Fight of the Century

[Dan Holzman]

Im a happy bunny

Robert,
I will respond to your last post on a level you will understand. "goo goo ga ga goo goo ga ga"
Have you gone crazy? Don't you see how the sycophants in this forum are just stroking your ego. They know you have Dr kavorkian's phone number on your speed dialer, and all it will take is one more of life's bitter defeats to send you over the edge.

Let's see who has stood up for you so far:
Jester
Stephon
Nick

Oh my god! alert M.E.N.S.A, three of their members have gone a.w.o.l. A bitter clown, a Harold lloyd wannabe, and a guy who needs to pick up extra cash as a Ozzie look-a-like. Talk about a jury of your peers.

If you want to talk pathetic, why don't you check out your own promotional video. Are you still wearing that effeminate looking jester suit? Does it have booties, and a flap in the back when you want to go poo poo?

Are you sure you can take the time out from your red hot career to keep up with these posts. I'd hate to think I might make you late for one of your spots at Holland Village. I know it can't be easy doing three shows a day at your age. I'll feel sorry for you next time I'm at a cushy corparate gig picking up a fat check.

Do you even get checks? Or are you still relying on the drunks at your circle shows to have enough pity in their hearts to throw an old broken down busker a quarter or two?

I'm sure the people on this forum know the Butterfly man personsa, but don't forget I know the real man. I can't begin to count the number of times you've cried on my shoulder bemoaning your lack of any real talent. How hurt you were when the tonight show turned you down and you were forced to get exposure any way you could, including working as a catcher in Japanese Bukaki movies.

I could go on and on, but the limo is here to take me to the airport.

I'll post again when I have time.

Sincerely,

Your friend Dan

[Dan Holzman]

I apologize

Dear Forum Readers,
I was so filled with rage and anger that I didn't take the time to proofread my last post before I sent it. I realize there are a few things I wrote that I feel badly about now.

1) Stephon, I meant to call you a Buster Keaton wannabe not a Harold Lloyd wannabe. Sorry about that

2 Jester I meant to call you an angry clown not a bitter one. Sorry about that.

3) Also I thought mensa was M.E.N.S.A., it's not. Mensa means table in Latin, and refers to the round table society fostered by their group.

I hope this clears up any misconceptions you might have gotten from my last post.

Thank you for your patience and support,

Dan

[jester]

Clowns wear make up.

And I wanna be the Harold LLoyd Wannabe!

[Butterfly Man]

Bye Bye ... little man

I must just apologize
As my last 10 or so posts crystallize
I had no intention
To get this much attention
Eating half a Raspyni, cannibalize

To Dan too, I'm so sorry as well
To put you through this kind of hell
Try rec. dot for mummies
Or Yahoo for dummies
There a web site somewhere to dwell

To the rest who witnessed this roasting
Please don't perceive me as boasting
But Lurk was in Spain
So I administered pain
That Martin could dispatch in one posting

[jester]

Okay. I'll set the Challenge to you both.

What is the difference between an Iraqui Prisoner of War and a Starving Juggler?

Why don't teddy bears eat bananas?

What's blue, flies and wears flared trousers?

[Dan Holzman]

What?

Robert,
I have no idea what the hell you are talking about.
Ok maybe I'm dumb, but what do you mean by...


Lurk was in Spain

and

So i administered pain
that Martin could dispatch in one posting

Plus I tried to read that piece of dreck out loud isn't there supposed to be some sort of rhythem to poetry.

I guess I'm new to all this highfalutin rhyming stuff, but I think your stuff sucks.

Hey, maybe it's just me. If everyone else thinks it's good, I guess I just don't know any better.

I could take your poems around and show them to people who know about poetry, but I don't want to embarass you. I'm sure you think they are good, or why else would you write them.

I'm really starting to worry about you. Up till now This has all been in fun, but I think you might have some sort of serious physiological illness.

Please for god's sake get some help before it's to late.


I've been joking around with Robert because I consider him my friend, and he probably hasn't had this much fun posting for a long time.

But now the joke has gone on long enough, stop laughing at this man behind his back, it's not fair. He's a grown up and deserves to know the truth.

In all honesty, I never went to college, and I'm sure my spelling and punctuation isn't so hot. I type with two fingers, and have to wear glasses to read the words in the dictionary. The one thing I have been able to do, is be pretty successful in the world of comedy and variety. So, I think I know what I'm talking about.

Now it's time to pull back the curtain and reveal the Butterfly man as he really is. A scared little boy crying out for acceptance in a cold cruel world that has turned it's back on him years ago.

All I can say to the readers of this forum who want to continue
with this farce is "shame on you"

You've had your fun. Now stop poking this wounded old bear with sticks and let the Butterfly Man get on with his life with a least a shred of dignity left.

Please in the name of all that is holy tell this man the truth.

Perhaps Robert's only real friend,
Dan

[young raoul]

Oh the Humanity!!!

Heyyyy Now!

I've always considered myself a 'real' friend of Mr. Nelson - heckfire if you check the Denver posts we stole T-shirts together! Pity he got caught - I went back two times after that. Dan I think we shared a pitch in Halifax one year and let me just say, your "I'm a Happy bunny" response was one of the funniest things I've read on these boards in some time. But enough back-slapping and talking about when we called turkeys "walking birds" one of you fellas is going to put your hip out for good if this keeps up much longer. I would like to recommend that Mr. Silly turn on the giant "Wood Beacon" and summon Mr. Mike Wood to offer up his considered opinion on your respective comedic offerings. Mike Wood writes great jokes! So what if he's a little .....sketchy and....transluscent....and that whole thing with the older gals - he's a helluva joke writer!

yr

[Stephon]

Re: I apologize

Originally posted by Dan Holzman

1) Stephon, I meant to call you a Buster Keaton wannabe not a Harold Lloyd wannabe. Sorry about that.
Dan

Apology accepted. Oh, and if I was supposed to be insulted, you failed; any performer, comedian, filmaker, or director with an ounce of sense and aspiration would want to be Buster Keaton. Be that as it may, I do not perform looking like that, it was part of a promo card for a talent booker.

(Ok, I just re-read that and it sounds way too serious. Here-- -- maybe that put's it in a better context)

alert M.E.N.S.A, three of their members have gone a.w.o.l.

I didn't go A.W.O.L., I let my membership lapse.

[le pire]

Re: Re: I apologize

Stephon,

[ any performer, comedian, filmaker, or director with an ounce of sense and aspiration would want to be Buster Keaton.

Well, which "era" of Buster Keaton do you want to be:

-Abused child by brutal alcoholic father
-second banana to Fatty Arbuckle
-up and coming Two-Reel Comedian
-Genius film maker
-Fired by studio, divorced by wife (who took EVERYTHING) and alcoholic
-Struggling to regain his dignity and marries his nurse
-dies fairly broke and forgotten by everyone but aspiring clowns


Personally I like the marries his nurse era.



étienne


p.s. I think your more Harry Langdon.

p.p.s. Dan & Robert... you're both pretty! I'm a MASSIVE fan of both your work.

[Dan Holzman]

Brain washing

Dear forum readers,


The Manson like control the Butterfly man exerts over this online family is fightening. I can't believe you all willingly drink his bitter comedy Koolaid and tell him it tastes funny.

I think you are all victims of the Stockholm syndrome, and are starting to identify with the man who has taken your collective funny bones hostage. I worry for the safety of your creative souls, and urge you to escape from his mirthless mind control before it is too late.

I can see only one solution to this dilemma. We need to go outside the incestuous inbreeding of this little group, and get an impartial outside opinion.

I will copy a list of the three joke topics, along with two jokes from me and two jokes from Robert. I will take it to my local juggling group, and without telling anyone who wrote them , I will ask them to rank the jokes from best to worst.

My group meets every Sunday, and we usually get about twenty Jugglers including several top professionals. I will do everything as fairly as possible, and report the results back on Monday.

If Robert wins , then I will publicly admit defeat, and give to him the bragging rights he so desperatly needs.

If I win, I will humbly accept any accolades and apologies that come my way. I will forgive those who have stood up against me, and will walk with them side by side into a new world full of bright promise and laughter.

Your humble servant,
Dan

[jester]

Dan.

You write the jokes down and then get a real rookie to read them out not knowing who's is who's. That way the delivery is impartial.

I think this has gone on long enough.


Le Pire and I got reprimands for far less.

You are both very naughty boys and (in a pathetic attempt to be the next Kissinger)
"You are both as bad as each other.
Don't do it, He's not worth it.
I think we have a character clash here
Stop it, you are making the children cry
Now why don't you just shake hands and become the best of friends."

This thread is for fightin. Fight! Fight! Fight!

Ahhhhaaahhhaahahahahahahahahah!

[Butterfly Man]

Happy bunny buggery

Young One, please excuse this pitiful scrap
But my colostomy bag’s full of crap
It’s been needled ejective
So it’s spewing invective
Bitch slapping his handicapped yap

“A joke writing contest” … just imagine!!
“If my group says so Monday, then I win.”
What a bi-Polaroid
He’s so lame, null and void
He’d add up to nil with a twin

He insults all my friends and then does so
With peccadillo and bimbo bravado
Why are we taking shit?
From a dimwit nitwit
Who was born unfertilized and in vitro

So thank you, Jester and Stephon and Nicky
For your votes though my keyboard gets sticky
When I think you’ll be there
When his ass hits the air
And his lips give my dicky a hickey

[Dan Holzman]

my vagina is killing me

Butterfly,
The fear is starting to come off you in palpable waves. This last poem is your worst one yet. It couldn't stink anymore if it was written in your own feces. Are you really that scared?

I remember you once confided to me about having to wear a colostomy bag, and I was very sympathetic. Now you are using this unfortunate medical condition to try and make this forum feel sorry for you, wow, you have sunk to a new low.

Judging by what you have written your bag is now so full that it's spewing invective. Ugh, that sounds really nasty. The image of you with a full colostomy bag that's spewing invective is one I wished you had not chosen to share with the rest of us.

The ending of your poem is also particuarly disturbing. It sounds to me as if the idea of me giving your dicky a hicky while jester,Stephon, and nicky watch has made you so excited that you had an accident on your keyboard. Am I reading this correctly?Yuck,That is one sick fantasy.

I am sorry that the idea of having your jokes fairly judged has disturbed you so much. There is still time to write a few more. If you can get them in by Saturday night I will gladly include them with the rest.

signing off with peccadillo and bimbo bravado,
Dan

[Dan Holzman]

-and I'm going through menopause

Sorry for reposting so soon but I couldn't finish my Butterfly man
icon's dialogue in one line.

[martin ewen]

the indians are circling the wagon

Dan
You come poncing into these forums somewhat delusional, and unfortunately seem to remain so.
Your initial premise of ´Robert is King, I am the new pretender!Amicable at first, has, like most mock battles, descended into rancid name calling in large part because very early on you failed to grasp the fact that Robert didn´t want to play.
You claim to be his friend and to know him, as if that somehow gives you the right to unrelentingly impose a little popularity contest in which you, in your own mind will surely win, (even if you have to use your juggling buddies as voters) ´some of whom are professionals´

Your victory (pitiful really this vainglorious hunger of yours) would leave Robert, who was quietly minding his own business till you figured your life was pointless without a new scalp, the loser.

Given your success and given your obvious boredom and given your lack of formal advanced education. I´d suggest enrolling in a psychology class or two to better see where you fucked up.

Your very condescending considering you´re a self confessed drop-out, you mention ´Stockholm syndrome´ and then feel it necessary to explain to us what it means.
Thanks ever so. Gosh he juggles AND he reads. Quite the renaissance corporate juggling whore aren´t we?
Is your performance character a blowhard? or do you just naturally work it into the show? Or is it strictly an after-hours thing?
Apparently you, like Robert, are famous in your own small sphere.
Good for you.
Might I suggest that next time your in your limo, on your way towards sucking the marrow out of the corporate beast, pondering how best to use your comparative success to gloat embarrass and ridicule, you consider perhaps alternatives to exploiting people for your own insatiable ego´s sake, and while your in this reflective frame of mind, stop and consider how someone who hasn´t been exposed to your ´Legend´(or is that legend´) might, from what they see here, consider you mildly amusing at best and at worst a cruel, self absorbed, attention seeking bulldozer.
(NOW! WITH NEW! TRANSPARENT! COMIC! SHEEN!)

Its always been my contention that in the world of variety entertainment, polished mediocrity excels. From what little I´ve heard and what little I´ve read you hardly constitute a threat to that position.
...and no, I´m not interested in a joke writing competition.
But Hey, welcome to p.net. Its lovely to have you
Anything constructive to offer? Masturbation hints?


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