huge verbal vomit (PART 2).

[Peter Voice]

Is p.net a game to you, Rachel?

You seem to toy with subjects that can quite be serious to many of us and while I sort of sometimes enjoy your contributions, I have to wonder what your point of playing here is about.

Success, break-downs, loss of confidence, rebuilding, re-inventing, success and then doing it all again, including the next break-down, are par for the course to many/most of us.

Get over it because it is integral to our world, spending this much time on p.net means you are wasting time that you should be spending on yourself. Any genuine contribution you may have to street performance will only come from what you actually do, not from bored ramblings.

Try a month or two using what you've learned here and trust your judgement.

[Rachel Peters]

You guys are not a game to me, Peter.
(Understand that a lot of things in my life have elements of game to me. That's just a part of how I communicate. It doesn't come off nearly so strong in person, I don't think.)

I absolutely know that I came to this board FAR too strongly. I will always regret that. I can trace back to why I went a little stupid, but I won't go into detail. It was a horrible time of life and I was new to forums, and lots of other stuff. I will always regret that. It seriously deminished integrity I might have otherwise gained.
I'm actually amazed that Martin still wanted anything to do with our projects, since the most he knew of me was the yammering fool on pnet.
I hate that I started that way.
I didn't know anything about your lives when I started. It was really ignorant of me.
I'm the first to admit it.
I still post a lot. I know. ....I know I know.

I'm still not "better". It's not like I played with the idea of having some emotional breakdown and then just went on being giddy or something.
My problem is still there and I can't fix it.

I'd LOVE to try a month or two using what I've learned. ...that's just the thing. I've created a project that is stopping me. I love this project. I don't want to give it up. I don't always post about the skills I'm learning, and trying to prepair with. I dn't always post about the little shows I do. (only a couple so far, an d one coming up.) ...I just can't get out and DO this for REAL, until I know what's going to happen with my film. ...Otherwise I've ruined my film. I could rewrite it, but it's then no longer the story I wanted to tell.
Maybe I will have to trash it and just move on. But I haven't waited long enough yet.
I'm VERY frustrated. With myself. With what I've done - how I've built this. With how I've come across.
I hate looking like some sort of poser.
I fully realize that I'm not "one of you".
I've been doing promo artwork as a way to help out somehow.
I just can't move forward and fix this right now.
I'm more frustrated than anyone.

...I'm at work right now and have to run.

(Remember too that my jobs for the past year have revolved around computers. ...so I'm already hear, to type. I hate that, because if I'm already hear, all day, it's really hard to not post crap, just cuz. I'm trying to get either a classical job or a stop-mo, which will take me away from the machine for longer periods of time. I don't like this.)

gotta scoot real fast.

[jesus]

You guys

Is that anything like "You People"?

[Peter Voice]

Rachel, please don't let me (or any-one else here) discourage your participation here, your enthusiasm is terrific. I was not really expecting you to answer me (or any-one else here) as I was sort of asking you to get into yourself.

This really is an open forum and I don't think you have anything to regret, worry about (don't use those words) and you have not waded in here heavy handedly at all compared to some of us.

We all started some-where/somehow, and I know this is why Jim built this place.

Enjoy it, pls, until you find what you're looking for.

In the meantime can't you just find some-one you want to fuck and invite them to a lobster dinner? I do know you're Canadian but, gee, get over it girl.

[jesus]

And on the bright side your people did burn down the Whitehouse!

[Rachel Peters]

Originally posted by Peter Voice

In the meantime can't you just find some-one you want to fuck and invite them to a lobster dinner?

It's too bad I'm saving that for marriage.
...Lobster, I mean.

[Rachel Peters]

for what it's worth...

I wanted to give a brief update to my (what some had referred to as a "breakdown").
I decided to screw it. ...the film.
What I wanted out of this film, for myself, was a foot in the door of performance.
So........... why not just perform.
It stung like heck-and-back to drop something I had been working on for so long (nearly a year), but it wasn't worth it.
I'm trying to learn to not fling myself 379% into everything I love (because I love too much), and just chill and find opportunities when I can.
...It bothers me to do this (to not fling myself in completely), but I can't afford the energy.
It also bothers me to drop a project like this and I still keep looking for filmic opportunities to show case the brilliant cast. Maybe I'll get into music videos and they'll end up being chalked full of circus performers. ...one can only hope.

Anyway, I'm trying to have fun again, come what may. Not everything has to be a huge career success that ends up at the Oscars. I'm trying to learn this (not that anything of mine has ever ended up at the Oscars...yet.) Not everything has to be marketable.

yay. fun.

Sincerely, Ratchet C. Peters.

PS: Yes Hilb, I do realize there is no such thinga as 379%. I like it. Deal.