Where have all the flowers gone?

[martin ewen]

Next tuesday i will have the first of a series of appointments that will culminate in me being neutered, that is, the door of my spermoza's bedroom will be locked forever and they will be left to talk among themselves and dream of what could have been before being absorbed back into my body to become something more useful...like phlegm.
I am going to write a short story (which for me means thousands of words in really long sentences)
Which I will then self publish and sell.
I realise that its a little like shutting the barn door after the donkeys dead and the doors all thats left of the barn but the idea of starting a writing venture by whoring out tales of my impotent sac is, I think, an astute stroke of genius.
I will use spellcheck and it will have a printed cover and everything.
Its a must for xmas.

[Lynneski]

And if you call now we'll send a free set of Ginsu knives ...

Every copy sold comes with a bag of half-thawed mushy peas and a pair of XL cotton boxer shorts.

[Mr.Taxi Trix]

Brilliant! Put me down for ten copies, and I will request the bulk discount on that.
As soon as you're ready, I know an editor.

[$cottbox]

Aw, dont do it, dont do it. Why go through all th pain and trouble? Just leave her be and double up on yur jimmeys if thats all it is. But you shouldn't sacrifice yurself to the woman, just talk it over and deal with this in another manner, It can be done, its sorta sad like puttin down a pet or something.

[worldwidese]

What the world needs now...

Martin, we hope you're gonna have some sperm left somewhere in a sperm bank first!

After all, you're semi brilliant, and who knows, a child of yours might turn out to be full blown brilliant and discover a means for the rest of us to become....

[martin ewen]

another one bites the dust

Way ahead of you, I have 4 soiled hankies in a safe deposit box.
I think I know what you mean by semi brilliant.

[Peter Voice]

Please, Martin, forget about the safety deposit box.

Your DNA has been found on pillows and couches in thousands of locations throughout the world and we have collected it for the sake of humanity.

We are cloning thousands of semi-geniuses as fast we can find part-time surrogate mothers who are prepared to get sort-of pregnant to the zygots extracted from your dribble, scalp wounds and other body-fluid leaks.

Some of the stuff in those sleeping-bags-with-legs will be hard enough to explain to some of these bright young people in 20 years time, without the contents of your safety deposit box becoming known.

[worldwidese]

Martin's Intellect

Martin has gone from being semi brilliant to semi genius in one easy step because of the contents of his safety box. Maybe he should get a bigger box and see what happens?

[scot]

having the option of unleashed sexcapades doesn't make you an instant ladies' man. Evan can tell you how it's done without puttin a double windsor on the boys. He also has a book: "I can fertilize 50 eggs"

[martin ewen]

Hi my names martin and I'm infertile, shall we dance.

Scot scot scot, were you born holding the wrong end of the stick? How long have you been embedded in nihon hell now? You must be strong, gambate ne, you must resist the cheeze monster.
Genki's all very well but outside of Japan that rictus grin will leave your audience vaguely uncomfortable and uncommitted and they will only watch you in the hope that your cheerful psychosis erupts into something altogether darker and more digestable.
Leash can mean many things scot, I happen to be happily restrained by a gilded leash at present and its very comfortable indeed.
I'm sure Evan has much to teach me about being a ladies man although alakazam would be my sensai if I were to commit to a mojo dojo.

[scot]

Sometimes the subject line is better than the whole post

tadashi.

My rictus doesn't display "joy", but a vacancy sign glowing above my desire. The desk clerk waits and hopes for a late check in. The rooms are clean and lonely waiting. It's been a few nights since Mrs. Romanticinterest checked out. Right after Dr. Culturaldiversity packed and left with Freshart. Alas, I know, when the tourist season ends, this hotel will be booming again and the showers will need cleaned.

[Lynneski]

Just -please- change the sheets between guests.

[Evan Young]

Originally posted by scot
He also has a book: "I can fertilize 50 eggs"

It's more like "I just spent $50 to not fertalize last nights egg"

[Mr.Taxi Trix]

I think "nights" gets an apostrophy there, Evan. Thanks for all your help in Boulder this summer.


Well Mart, how did it go? Did they shrink to the size of bowling balls in fear at the news?

[martin ewen]

(excerpt)
I arrived at the abattoir for my 3-30 appointment, the waiting room was scattered with elderly gentlemen who’s entire bodies, either because of advanced years or some mysterious proctological condition, had taken on the consistency and texture of scrotal skin.
Every time the outside door was opened a faint breeze would enter and with it a subtle change of temperature would have the skin on their faces literally crawl, double chins would disappear and reappear, their expressions morphed involuntarily from wide eyed to squintingly suspicious.

I ignored them as best I could as I filled in an encyclopedic form that was forklifted onto my lap.

This is my name, this is my wallet, no I suffer from nothing more than a well heeled disdain for my biological imperative, no I don’t get hot flushes and yes I fantasize about small asian men probing my anus with their index fingers.

Eventually my name was called, I was led into a room by a nurse and my blood pressure taken, given a cup and instructed to pee in it.

Now I had prepared fairly extensively for this preliminary consultation, I had brought a portable DVD player with an external hard drive filled with 250 GB of assorted porn, I had a small rucksack containing the soiled panties of 10 of the most lusted after porn actresses of the moment, 3 small phials of amyl nitrate , a small cassette player with a recordings of Kenny Rodgers I particularly enjoy and an inflatable Yack but my bladder was bare.
The nurse left the room and I rooted under the sink to find alternatives and settled for filling the cup with ‘Pine-O-Clean’
I was shortly afterwards led into the doctors office, and it was like a dream come true, there, on the other side of an expansive desk, sat an Asian male with small hands.
.....(to be cont...)