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Toilet seats and super glue
At school, myself, Keiran Pennells adn Andrew Maubey were the three mischevious clowns who never really did enough to get into serious trouble, but enough to make the hard bastards laugh.
Well one day Keiran and Andrew hit upon a scheme which they knew I would never go along with. I was the worlds first politically correct practical joker. I would analyse the hell out of jokes and we wouldn't do one until we were convinced that everyone including the victim would laugh.
Well this one was so bloody funny they weren't going to let me in on it. I would have ruined it.
I wish they had, because by odds of 867 to one, I was the person who sat on the toilet seat to which they had applied Super Glue.
I had no idea. I took a dump and then just couldn't get off the toilet.
It was bizarre, I thought maybe I'd paralysed my legs or something, but I couldn't get up.
Then the bell went for class and I just sat there puzzled and waited and hoped for my legs to just move.
Well then I realised I could kick my legs so I thought it must be my back or something.
After a whole hour, the lesson ended and everyone returned into the toilets and I could hear Andrew and Keiran laughing their heads off about something.
During the 2nd lesson Andrew came back to the toilets. I recognised his voice and having no idea that he was behind my dilema I called out to him. He was alone and I needn't feel embarrassed.
"I'm Stuck" I confided. "Go and Get Mr Trainer."
I deliberately asked for Mr Trainer. He was a sensitive teacher, the sort who wore and Cordroy Jacket with leather patches on the elbow.
The bastard didn't come back with Mr Trainer. He came back with Mrs Singer. Mrs Singer was a failed opera Valkyrie, she was big, she had lungs that could inflate a Zeppelin and her family were all obviously natural born singers.
She wasn't what you wanted when you were stuck to a loo.
She asked me to open the door, but I could not reach the lock. So she pulled her enourmous weight up and peered over the cubicle, which rocked and creaked and groaned.
So she saw I was stuck, talked to me at some length and then went off to call the Fire Brigade.
Then she came back to keep me company and to raise my morale by singing to me.
She sang (I swear this is true) "A few of my favorite things" from The Sound of Music.
Finally, after singing something from West Side Story (I told her I prefered that particular musical - I shouldn't have I know) and I knew I was a Jet and that everything was free in America (thankfully I never mentioned Gilbert & Sullivan) the Fire Brigade arrived.
Well a fireman climbed over, kicked me in the face as he lowered himself into the cubicle, managed to unlock the door, but with two of us in there and the door opened inwards found himself just as stuck as I was and he couldn't climb out without standing on me and almost breaking my legs in the process.
Which is what he did.
Eventually they removed the toilet seat fromthe toilet and then carted me off to hospital with my trousers round my knees and a black plastic toilet seat glued firmly to the back of my legs. I walked through the school with a blanket wrapped around me but this didn't hide the trousers round my ankles which everyone could see....
At the hospital I was left in a cubicle for hours. My mum eventually joined me. Finally I was made to kneel up with my rear end facing a Sister and a Doctor. Then some stupid nurse pulled the curtain back so the whole casualty department could see me with my arse to the world (and I hadn't even had a chance to wipe it.)
They Cut away all of the plastic that wasn't stuck to my skin so I ended up with 7 bits of loo seat stuck to me legs for the next two days. It came off naturally.
I swore that I was never EVER going back to that school. I demanded Boarding school, I demanded grammar school, home lessons. I wasn't going back.
Well when I went back it was great. I was the centre of attention.
I got more cred than Andrew or Keiran who didn't confess until I was 30 years of age for fear of expulsion.
Well one day Keiran and Andrew hit upon a scheme which they knew I would never go along with. I was the worlds first politically correct practical joker. I would analyse the hell out of jokes and we wouldn't do one until we were convinced that everyone including the victim would laugh.
Well this one was so bloody funny they weren't going to let me in on it. I would have ruined it.
I wish they had, because by odds of 867 to one, I was the person who sat on the toilet seat to which they had applied Super Glue.
I had no idea. I took a dump and then just couldn't get off the toilet.
It was bizarre, I thought maybe I'd paralysed my legs or something, but I couldn't get up.
Then the bell went for class and I just sat there puzzled and waited and hoped for my legs to just move.
Well then I realised I could kick my legs so I thought it must be my back or something.
After a whole hour, the lesson ended and everyone returned into the toilets and I could hear Andrew and Keiran laughing their heads off about something.
During the 2nd lesson Andrew came back to the toilets. I recognised his voice and having no idea that he was behind my dilema I called out to him. He was alone and I needn't feel embarrassed.
"I'm Stuck" I confided. "Go and Get Mr Trainer."
I deliberately asked for Mr Trainer. He was a sensitive teacher, the sort who wore and Cordroy Jacket with leather patches on the elbow.
The bastard didn't come back with Mr Trainer. He came back with Mrs Singer. Mrs Singer was a failed opera Valkyrie, she was big, she had lungs that could inflate a Zeppelin and her family were all obviously natural born singers.
She wasn't what you wanted when you were stuck to a loo.
She asked me to open the door, but I could not reach the lock. So she pulled her enourmous weight up and peered over the cubicle, which rocked and creaked and groaned.
So she saw I was stuck, talked to me at some length and then went off to call the Fire Brigade.
Then she came back to keep me company and to raise my morale by singing to me.
She sang (I swear this is true) "A few of my favorite things" from The Sound of Music.
Finally, after singing something from West Side Story (I told her I prefered that particular musical - I shouldn't have I know) and I knew I was a Jet and that everything was free in America (thankfully I never mentioned Gilbert & Sullivan) the Fire Brigade arrived.
Well a fireman climbed over, kicked me in the face as he lowered himself into the cubicle, managed to unlock the door, but with two of us in there and the door opened inwards found himself just as stuck as I was and he couldn't climb out without standing on me and almost breaking my legs in the process.
Which is what he did.
Eventually they removed the toilet seat fromthe toilet and then carted me off to hospital with my trousers round my knees and a black plastic toilet seat glued firmly to the back of my legs. I walked through the school with a blanket wrapped around me but this didn't hide the trousers round my ankles which everyone could see....
At the hospital I was left in a cubicle for hours. My mum eventually joined me. Finally I was made to kneel up with my rear end facing a Sister and a Doctor. Then some stupid nurse pulled the curtain back so the whole casualty department could see me with my arse to the world (and I hadn't even had a chance to wipe it.)
They Cut away all of the plastic that wasn't stuck to my skin so I ended up with 7 bits of loo seat stuck to me legs for the next two days. It came off naturally.
I swore that I was never EVER going back to that school. I demanded Boarding school, I demanded grammar school, home lessons. I wasn't going back.
Well when I went back it was great. I was the centre of attention.
I got more cred than Andrew or Keiran who didn't confess until I was 30 years of age for fear of expulsion.
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