Is Martin gone?

[Barry]

martin, where at thou?

many have taken the bait, but not dear martin. sitting on a lonely mountain top, immersed in the daily meditation of evil. he stirs not, nor rises to the occasion of defending his own evil or lack thereof. i am curious. why does he not speak? is he too busy plotting the destruction of corner stores? is he too cool to say anything? or is he simply enjoying all of the attention?

martin, let us hear your voice! strike down the nasty dan!

[Mr.Taxi Trix]

From what I am given to understand, Mart has completed the filming for the re-release of the White Album, and accepted a brief but very highly paid position with the Transcontinental Subterranian Vaudeville Theater, currently appearing in places undisclosed, for an indeterminate duration. This being only heresay, I'm not prepared to back it up. The guy could be anywhere.

[Rachel Peters]

no, no...

I'm pretty sure I heard that he's at Disneyland. Not performing, just enjoying his time there. There are few lineups this time of year, and he likes riding through "It's a Small World" over and over. It's how he stores up his Lurk-esque cynicism. I'm pretty sure that's what I heard.

[Dan Holzman]

turning a new leaf

Since turning 44 a couple of days ago I have done a lot of soul searching. I realize now that I have not completely embraced my true buddha nature. My attacks on Martin were wrong, and his absence from this forum is completely my fault, and my fault alone. I would like to apologize to anyone I have offended, insulted or slandered on this site. I would also like to say that if I have ever borrowed money from anyone here during an alcoholic blackout I will do my best to repay you after I have taken care of some old legal fees and unpaid child support payments.
To show how completely I have changed my tune from rap to easy listening, I would like to list a few positive things in the world that I believe Martin should be given credit for either inventing or enhancing.

1) The new car smell

2) The fact that turkey bacon is just as tasty as regular bacon, even though it's much better for you.

3) Rainbows

4) The cuteness of Dachshund puppies.

Happy New Year.
Dan

[Cybele]

Martin IS in fact gone.

I find evidence of his absence behind the sofa and beneath the coffee table.

He may someday return.

Hope springs eternal in the heart of mime.

[Peter Voice]

Last I heard, he was touring with John Titor.

[Rachel Peters]

hiding behind the sofa.

[Rachel Peters]

"What'd you do on New Year's Eve, Rachel?"
"Oh, I don't know... Took pictures of chopsticks."

[martin ewen]

happy new year 2

So in the spirit of collective camaraderie and everyone walking a mile in each others scuffed farmboots I dove into my prop-bag where I keep arts admin, performance and sado masochistic props , emerging with a stapler which I used to staple everyone but the birthday boys (who didn’t have one) upper lips to the base of their noses. I then improvised a show that consisted of prat falling while attempting to comically mop up their collective spittle and drown their cries for help playing Ramones at volume from my PA.
On reflection (and I’ve had time to reflect) I might have been a little too sophisticated for this particular audience. As Gustav the clown who I consider a mentor once told me, “your primary responsibility in life as well as performance is to keep yourself entertained.”
So the doors were locked which is the custom at these venues apparently but one of the tykes managed somehow to throw a wooden wheelbarrow through a window and escape and next thing you know the doors burst open and a scrum of surly looking parents and elders rushed in and with needle nose pliers undid all my good work before forming what i could only call a threatening circle about me.
It was at this point the hairlipped birthday boy let out a silken peal of laughter, everyone stopped and stared. I had been warned on arrival that along with the lip and the involuntary violent bowing and the missing ear and the club foot that little Sylvester had never uttered a sound.
I tried to remain humble, I waited for them to work out for themselves what a profound clown they had had the privilege of bartering services with but instead they picked me up and roughly bundled me into a windowless room that smelt vaguely of goat vomit.
I was stuck in that room for 6 days, they would bring be in a preserve jar every day full of marinated yoghurt cheese balls. I feared the worst. I thought I was being kept as breeding stock but in a strategy worthy of a magyver episode I escaped. I retained 6 days worth of cheesy flatulence and using a flint I ignited it and blew the door off its hinges and hightailed it .
I’m home now and trying to catch up with the parts of my life I’ve missed. As far as P.net’s concerned not much really. Same old same old.

Oh but not to leave you disappointed I guess I’ll have to insult someone. Dan it looks like you’ve come full circle. Welcome, hope the new years good for you and you can indeed find a way to be useful.

(scans...............)
Zoobie
Given that you spent 20 years slithering round the globe playing other peoples songs on street corners (and are gormless enough to be proud of it) and have since gone on to be a sort of webpimp for a nausea inducing site entirely full of other peoples material (and are gormless enough to be proud of it) in the cut and paste spirit by which you define yourself here are the lyrics of a song by John Cooper Clarke as I would consider myself soiled to spend any energy insulting you directly.
Like a nightclub in the morning...Your the bitter end.
Like a recently disinfected shithouse..your clean round the bend.
You give me the horrors..Too bad to be true.
All of my tomorrows are lousy cos of you.
You put the shat in shatter
You put the pain in Spain
Your germs are splattered about your face its just a stain.
Your certainly no raver.
Commonly known as a drag.
Do us all a favour, here wear this polythyne bag.
Your like a dose of scabies.
I’ve got you under my skin.
You make life a fairytale
Grimm.
People mention murder.
The moment you arrive.
I’d consider killing you if I thought you were alive.
You’ve got this slippery quality.
It makes me think of phlegm.
And a dual personality.
I hate both of them.
Your bad breath vamps disease distruction and decay.
Please please please please take yourself away.
Like a death at a birthday party
You ruin all the fun.
Like a sucked and spat out smarty your no use to anyone.
like the shadow of the guillotine on a dead consumptives face
Speaking as an outsider, what do ya think of the human race?
You went to a progressive psychiatrist
He recommended suicide
before scratching your bad name off his list and pointing the way outside.
You hear laughter breaking though it makes you want to fart.
Your heading for a breakdown better pull yourself apart.
Your dirty name gets passed around when something goes amiss
your attitudes, platitudes just make me want to piss.
What kind of creature bore you?
Was it some kind of bat?
They can’t find a good word for you
but I can
Twat.


HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE

[martin ewen]

happy new year 1

Well what a week it’s been, seems I’ve missed all the gratuitous to-ing and fro-ing regarding my worth as a sort of content condom for Dans threatened potential helpfulness.
I’ve learnt so much by digesting this thread all in one sitting.
I’ve learnt that the devil does indeed provide work for idle hands to do.
I’ve learnt that Steven Regatz not only has me on his ignore list but is prepared to help those dimmer than himself do the same thing by way of meticulous instructions.
[yes you know who you are...both of you](Ha! hi steven, couldn’t help yourself could you.)
I’ve learnt that Dan is desperate for intercourse (and why shouldn’t he be I ask myself- just as ‘Why should I be? ‘ ,he asks himself.)
I’ve learnt that hiding empty bottles and other lubricants under furniture and behind things is only a short term solution. (Thanks Cybele)
But folks a sense of perspective is important.
Normally your piddling little social needs and your gnat like attempts to gain my attention via saccharine sarcasm would have me rushing to the keyboard to dispense jolts from my supercharged literary cattle prod such that two thirds of your quivering psyche would be covered in steaming blue bruises and you could stagger away satisfied till next holiday season and really, I mean this, it would be my pleasure. But it just wasn’t possible.

The latest adventure I have today extradited myself from and the reason I was not able to insult those of you so desperate for my attention was that on the day before Christmas I did a charity gig, a birthday party for a 7 year old at a Mennonite compound in upper state NY. They were going to pay me in maple syrup and a sideboard for the bathroom. These people dress funny and tend to conceive via second hand bathwater a little more frequently than average but they are pacifists and hard workers and gosh darn it clown is universal.
So there I was in a bare hall with 20 children with overdeveloped biceps and badly set limbs after farm related fractures when I noticed the birthday boy had a harelip. I know how it feels to be shunned by your peers simply because you look funny and slur when you talk and wet the bed. (I don’t drink nearly as much as I used to)

--(cont next post down due to over 1000 word limit)--

[Rachel Peters]

welcome home.

[Steven Ragatz]

I’ve learnt that Steven Regatz not only has me on his ignore list but is prepared to help those dimmer than himself do the same thing by way of meticulous instructions.

No, I took you off my ignore list a while ago. I come from an old school Unix background where my dot-killfile was the most useful tool, so any online ignore feature is welcomed. But Cybele insists that you're too much fun to ignore. Who am I to pass judgment without knowing first hand? She's more of a "people person" than I, and I have to trust her judgment.

I don't pick up on which threads are make-believe sometimes. I gravitate to the serious discussion threads most often and don't often go in for the silly stuff. Someone said it had something to do with my head and my arse, but I didn't follow the rest of the post too closely after I read that part I was just trying to help Dan since he (initially) sounded serious about it (Lord knows why.)

Steven Ragatz