fucking customs!

[le pire]

I'm doing a few comedy clubs in Quebec & customs gave me a HUGE grilling.

Here's my story... I have an OK car-- a 2000 Saturn. I live in Boston now, where car insurance is SKY HIGH, so I never changed over my drivers license from bumfuck nowhere Maryland and I tell the insurance company that I've had since I was 16 I still live with my parents. They probably think I'm the biggest loser on the planet, and I couldn't care less because I'm saving about $2000.

See, I really hate insurance companies. It's as if you're saying to them "I bet I'm gonna fuck up my car and KILL someone and destroy a lot of property." And they're saying "We bet you won't." And then you hedge your bets. Anyway..

My fiancees parent's were retiring their 1986 volvo station wagon so I said "I'll take it!" and I have my Saturn stored away until I drive this tank into the ground (and believe me I'm trying).

So I pull up to the Canadian border and tell them I live in Boston, but have a Maryland driver's license, and am driving a car not registered in my name with New Hampshire license plates. Can you say "fucked?"

They ask what I do for a living and I tell them I'm a comedian, which now makes me more suspicious than ever. They ask if I will be working, and I of course lie and say "Non, messieur. Je vais juste visiter quelques amis." It's a really weird conversation between me and the customs officer. He alternately asks me questions in French and English and I respond in the language he asks. It's really annoying because I'm just like PICK A FRIGGING LANGUANGE!!!

He asks me again and again if I've ever been charged with a crime and I say "no." "non."and "no."

He goes away for a long time and then comes back and then asks again "have you ever been charged with a crime?"

I say "no."

He says "On sait tout." ("we know everything")

I look him in the eye and say "non."
Il dit "dix-neuf cent quatre vignt dix. On sait tout." (he says 1990, we know everything)

My jaw just drops. Ok, when I was a kid I got arrested for something really stupid (but REALLY cool). They just threw it out at court because I was an honors student and could tell that I was just trying to be cool.

I say "mais ils ont vire les charges!" (but they threw it out!) and he said "yes, but vous m'avez menti." (oui mais, you lied to me.)

Now I'm really confused as to which language to respond in because he just mixed it all up.

So I say "Il y a un grande difference between charged and culpable" (I mix up the languages too).

He asks when I'm working again and I truthfully tell him that I have a couple of private gigs next week, to which he responds "well why isn't that on your website?"

Now, I never gave this fucker my web address and I haven't gotten around to making the site "google" friendly so I'm wondering how he found it and now I'm just happy I haven't gotten around to updating the "schedule" page because I would have put my Canadian date on there (and then be caught in another lie). He sees the shock on my face and smirks and says "on sait tout."

Two guys come out and search my car and the first guy comes back and says "we called the people who you're staying with and they say you're French." So I pull out my French passport and he says "Pourquoi vous m'avez pas juste montrez CA d'abord?" (why didn't you show me this in the first place?)

and I say "because I thought it would be suspicious." and he smiles at me and says "c'est bon. Bienvenue a Quebec."



etienne

[RavenMad]

Man, I know that must have sucked the big pink mint for you, but you have made my otherwise dreary morning much better. I'm still laughing.

Mark

[Mr.Taxi Trix]

What were you arrested for, Etienne? Let's let 1990 out into the fresh air, here.

I what may have been the dumbest move in an entire month for me a few years back, I went up to do a show for the Silly People, and forgot to bring my daughter's passport. This was in itself not a bad thing, but the fact that I had remembered to bring my daughter made it a little rough at customs. Awkward.

Sitting with her in the little building, I watched as she looked over the walls, which were decorated with various photos of missing children, and pondered my fate. Were it not for the kindness of women, namely Celia, Martin's wife and my neighbor, who dropped everything to fax up a tax return with Sam's ss # as a dependant, and the customs lady, who was intuitive and knew we were ok, the Silly Show would have had to feature Phil dropping his pants (again) for the headliner. Canada would have suffered.

[Barry]

me too,
tres, tres funny

[Lynneski]

Ben, Etienne. T'etait le victime du "Franglais" - une langue terrible. C'est mal, la, mais j'ai une chum qui parle comme ca toujours. Elle saute l'une a l'autre, un mot d'English, quelques d'autres en Quebecois. C'est un crime, la.

Karl's not the only one with a Silly border crossing - how bout that one that saw Jewels cross into Canada, and Torres right behind her. Torres gets stopped, stuck on the 'Merken side, not allowed into Canada without a contract to work. Jewels, with her ticket to fly from Toronto, no longer allowed back into the States. Both, of course, had arrived in the same car and intended to go to the same Silly destination.

Faxes saved the day there, too. Well, after more than a few hours. But still.

[Julia]

Well, yeah, I also almost got sent to prison, before getting deported, then managed to make them feel sorry for me (with Robs help) then 8 hours later they let us go . However got a 10 year ban for entering the states, ( the problem was that i overstayed my visa due to odd mariage circumstances which is why i was goin to Canada by car) .

So this was over 2 and a half years ago. potentially i should be able to get a visa to go to the states, but first i have to write a letter of appology to the government of the united states of america, proove to them that i am out of the country, then aply for a visa. this letter needs to be handed in in person, the sad thing is that the american embassy here in germany doesn"t make appointments, one can literally not get as far as the guards. so there. still trying to figure that one out...

This apologising thing makes me feel wrong with the current government in the US. but that is an entirely different chapter...

P.S Berlin rocks!

Love to all.

Jewels

[le pire]