ps, any good doctor should know there are several safe gag-suppressant drugs that would be perfectly applicable in such a case .The question might be a Furphy (Australian for a red herring or something back handed), some-one using an improbable excuse to learn the tricks off you.

It may also just be a sick person who is going through hell a couple of times daily and is interested in how you cope, it does read that way.