overpasses and soiled underpants

[jester]

I leapt off the tallest point of the overpass in Salisbury in 1983. It is only about 30ft high and I more lowered myself by my arms and then dropped and rolled out of the fall onto the footpath below. Much to the surprise of many passing pedestrians.

Why? I can't remember. I had trained to do a parachute jump for charity and I was a very agile person. I think I had something to prove, you see I actually bottled out of the parachute jump and went around collecting the sponsorhip anyway. Everybody paid up so that's okay. Anyway, I was in a hurry and this was a really good short cut. And in a rash moment I lowered myself over the side and dropped.

I broke a bone in my foot. But I didn't get it seen to until the following day, so I did save myself some time and got to wherever I was going.

I was hit by lightening in 1992. Well actually, the building was struck by lightening, I was leaning against the lightening rod smoking a cigarette. Luckily it was a "spider system" dispersing the lightening in many different directions and acting like a giant fuse. The fuse in the bit I was on burnt out before I did. However, it bloody hurt and there were side effects.

In 1976, on my 12th birthday I picked up a brass lamp and somehow as I moved it, the case became live. I didn't jump. I was paralysed, every muscle in my body was paralysed except my brain.

My heart was paralysed, it literally stopped and that really hurt. Every muscle in my body pulled at maximum force locking me totally rigid. And all the while I was thinking and I thought I was gonna die. And I thought this is a silly way to die.

Luckily my cousin unplugged the lamp. Now that made me jump. Every muscle in my body spasmed and I was thrown across the room and I lived to go to hospital and have all the skin that had burnt off my hand replaced with skin from my arse. I can kiss my own arse cheeks now. The bones in my fingers healed bent.

While I was in hospital there was a girl of about 7 there who had done the same thing with the same kind of lamp, but she had jumped. In fact the cheeks of her buttocks had clenched so tightly she had hit the ceiling from a sitting position and cracked her skull so she had burns and head injury.

Now this bit is dedicated to Dr Eric. You'll love this:

In 1998 (when I was old and ugly enough to know better) I got onto a pair of wooden 4ft pegs. I realised that wasn't wearing my knee pads and decided that I couldn't be bothered to get down, go back to the van and all that. So I carried on. Well, later on I tripped on something, and not wearing pads I decided I didn't want to fall so I tried to fight the fall. I tried to run out of the topple and straighten up.

Actually all I did was make the fall worse. I was hell bent on not landing on my knees and fell forwards, while sprinting (I was 9ft 10 high) and fell onto my wrists, which gave way really feebly and my jaw hit the concrete, and I felt it click as it dislocated.

Stunned I lay on the floor as horrified onlookers rushed around. A woman kept stroking my head and I could see a pool of blood which I knew was coming from my ears. I could move my lips, but not my jaw so I could speak like a bad ventriloquist. So I waved and smiled to the distressed kids and got someone to pass around my blood stained hat.

All the kids got to see a real ambulance as they came and cut away my stilt trousers put me on a stretcher and carted me off.

Now if you think a dislocated jaw is painful, that's nothing compared to having a physiotherapist put it back into it's place. This happens a couple of hours afterwards, just as your bodies natural endorphines and pain killers are wearing off and spent. It's not as quick, and it is very painful.

So there you go Dr Eric. I have tried to fulfill your wishes, but I'm still here.

[Butterfly Man]

Unfuckinbelievable!!!

That is one amazing story ... kinda beats the pants off of Martin's fan dance ... I had no idea who I was not quite listening to ... incredible you survived all that and are still cognizant that other people couldn't care less ... I for one, however, will definitely read whatever crap you write from now on.

Kinda gives a whole new meaning to "pull my finger", don't it?

[Doctor Eric]

Yer a regular Rasputin, Jester, minus the sex-appeal and hero worship. And, of course, the fact that none of those situations was actually life-threatening.

Contrary to what you might think, my favorite part is the 7-year old girl, that's funny.

On a related note, RJ Owens (a magician around these here parts), was just recently making himself a sandwich (no surprise, judging by the size of him, many a sandwich has fallen in his path), and dropped a piece of food on the kitchen floor, which the dogs that live with him started to fight for. RJ attempts to get them away from it with his foot, meanwhile he is still wielding a large butcher knife, which somehow cuts off a reported 3/8 of an inch of his finger. Ouch. The funny part is the fingertip hit the floor too, and you can probably guess the ending. RJ now lives in fear of his roomate's dog (the one who actually devoured the digit), he is convinced that it now has a taste for his blood, and sleeps with his door locked.

[jester]

Electrocution not life threatening?

Electrocution may not be life threatening to you Doctor Eric but I can assure you it is to us mere mortals.

[Doctor Eric]

I was hoping this thread would take off...

Actually, it's really tough to be electrocuted to death, even by lightning, go ahead, click here.

Another related note. Once while being taught to weld by a heroin addict, I had the stick from a 220 Arcwelder accidentally drug across my forehead. That was kinda funny. Actually, I've been electrocuted quite a few times, usally as a result of doing something ridiculously stupid...

Another friend of mine holds the world record for tansmitting the most voltage through her body (She sits on a Tesla coil and shoots 7 foot lightning bolts off of her fingertips, it's neat). Once when she was doing the stunt, she was wearing a new wig (she's the kinda lady that makes "Priscilla-Queen of the Desert" feel underdressed), and didn't realize that the piece still had some pins in it. Once the stunt comenced, the pins started arcing to her scalp, and comtinued to for about forty five seconds, she lost all of her hair for 6 months, and burnt the !@#? out of her scalp, and looking like a troll in chemotherapy is a real bummer when you live in North Hollywood.

I really want to hear more stories of stupid, possibly life-threatening accidents!

Cough em up!

[Peter Voice]

I think the time an enraged bull elephant raped my minibus in Wilpattu National park (Sri Lanka) and then rolled us down into a ravine might qualify here but it's a long story and I was only driving. Andrea was sitting in the back seat.

[Butterfly Man]

Lucky

Jesus! Uh, well, I uh, broke my collerbone one time (ok, it was when I was born) ... and uh, I got a rash when I used a towel that belonged to Alex Dandridge once ... shit, that's as close to anything bad that's ever happened to me.

P.S. you all might consider euthanasia.

[martin ewen]

on short notice

While i was in Spain (mostly Granada) this year I lived in the midst of the 'punk/anarchist' set.
They eat recycled food that they collect daily from various restaurants and as such have to cook big meals daily before everything spoils. Quite disciplined really, the drugs hardly slow them down at all.
They squat buildings and also live in caves in the hills behind the city and they are the resourceful Kings of scavenge.
They like nothing better than when some utilitarian building is vacated and clean it out like maggots on a flesh wound.
The people I stayed with told me of one of their number who they were still visiting in hospital.
Some army installation had been abandoned and so the punks nightime raids began.
They found a large underground fuel storage tank and the punk in charge of that side of the operation worked out that there was no pump left to get at it so they would trace the piping back to closer to the source and sever it and pump it out manually themselves.
diesel is far less explosive than petrol, the fumes are not as volatile (or not volatile at all...something like that)
This Guy convinced himself the tank (V.large) contained diesel not petrol and went to work with his welder to breach the pipeline close to the buried tank.
Result: VERY large explosion from beneath his feet (Which were fairly widely planted)
Apparently he was blown about 20 meters straight up and landed closeby in the rubble.
He had a variety of fractures and spectacular burns focused on his lower torso. It was unfortunately petrol( BUZZ-Wrong. Next contestant)
(Imagine a small jet engine erupting as you straddled it)
I suspected that with all that time in hospital and access to a computer it would thankfully be only a matter of time before he could link up with a crispy meat fetishist.

[jester]

It might be tough to be electrocuted, but we are a tough and determined species, thousands of people manage it every year.

I'm glad you put that link up though. I think electrocution is not at all humane having experienced it.

Now Peter Voice.. Tell us the story about the elephant and the mini bus.

[Stretch]

OK, I'll bite . . .

WHY?!

"While i was in Spain (mostly Granada) this year I lived in the midst of the 'punk/anarchist' set."

[Peter Voice]

I think it was '81 and I'd been living/based in Sri Lanka for a couple of years. 2 friends (Otto and Anne)and I had leased an old beach-side guest house, fixed it up and built a little restaurant, at Hikkaduwa in the southwest. At first the place was almost unknown but the incredible surf beach became it's undoing. The town went from a village with half a dozen little guest houses, maybe 4 restaurants and a small market, to a 3 mile long roadside market with 60 odd guest houses, as many restaurants and five 4 & 5-star resorts (inc. Club Med) within 4 years. In the fourth year the country erupted in civil war.

It was pretty primitive when we first got there but our foreign currency bought a lot and as we travelled a lot we brought everything we needed in Singapore and imported it. This was in another life of mine before I discovered street performance and I was making good $US writing and illustrating as a freelance correspondent (this would actually lead to the single most life threatening episode in my, thankfully longer, life). Life was good there. At the time hashish was legal and the best Karela was 6 cents a gram ($2 an oz for americans), our restaurant could serve a 3lb mud-crab or lobster with salad and chips for 6 bucks and we had masses of duty-free spirits. The local beer was also good.

Amongst the things we bought was 17-seat Toyota Bus as we were 240k from the airport and it gave us the added advantage of tours and stuff. It was usually driven by Otto or Micheal, a very likeable local character and 4-day tours to Wilpattu National Park soon became a popular, regular thing.

I usually only spent a couple of weeks every month or so there as editors were more interested in Cambodia, Laos etc. and so the other guys actually ran the place. Being such a remote part of the world we had few visitors from home but in April, 5 friends of Otto's were coming from Germany and 3 friends of Annie and mine from Australia. A trip to Wilpattu was planned.

We took Micheal with us, but Otto and I would drive. Also onboard was Anne (Aust), her (Ger) boyfriend Wolfgang, sister Robyn, my friend Annie (Fr), David (Aust), Brigitte and the unfortunate Andrea, both from Germany.

The journey from Hikkaduwa to Adam's Peak then Kandy to Wilpattu via the staggering ruins of Sirigirya and Anurhadpura was fabulous but largely uneventful.

To be continued........

[martin ewen]

Because I admire stateless soldier ants

re stretch's ....WHY?

Well its a long story.

..........to be continued.

[Peter Voice]

Pachydermal Rape Pt. 2

We arrived at Wilpattu on the evening of Day 2 just in time to enter the compound before dusk. The park is famous for it's wild elephants, mobs of monkeys, incredible birds and, if you are lucky, leopards and even tigers. It can be a very dangerous place and, surprisingly, the mobs of monkeys, macaques and langurs, were by far the most dangerous. The parks gates were locked at sunset and all guests had to be safely in the compound until dawn except for the guided night tour in the Rangers' vehicles.

It was an incredible sunset, we consumed copious quantities of good local food, cold beer, the afore-mentioned Karella and some reasonably flammable liquids. We did the night tour and whilst we didn't see a leopard or tiger, we did see a huge python that amazed even our guides. We also saw a big cobra and a couple of other snakes.

Now, at this point, I should tell you a little more about our guests. Dave (29) was an old school friend who'd become an accountant. His greatest quality was as a conversationalist but in all other things he was as boring as a door-nob. This was his first trip out of his home state and it was only his inordinate love of hashish that convinced him to come and visit. Annie (22) was very much the "Parisian Girl" who I was later to find out was filthy rich. Anne's (Otto and my partner) boyfriend Wolfgang (31) was a car salesmen from a beautiful German town call Delmenhorst and her sister, Robyn (23), was a total wallflower from Melbourne. Brigitte was the owner of a small but successful German fashion label looking for Indian and Sri Lankan cloth. Andrea was a petite blonde who was the heir to one of Germany's most historic hotels.
She was the only child of the family that have owned the "Vor De Linde" and the surrounding forest (near Hamburg) for over 400 years. At 29 she had already achieved a 4 star Michelen rating as a chef and the exalted German title of Kellermeister. So as you might deduce, our guests were better suited to chic cafes on trendy promenades than the wilder places of Sri Lanka. The snakes caused no end of anxiety and all the noises kept some people up most of the night.

By the time we rose the next morning the compound was nearly empty and several of our party were feeling quite second-hand especially Andrea. A breakfast of mango, passionfruit and yogurt got most of us fired up and we set off to explore the park.

There are only two roads in the park that you are allowed explore in your own vehicle so we flipped coins and I got to drive the first road. We got the ranger's lecture about not leaving the road, the risks of leaving the vehicle and that it was elephant mating season so do not disturb them. Micheal sat beside me as guide and Andrea went to sleep across the back seat after making us promise to wake her up for any-thing exciting. Brigitte and Dave took the next seats closest the rear. We left at about 10am.

It was staggeringly beautiful, we saw monkeys, antelope, birds, lizards and more but every-time we tried to wake Andrea she just rolled over and went back to sleep, we gave up.

About two thirds of the way around the loop road we came round a narrow bend that was following a partly dry creek and encountered a small group of elephants. Following Micheal's instructions I immediately stopped and turned off the engine (mistake #1). The elephants looked at us curiously and a couple more emerged from the other side of the creek behind us. We tried again to wake Andrea but after a vague glimpse out the window she went back to sleep.

Finally, the bull emerged from the bush and approached us curiously. I was seriously nervous but Micheal said if we all stayed quiet nothing would happen. The bull approached the rear of the bus and started sniffing around. It was only about five feet away. Brigitte had been trying again to wake Andrea so she could see this. The rest off the herd was in front of us.

Andrea drearly sat up and looked out the window at the elephant that was looking in the window. Despite her self inflicted malaise that morning, I had noted how good she always looked, especially in that little red top. The elephant suddenly changed attitude. I think it may have got a confused visual signal.

To be continued ......

[Butterfly Man]

coincidence?

"the only child of the family that have owned the "Vor De Linde" and the surrounding forest (near Hamburg) ..."


My mother was born in Hamburg ... all of her mother's side of the family was from this area ... she escaped Germany when she was 6 ... she grew up very poor in Manhattan ... she was with me in 1965 when a Clyde Beatty Cole Bros. Circus tent collapsed (Ithaca, NY) on us as the elephants exited ... neither of us were hurt ... but 250 others were ... in the ensuing chaos many children were trampled by the elephants and adults.


Things that make you go hmmmmm ...

... keep going Peter, you've got me on the edge of my seat!

[jester]

I thought you said nothing happened to you. Being in a collapsed circus tent full of rampaging elephants sounds pretty exciting to me, even Dr Eric would admit the life threatening possibilities of the situation.