Fight of the Century

[Dan Holzman]

I can't fight , I might get my dress dirty

Sorry Sport's fans,
It looks as if the match has been called off. I try to bring a little candle of competition into the darkness of performers. net, only to have it peed on by this so-called Butterfly man. Well then Mr Butterfly crawl back into the safety your warm cocoon, and when your metamorphosis into a man who has a pair is complete, let me know.

I'll be waiting,
Dan

P.s. Winner by default indeed, loser by forfeit is more like it.

[martin ewen]

what could happen next is...

Nick. I think at this point you throw your chosen topic in and just let it sit there.

[Butterfly Man]

this will reduce friction that would otherwise slow down your spin

Sorry to disappoint you “Mr. 6 posts”, but your endeavor to ingratiate yourself into this community with some sophomoric challenge to me seems superfluous.

Perhaps your time could be better spent by sharing your sage advise to people who could use a leg up in this profession.

P.S. Pick on somebody your own size … Incredible Larry or Star Pixy or even Gazzo … but leave me the fuck alone … at least until you have something more substantial to offer.

[Dan Holzman]

still friends?

Dear Mr man,
Let me start by congratulating you on the eloquence of your last post, it was truly a work of art. From your cryptic subject line and use of obscenity, to your ability to use sophmoric, ingratiate, and sophmoric in a single sentence. I say "bravo"

You are right, my years of accomplishment mean nothing when compared to your record 600 posts on performers.net. I will humbly take my place with the performers you mentioned , and wait for the crumbs of wisdom you may deign to throw our way.

I thought it might be fun to engage in a little friendly sparring with the mighty Butterfly Man, but I guess I was wrong. You have beaten me down with your wit as if I was a drunk heckler at one of your shows, and now I am forced to slink away embarrased and ashamed at my audacity.

I am a defeated man, and I don't know if i can continue to post anymore.

Please Oh mighty B-Man, tell me you forgive my tresspass on your domain.

I am so, so sorry.

I am too broken up to even include an icon in this post.

I need a hug,
Dan

[Dan Holzman]

I take it all back

I just reread my last post , and I realize I have made some small errors. The last line of the first paragraph sould read......"to your ability to use sophmoric, ingratiate, and superflous in a single sentence". I say" bravo"

I forgot to call you a seal loving hippie in the second paragraph

I also realize that I really don't mean any of the things I wrote after the first line in the third paragrapgh

"yep" I just reread it again, and somehow the entire meaning of the post got skewed.

I don't feel defeated at all, in fact ,I feel triumphant. I will continue you to post whatever and whenever I feel like it.

If you feel you need to inflate yourself at the expense of others so be it, But I think you owe an apology to Larry, Starpixy, and Gazzo for saying that you think they are beneath you.

Ok, maybe not Gazzo

But, the others for sure.

I am not sorry, in fact I'm anti-sorry. I will roam the vast prairies of the performers.net frontier free and unafraid. I have taken your best shot, and emerged unscathed.

I will mess with you at my leisure, I will hunt you out wherever you post. Even, if that means following you into the topic wasteland that is" Motionfest"

You can run, but you can't hide. I will find you with the insect repellent called comedy, and make you wish you had stayed in larva form.

I need no hugs from you. I would rather hug a cactus. You are a mean, hard man. There is no gushy love center inside you, and I can't believe that once apon a time I called you "daddy"

Disillusioned but undaunted,
Dan

[Butterfly Man]

unintelligibabble

Your crybaby whiny-assed apology accepted.

[Dan Holzman]

wishfull thinking

Robert,


Talk about selective reading. I know your own posts lacked humor, but I thought that you would at least recognize it when you saw it somewhere else.

If it helps you to sleep at night to think that I backed down, and that somehow I am sorry for my attempt to engage you in a friendly competition, so be it.

I thought a joke writing competition would be fun, that's the only reason I suggested it. I also thought you would enjoy engaging in some banter to hype the " fight of the century" I guess I was wrong, I am truly suprised that you thought it was beneath you.

I guess we will let these posts stand by themselves, and let the readers draw from them what they will. There will be no " fight of the century" No build up, no fun, no nothing .

Let's put a fork in this turkey, it's done.
Dan

[Butterfly Man]

Because you are my friend ...

When you are sad...

I will help to get you as drunk and stoned as possible before you have to drive home.

When you are blue...

I will try to administer an emergency tracheotomy with a non-sterile utensil.

When you smile ...

I will do my best to debase and humiliate you in front of your peer group.

When you are scared ...

I will tell you appalling stories about how much worse it’s going to get and that you’re ugly too.

When you are confused ...

I will use big words properly so that your dumb ass has to look them up and even then you still misspell them so you look like a fuckin’ moron in front of everybody.

When you are worried ...

I will belittle you horrifically so you won’t ever want to fuck with me again.


Because you are my friend …


P.S. I had fun.

[nick nickolas]

Looking for Contenders

So is that it Guys ?
Finished !
I thought the joke writing battle is a great idea mabye a limerick and poem as well.....
But mmmm must wait for a couple of other tarded troubedours to enter the ring.....
Any offers ?
How about an Olly off between Brant and Scott Free ?
Mabye that was a wimp off (or out) between Fly and Holzner...Who was the first to fold ?
I hear Brian Hulse is up for tackling the winner, it could be the battle of the Japanese wives... ?

p.s. If you want to get in the ring here are some ideas....

What happened to the juggler who fell into the Canal ?
How do you make a performing poodle hump your leg ?
Why do Japanese wives fold clothes so well ?

A limerick about Happy the Clown and a bag of Cornflower.....

[le pire]

[Spike McGuire]

There once was a clown named happy
Who's lack of starch made him slappy
he needed the power
so he ate corn flower
my reply was poor, but it was snappy

-----spike

[Dan Holzman]

a little poetry

A limerick for the Butterfly

Robert Nelson is not happy
because his posts are all so crappy
all he does is cower
and use corn flower
to clean out the stains in his nappy

Dan

[Dan Holzman]

Three jokes

1) Q: Why is a waterway in New York like the silence after one of Butterfly's jokes?

A: The first is Erie, The second is eerie

2) Challange it to a jokewriting contest. It won't make a poodle screw, but it will make a Papillon nuts.

3) The reason Robert and his wife are so compatible is that she uses pressure to fold, and he folds under pressure.

There you go Nick, I used your Three topics and wrote a limerick.
Maybe you'll find that my attempts at humor don't compare with the incoherent ramblings of the Butterfly man's post, but that's a chance I'm willing to take. No matter what , I think this will answer the question of who backs down first.

Once again I'll give the 500 pound gorilla a chance to earn his bananas.

Dan (the 800 pound gorilla) Holzman

[Dan Holzman]

poetry

I thought I would try a little poem for extra credit in the Fight of the Century" I have already written the three jokes
as asked for by nick in his last post.
1) one on jugglers and canals
2) one on how to get a poodle to hump your leg
3) one on japanese wives folding clothes

plus a limerick about a clown named happy and a bag of cornflower.

Here now is a version of the Butterfly man's famous juggler's hand poem. the one that he should have written.

It matters not
that my tricks aren't that hot
or that I don't even do them well
jobs for which I've been paid
and venues I've played
still linger with my smell
I know I don't count
or to much will amount
or in my life made over a grand
meager talent parlayed
and Liberace outgayed
by the touch of this juggler's hand

Step up to the plate and take a swing at the ball moth man, or have a seat in the bleachers with the rest of the punters.
Dan
P.s. the fun is just starting

[Butterfly Man]

You seem rather small for an 800 lb. gorilla.

What happened to the juggler who fell into the Canal?

He drowned in a gills mess.




How do you make a performing poodle hump your leg?

Move slightly to the left.




Why do Japanese wives fold clothes so well?

Their hangers aren’t very well hung.



Far be it for me to be vicious
But this prick’s getting seditious
Pardon my loss of control
It was never my goal
To berate him or be so malicious

I told him to leave me alone
Or he’d reap whatever he’d sown
But just like a flea
He pestered with glee
On and on with his joke challenge drone

So if that’s what it’s got to be
To be free of his weary ennui
Said the flower of corn
To the clown doing porn
That’s one teeny weenie Raspyni