embarassing moments in the show

[scot]

The first time I tried a rolla bola was on stage at the Pier 39 during a show. It was Fred's or Marcus' or something. I wasn't supposed to be there anyway, so I would do whatever I wanted in my shows. I did rola bola with knife juggling for my finale and got up on it the 3rd try. Did it again in the next show, and never tried it again because I was so bored with it.

thayr's act is really good, but a single looks stupid and isn't any fun to me to perform. I don't get why anyone risks their necks for something so lame.

[Butterfly Man]

Those aren't tears on your belly ...

There is a major competiton in my mind as to the MOST embarrassing moment I’ve ever had during a show. The four major competitors involve a blue-eyed black man with an 8-inch penis (at least), a small child, a boy of about 9 (at most), a menstruating woman and a very deaf old man.

Very early on in my days in San Francisco, a black man walked onto my stage at the Cannery in San Francisco. While I was juggling to the William Tell Overture, he proceeded to scribble something on the back of my costume with a magic marker. When I stopped juggling he walked to the end of the stage and pulled out his rather large penis and proceeded to urinate. Some of his urine splattered on my portable Wollensack reel to reel (I’m old). Most everyone walked away in disgust except a lady who said I’d do better if I worked alone. The reason I remember his eyes were blue is because he looked me straight in the eye and asked me for money after everyone left.

I can’t remember the little boy’s name but he lived on one of the boats that docked at Pier 39 in San Francisco. He was a sad case really because his parents essentially abandoned him to the Pier while they did whatever. He watched all the shows all the time. Well, the kid showed an interest in juggling so I asked his parents if it was OK to take him to the juggler’s get together in Golden Gate Park. I did it and he was very grateful. Mind you when I performed this kid was a brat but that was probably because I was the Butterfly Man so I guess I deserved to be treated like shit. So I’m doin’ this show and I get to the club throw from the audience part and the little bastard picks up one of the clubs and keeps it. I ask for it back and he flings it and hits me right in the nuts. The club bounces off my balls and the little shit picks it up and threatens to throw it AGAIN. Now every man (and all you evil women) reading this know that when you get hit in the nuts you can’t think straight … you taste metal in your mouth and your entire body implodes upon itself. So when I see this kid rearing back with the club again, I snatched it out of his hand (like only a juggler can) and whack him on top of his head. He was wearing a plastic baseball hat so when I hit the top we all hear a h-u-g-e CRACK. The audience started to boo because I had obviously broken the kids hat so I think quickly and snatch the hat off the kid’s head. I then put it on the floor and stomp it into a million pieces. The audience roars with approval (my commitment, I guess) and I thankfully finished the show. Afterwards, I see the kid on the railing near the water, he was crying. He told me the Oakland A’s had all signed his helmet when they visited the Boy’s Club the week before. I gave him my top hat with all the money. No I didn’t, fuck that kid … he hit me in the nuts!


Again I was at the Pier. It was a time when the stage had a balcony overhead (those were the day$ my friend). I think I was doing boxes when a purse lands on the stage next to me (I hear a slight crack of glass when it lands). Of course I look up to thank the lady but I guess she had already left to come downstairs to get her purse. I then proceed to open up the purse to see what she has in there for me … oh look, a wallet … oh look, some keys … oh look, a tampon with red nail polish all over it (the crack). The woman who WAS approaching the stage abruptly turns and walks away. She comes back later to get her purse when everyone is gone. She never looks me in the eye.

This is probably the real #1 episode of my embarrassing moments. The reason is because for about 5 or six shows previous to this one, I was on a roll; I thought I could do anything. I had just returned from the UK and had seen the masters like Chris the Piss, Pep,and KeanO do whatever to whomever … so I thought I’d give it a go here in America. In the beginning it was working; I was trying all kinds of crazy stuff with people … really committing to taking risks. It was all working ‘til I picked on this old man with a hearing aid in the front row. Damn it! I was sure I could get away with murder with this guy ‘cause he was a regular …boy was I wrong! So the old guy always sat in the front bench with his cane and watched the shows when he was around (a lot). Now I didn’t talk to him much (he had a hearing aid ya know) but he must have known I’m really a nice person and not the asshole I pretend to be on stage … wrong. So I’m pulling the earplug out of his ear and then putting it back in all the time talking in static bursts … then I go for the controls in his shirt pocket … turn the dial all the way and hear a high pitch screeeeeee as the poor old guy winces in pain … he then grabs his canes and proceeds to beat me unmercifully. Very funny ‘til the audience started to boo … didn’t know how to turn that one around … I just took it … ouch … still don’t like thinking about that one. I sure hope that guy is dead by now.

[caricatureguy]

This one time I drew a picture and it didn't look like the person I was drawing! LOL! It was soooooo funny!


No seriously, a couple of years ago I drew this couple of girls at a bar on the boardwalk in OC, MD. I was chatting them up, they were both pretty cute. One looked like she was pregnant so, like I always do, I drew her with her hand on her belly and the other one holding her lower back, smuggling tater tots and her belly button poking out with a caption pointing to her belly saying "baby's first caricature!". I made it look like she was farting, so she had swirly "s" marks coming out of her butt too- cuz, you know... I was all proud of myself for noticing that she was pregnant without having to ask. I showed them the picture and the pregnant one goes storming off and her friend makes this "oh shit" kinda face at me and then doubles over laughing her ass off. Yeah, you guessed it. She was just fat. She tipped me very well though! It's probly on the internet somewheres.

The same thing happened last week when I came across a bachelorette party and drew the bride preggers. Still don't know how I got out of that one but I did!

Drawing girls as boys, boys as girls, can't even make an educated guess after asking them their name sometimes... (think Pat from SNL) I've been busted a few times- even by regulars I've drawn a few times already- as the opposite sex... oops.

Don't even get me started on drawing retarded kids at fundraisers...

I've mistaken teenage girls for adults and drawn them with huge tits right in front of their fathers...

One of my gags I do when I have a guy and 2 girls or visa versa is to draw them in a hottub naked. It gets a lot of laughs in the bar but it didn't go over so well one of the first times I drew it. I learned the hard way that I should ask first if they are siblings.

I drew a couple in a pizza parlor in Key West. It was kinda darkish and it was late a night (consequently I was drunk) It took me almost a full minute to realize that the reason that they were ignoring me ("hey lady, I need you to look at me and smile" *grin*) is because they were fucking at the time.

Oh, I got lots of em!

[pablo]

Bad Parenting 101

RE: "Drawing girls as boys, boys as girls, can't even make an educated guess after asking them their name sometimes... (think Pat from SNL)"



I absolutely hate this when it happens... and the kid always has a name like Pat, Chris, Kelly, Sean or Madison. I try to talk to the parent and get them to say He or She to indicate the gender, but it's often just a 50-50 guess.

I also hate the parents who give their children bizarre names and then get into arguments with each other about the correct way to spell the name.

I also hate parents in general, maybe because I am one. Sheesh.

[Butterfly Man]

Rule #!: Never molest children that can kick your ass

Man o’ man, how can I forget? … There was this family, a Korean Tae Kwan Do family, who wanted to do a show at Pier 39 while I was still the entertainment co-coordinator … they auditioned well enough … decent show considering their skill level and likability. Problem was, their reluctance to pass the hat with any intent … somehow feeling it demeaned the martial art form. After working on their show for a while they eventually just disappeared.

Skip to over a year later

Well, I see the family sitting in my front row of a show I had just started. There they were, the 10th degree Black belt dad, the 9th degree Black belt mom and their darling 8-year-old Green belt daughter who had been 8 years old then and was now nine. I couldn’t really refer to them because I had already started the show but I kind of remembered how the bit with the daughter and father had gone. It had been awhile since I saw them but I remember the father tugging at her sleeve once and saying to the little girl, “You want some money little girl?” She answered “No!” in her cute high-pitched little Korean girl voice … then daddy would tug twice on her sleeve and say, “You want some candy little girl?” “NO!” she would answer again even louder and cuter than the first time… then I remember daddy tugging THREE times and then that cute little Korean girl goes into a stance and goes “HAA!” She then proceeds to kick her father 8 different ways as he goes backwards … it was a real crowd pleaser.

So I figured I’d use the kid as my volunteer … in retrospect, not a good idea.

I yank her up … “Oh great, a volunteer!” I brashly state as I grab the cute little girl by the collar … I almost drag her onstage like I usually do … but instead of doing one of my regular bits with kids, I tug on her sleeve once and say “You want some money little girl? There is a pause where she looks up at me and her sparkling eyes say she understands … “No!” she cutely answers, right on cue. I then tug twice on her sleeve, “You want some Candy little girl?” … “NO!” she squeals cutely again … then, I do it … I tug three times … BIG mistake … little Korean angel goes into a stance and proceeds to kick me right in the solar plexus with a roundhouse kick … the wind was instantly knocked out of me … I couldn’t yell or speak … little angel wasn’t finished with me yet … she continued to kick me 7 more times … all different ways … all as I was reeling backwards.
That little kid might have weighed only 80 pounds or so but from the 1st kick to the last I was never in control … I eventually slammed into the back of the stage and fell right on my butt.

Someday I’m gonna find that little bitch and kick her ass.

[The Amazing Beaumanz]

Was doing a show at my regular pitch, Pier 60, on a packed Spring Break evening. As usual, I picked a beautiful woman out of the crowd to help me get up onto my Rolla Bolla table and hold my props.
Without looking, I asked her to place a prop in her left hand, which she did. Then I asked her to take the rest in her right hand, and she didn't. I then looked to see that this beaitiful girl had NO right hand!!! Without skipping a beat i finished the bit and she tiped me a $20.00

THAT was embarrassing!!