Fight of the Century

[Dan Holzman]

Thank you

Dear Martin,
Thank you for your post. You are right . I started this whole thing as a goof, and now it has gotten out of control. I really don't care who wins or loses, or if Robert is a better joke writer then me. I was just trying to have a little fun, but I guess I blew it.

I apologize.

I wish Robert only the best in his life and career, and honestly thought he was having fun tangling with me.

I have seen Robert perform many times, and consider him to be funny and talented. I think he is an especially good emcee and storyteller.

I know this may seem hard to believe, but I really don't consider myself in competition with other performers. I know I'm on a very low rung on the showbiz ladder myself, and compared to a lot of other artists ,what I have done is no big deal.

I will gladly let this whole business drop, and if Robert will give me his blessing continue to post here.

I thought about continuing this charade, and lashing back at you in this post, but I guess I lack the conviction and energy neccessary to keep this going any longer.

Sincerely,

Dan Holzman
P.s. as far as any masturbation tips go, if you see smoke coming from your penis, your going too fast.

[Butterfly Man]

Thank GodBuddhaKrishnaWhatevertheFuckYouWant You're Back

Originally posted by Dan Holzman
Robert,
I have no idea what the hell you are talking about.
Ok maybe I'm dumb, but what do you mean by...

Lurk was in Spain
So I administered pain
That Martin could dispatch in one posting

Dan

Please Martin ... don't ever leave us again.

[Butterfly Man]

All that's left is blood & bile ...

I'm gonna ask Jim if it's OK? to move all my limericks to the proper threads ... and perhaps the jokes to the jokes also ... the rest of it can stay here I guess (although it could be viewed by some as somewhat distasteful) ... I mean do you really want to witness this kind of carnage after a Lucky / Bike Boy fight ... I rather have a bleeding skull ... oh wait ... that's already been done.

[Stephon]

Re: the indians are circling the wagon

Originally posted by martin ewen
Dan
You come poncing into these forums somewhat delusional, and unfortunately seem to remain so.
[etc.]

It's like a cool, cleansing rain on a humid summer's day.

It's like that first warm rush after you've depressed the plunger.

It's like basking in the afterglow.

Ahhh. . .

[jester]

Eloquent as ever Martin. Harsh, and perhaps not entirely fair, but beautiful none the less.

I'm basking with Stephon. AAAAhhhhhh.

[Dan Holzman]

Thank god Martin's here

Dear Forum readers,

I don't know who that spineless wimp was who made that last post under my name, but let me tell you, if I catch him I'm going to wring his neck. How dare he apologize for something I'm not sorry for.

Oh! That mean Dan holzman how dare he pick on poor defenseless Butterfly man. Dan should have known by reading all the snide comments and insulting poetry Butterfly wrote, that he had no interest in mixing it up with him.

Sure I called him a old, talentless, seal loving hippie burnout failure who has a vagina. So what? Is that so bad?

He said I was an ugly dimwitted nitwit who's mother was raped by retarded epileptic canines, but you don't hear me crying about it.

And now hear comes Mr. All-mighty himself Martin Ewen into the fray. Thank goodness! we're saved!He will wave his magic wand of sense and sensibility and make everything allright again. Sure he will. Let's just analyze the brilliance of his last post shall we?


First with only my nasty insult laden posts to judge by, he has the nerve to call me a vainglorious, condescending. corporate whore blowhard with an insatiable ego. How dare he? Doesn' he know about all the good work I do with disadvantaged kids?

Then he tries to curry favor with me by claiming to be my biggest fan, yeah like that's all it's going to take after saying all those mean things about me.I don't think so chum.

And let me tell you something Mr Ewen I'll suck as much marrow as I like from the corporate beast, and when I'm full, I'll go purge and come back with my polished mediocrity to suck some more. What do you say to that?


And Stephon as far as his post being a cool, cleansing rain on a humid summer day, C'mon be honest didn't you really mean to write that it was more like a loud smelly fart in a closed elevator.

I'm sure all of you(especially whoever wrote that last post under my name)would like me to slink away like a beaten animal after that brutal tongue lashing by Martin Ewen, but let me tell you it's not going to happen.I've been lashed by much sharper tongues then his... and lookee here I'm still standing.

So Martin, I'm going to ponce around these forums as delusionaly as I feel appropriate. And there is nothing you can do to stop me.
What's next? Are you going to go crying to jim?" Oh please Jim, that Dan Holzman doesn't play nice, make him quit ". For god's sake what are we all children here?

I've tried to maintain a high level of maturity with my posts, and these are the thanks I get. Well, I say thank you not to all you high horse riders. Unless your willing to get down here in the mud why don't you stay tied up safe and dry in the stable where you belong?

Sincerley,
Dan( the vainglorious, Renaissance corporate whore) Holzman

P.s. Martin, I never said I was a dropout, only that I never went to college

Plus I wasn't trying to be condescending when I explained the Stokholm Syndrome remark I just liked how" He has taken your collective funny bones hostage'' sounded. I thought it was funny

[Mr.Taxi Trix]

Re: Thank god Martin's here

Originally posted by Dan Holzman
Dear Forum readers,
last post shall we?
And let me tell you something Mr Ewen I'll suck as much marrow as I like from the corporate beast,

[QUOTE]Originally posted by martin ewen
[B]Dan


Might I suggest that next time your in your limo, on your way towards sucking the marrow out of the corporate beast, \




BREAST, you morons!

[raspyni]

What's happened here?

I am in a state of shock.

My boy went to sleep early and my wife is out of town so I thought it was the ideal chance to make my annual visit to Performers.net and catch up on what really matters.

What brand of insanity has been bred, fed, and encouraged here?

I want to assure the readers of this thread that this is NOT the same Dan Holzman with which I have spent the last 23 years of my life. My gut feeling is that someone signed up under his name (this poster says April 2004 as a joining date and Dan's been on P.net for years) and is playing a joke on the community. The other option is that this entire thing has been scripted out by (the real) Dan Holzman and Robert Nelson as a gag to be played out post by post. I spend enough time with him that this would have come up! Heck, for the last month I have either seen him or spent hours on the phone with him developing our new website and not a word about this! He can't keep a secret so I'm putting my money on option #1 - a Dan wannabe screwing around.

Why I'm So Sure

The Dan Holzman that I've worked with since 1982 is a kind and gentle soul who goes out of his way to contact jugglers during our tours. While I lay in the pool and/or get a massage, he is in a ballroom with local jugglers who kiss the ground upon which he walks. Humble, he has twice won the IJA's Bobby May Award for outstanding educational service to upcoming jugglers. He would never lower himself to a LOOK-AT-ME contest with the likes of Mr. Nelson.

I just tried calling him and got his machine. Damn how I wish he wasn't the only person in the world without a cell phone. I have a conference call with him tomorrow and this will be the first thing I bring up! I know it will catch him off guard.

The thing that will really piss him off is that the imposture isn't even approaching the level of humor that I personally witness day in and day out. This has been a back alley slap fight draped in juvenile word play, corny puns, and poorly constructed storytelling. OK, the lines about Robert's poems not being any more stinky if they were written in his own feces and the visual imagery of Robert in a jester suit with a flap in the back to go poo poo were notably clever and Dan-like, but anyone can get lucky.

I know Dan's work. I have bought several houses, cars, and even a small airplane from the proceeds of his corporate teat suckling and I assure you that these posts were not his doing.

I ask that the poster "Dan Holzman" step forward, take off your mask, and show us who you really are.

You sicken me.

Barry Friedman

[Peter Voice]

I know Martin is writing a response as I type.
I can't wait.

[martin ewen]

There by the grace of God

Dan... Or should I say ´Sybil´

My heart, usually adequately fortified, has been breached by compassion I now experience in the face of the overwhelming evidence of your dissociative personality disorder.
Research shows that this condition is almost exclusively triggered by traumatic childhood abuse.
I can´t help it... my mind wanders against my best intentions.

Were you rented to groups of smelly men who lived under bridges for commercial sexual practices?

Were you locked in a wardrobe under the stairs with just a mildewy mattress in the perpetual daylight of the grow-lamps that fed your parents cash-crop until such time as child welfare could be sufficiently convinced that you had in fact died when you were 4 in a wood chipping accident?

Did you have an older brother who dressed you up in a latex suit especially made for a 6 year old, then coated you with pigs fat and subjected you to unspeakable and enormously painful things with decapitated action figure torsos?

Have you come from a large family where you were the only family member not suffering from advanced Tourettes?

I´m sure the reality was far worse.

Theres no cure I´m told, but arrested development, which I´m afraid sadly is your best option, has often involved exercises or activities that use both sides of the brain, you could investigate that and maybe find something to do in your spare time.
If the voices your various personalities use are dramatically different you could use it to advantage in the highly compeditive world of radio and TV voiceovers.

I think the most important thing Dan/s is not to lose hope.
As you say, you´re still standing. (sometimes for days on end in the same corner of your room, -whether you remember it or not-)

Such tragedy makes me feel strangely maternal, I want to uncharacteristically murmur words of comfort...Dan
Don´t despair
Theres a lot of people like you, (and most of them ARE you!)


Signed
really huge fan of Dans 1/3/7
but not too big a fan of Dans 2/4/5/6

[Peter Voice]

I put my joke entry in the "Jokes" thread and am wondering if I should put this contribution in the "Limericks" thread, but I really want to play here.

There was a young juggler from nowhere
Who tackled an old juggler with no hair
Some of us do Art
And don't give a fart
So, it all seems to be a full o' hot air.

Can I win? I met all of Nick's criteria in my joke but it's over in "Jokes" and I'm confused about the rules here. Maybe I should copy my joke over here?

Shouldn't most of Dan's posts be in the "Hype Yourself Blatantly Here" thread.

I thought this was "Fight of the Century" thread but its a bit like my little sister having an argument with my granma.

This thread once captured imaginations, world-wide, with the potential of bouts as BikeBoy V LDR, Brady V himself, Robert V Gazzo, Pro V Chance and the ultimate bout of Finkel V Thompson in tag team with their seconds.

But Hey, seriously, a tiff between two jugglers??

Is there any thing more boring than a nervous juggler?

Yeah, two nervous jugglers.

"Fight of the Century" indeed!




PS Come on guys, vote for me. Shit I only need 4 votes to win.

[Butterfly Man]

Fuck all that rhyme ... fuck all that meter

It's so easy for you isn't it Martin?

I put in so much effort ... and you ... you just turn on your computer ... log on ... cut his nuts off ... then log off.

Damn! It sure must feel good.

[martin ewen]

classified

I refuse to discuss my methods.
(Except to say that in fact it hurts me more than it hurts others, so you can imagine the pain I´m in.)

[Dan Holzman]

can't we all just get along?

Dear Readers,
For those of you who don't have the time or endless patience necessary to make your way through Martin's latest post let me sum up the gist of it for you: blah, blah, blah, blah ,blah ,blah

Robert you couldn't be kissing Martin's butt more if your lips were surgically sewn to his ass. " Oh Martin you're so great! Please drench me in a golden shower of your priceless wisdom, My colorfully defaced scalp waits impatiently for it's immersion in your god like nectar"

This whole tedious matter is starting to bore me, why a couple of blowhards like Robert and Martin feel like they have a right to judge my words or actions is beyond me. I don't know which I find to be more tedious , Robert with his infantile ramblings or Martin with his juvinlile attempts at psychoanalysis. I guess in the land of the bland the one balled man is king.

Barry, Barry, Barry you baldheaded humorless hump. How dare you butt your big fat booger filled nose into my business. Haven't I been carrying your no-talent carcass long enough. Even if you and Robert put your two bald heads together, all you would get is a perfect impression of Cher's ass. Don't you dare mess with me.

Twenty three years has been a long time to put up with your crap, Barry. If it wasn't for all the money we just put into our new promotional material, I'd be out the door so fast it would make your empty, Lex Luther-like head spin. My career as an on-line poker player means more to me then our pitiful little act, so put that in your vaporizer and super heat it.

And Peter Voice who the hell are you to talk. I remember seeing your show one time. It disgusted me. It created a black hole of lame so powerful that it sucked in all the funny for a two mile radius.

So in summation I turn my back on all of you, drop my pants, bend over and spread my ass cheeks so wide you can see what I had for breakfast. I won't be posting here again.

Til next time,
Dan

P.s. it was oatmeal with bluberries and soy milk
Dan

[martin ewen]

one door closes, another opens

Right so that was the mildly feisty Dan, Humble Dan should put in an appearance eventually. (I´ve read it goes in circles)