funny stories

[gazzo osborne]

AS IN ROBERT SUE NELSON. THE THIEF OF BAD GAGS,

[Butterfly Man]

Stolen sweets are always sweeter,
Stolen kisses much completer,
Stolen gags from such a twit,
Has left you only half a wit.

[nick nickolas]

10 Years ago I was in Hamilton NZ ...Gave my three cups out to the audiance to examine just as I had seen Gazzo do and Cellini before that....only 2 came back!!!!!!
Had to do the show with 2 cups and a multitude of balls and oranges...
I never did get the cup returned, it is probably an ash tray in some gangheadquarters now...
2 weeks later the shopping mall bosses set me 3 perfectly turned cups in the mail...Now hows that for a turn around.....

Sorry to hear about your story Sean...it was funny though and at least you have got one thing over LDR you know how to use spellcheck....

Nickolas

[ 10-08-2002: Message edited by: nick nickolas ]</p>

[Butterfly Man]

Marijuana


I was in Grundy, Virginia ... a coal mining town ... it was winter and there was a thin layer of soot on the snow ... everything ... including the people looked dirty.

I was the opening act for a magic act called “The Amazing Windley” ... I would juggle a bit ... then the Amazing Windley came out and did his magic ... then a Santa would come out and let kids sit on his lap.

The promoter of the show was frantic because Santa had quit ... apparently a kid had peed on him and he couldn’t take it anymore.

They asked me if I could fill in until they found a replacement.

So, after my juggling act, I ran backstage ... and stuffed myself with a bunch of pillows into a slightly damp Santa suit.

Inside Santa’s pocket I found some pot (about half a joint) and a lighter.

Here’s when, I think, I made a mistake ...

I took a few puffs and then ... I went out to meet the kiddies.

It was actually quite fun for awhile .. I’d listen to the kids ask for stuff and watched their eyes light up.

I’d just HO HO HO every once in awhile and that was about it.

Then I noticed this kid ... he had to be around 17 years old ... dirty plaid shirt and Caterpillar hat ... standing in line, but I figure he's just with his little brother or sister.

But when he sat on my lap, his eyes were aglow ... I couldn’t believe it ... this kid was over six feet tall!

I looked around at the adults ... I figure it has to be a joke ... but I knew that look ... this kid really believed in Santa ... he didn’t look like an good actor to me.

So he looks me right straight in the eye and says, "I want a CB radio for Christmas!"

That’s when I started to laugh ... just a little at first ...


I did the best I could to answer, "HO HO HO, of course, Santa will bring you a CB radio for Christmas!” ... just hearing myself say that made me laugh harder.

I normally have a high pitched laugh, but I was trying to keep it deep. And Ho instead of HA. Everyone could see the Santa was enjoying himself a little too much.

But then, the kid ... gets this quizzical look on his face and says, "Do you know where I live?”

I’m sorry, but I lost it ... it was just too much, I burst out laughing, uncontrollably ... high pitch squeals... convulsing, gasping for air.

I tried my best to recover, but it just made it worse. I went hysterical ... tears, shrill yelps, everything.

The promoters quickly hustled me offstage.

I remember the way the kid was looking at me and they dragged me away.

They never asked me to play Santa again.

[ 11-13-2002: Message edited by: Butterfly Man ]</p>

[Steven Ragatz]

Robert Nelson as Santa Clause - that's the stuff children's nightmares are made of!

I guess I should contribute to the "funny stories" thread in a constructive way...

There was one show in Mystere where the cast was informed ahead of time that there was going to be "a proposal" made halfway through the performance. Everyone was ready, and all of the show changes in place for the clown to deliver a microphone to the groom-to-be so that he could propose to his soul mate in front of 2300 spectators.

Well, the midway act ended, and everyone in the cast and crew were plastered to the cracks in the curtains to see out into the house. The follow spot hit the audience, and then this guy gets down on one knee and asks the girl sitting in the seat next to him if she will marry him. There was a pretty tense moment as everyone waited - and waited - and then everyone kinda gave up and the show just sort of started up again because she never said "Yes"! Boy, you could feel the energy of that performance dragging after that! You'd think the guy would have checked ahead of time...

Steven Ragatz

[StarPixy]

Oh how romantic! [img]rolleyes.gif[/img] Perhaps she just had a bit of stagefright...

[Rich Potter]

What a crappy performer she is!

I mean, whether he had asked her before or not, she ought to know the first rule of improv is never say, "no"!

Better she say, "Yes" and then kick him in the nuts.

"Back ME into a corner, will you?!" *WHUMP!*

I once finished a show in Europe and passed my hat to a very perplexed crowd. The hat was really light. I was scratching my head because it was a pretty good show. Then someone said, "we already paid your partner".

Well, apparently my "partner" was a 60+ year old smelly drunk guy who was bottling my crowd in the middle of my show. They told me he headed to the bar next to the pitch. I found him. He pretended not to know me. I felt his pockets, full of change.

He then changed his tune. He put the money on the table, and divided it in half (as in half the coins for me; half the coins for him...not in any mathematical way). I flipped his hat off his head. (I'm basically nonviolent, but clown violence is part of my nature). He flung the money all over the bar. He pushed me over. (yeah; I got floored by a geriatric drunk. Hence my non-violence)

The bar owner sent him packing. The people collected my cash and handed it to me. Later, I counted it, and it was a bigger hat than average.

--Rich

I've been working with that old geezer ever since.

[LUCKY DIAMOND RICH]

Triona you fool,
Bike Boy is one of my best mates,and I was only joking with him!
But I am not joking with you,I am glad I bring the worst out of you for all to see!
Keep being you!
Sticks and stones may break my bones....................

LDR

Ps. Nick-you got me,mate......

[Danny Hustle]

[quote]Originally posted by Rich Potter:

I've been working with that old geezer ever since.[/qb]<hr></blockquote>

Hear that rimshot!

I Didn't see that punch line coming and I sprayed coffee all over my monitor!

Thanks Rich I needed that this morning!

Best,

Dan-

[ 10-11-2002: Message edited by: Danny Hustle ]</p>

[Triona]

[quote]Originally posted by LUCKY diamond RICH:
<strong>Triona you fool, Bike Boy is one of my best mates,and I was only joking with him!</strong><hr></blockquote>

All I can say is if this is the way you joke with your friends, I'm glad I'm not one of them. Maybe you should stop and realize that there are people on this board who don't know you two are friends (assuming that you are). You tend to take a lot for granted when you make a post. Even Gazzo thought you were serious (and I somehow suspect you were).

[peterpanic]

cyrus p koski III is working a gig in danehy park in cambridge. family day, or some such. a stage show and a couple hours of roving.
he is working under the names tip the clown and chuckles the clown.
his show is at 11 am. there are maybe 15-20 people there. he is standing on a tripod that he had built because he saw alakazam work and he figures if he gets 12 ft. up in the air he will increase his hats and get more ass than a port-o-potty at a chili fest.
anyway, he is throwing rings out to the kids and they are throwing them back. one 12 yr. old is very aggressive and wont let the smaller children catch anything. he tells the kid to back off.
he asks the kid what his name is.
Mohammed.
cyrus- well, thats not a very popular name lately, is it?
kid goes away, but his 17 yr. old brother comes back.
'what you got against the name mohammed?'
'nothing, i was just saying...'
'clowns are supposed to be funny. thats not funny- youre an asshole.'
'hey, now, relax there buddy...'
'no. fuck you- youre an asshole'
and he starts to spit at the old man. fortunately for cyrus he is so high up that he is out of range but the scene at family day is turning ugly. the few people that are there leave, the sound man turns off all the mics and the other relatives of the kid start telling cyrus he is a racist and they are going to the police to report a hate crime. and off they go- shawls and all.
cpk3 soldiers on, determined to get paid no matter what.
he looks up and the cops want to have a word with him.
'right now? im in the middle of a show.' for 6 people.
music gets turned off, theme from cops comes on. bad clown bad clown- what cha gone do?
of course the cops let him off with a warning. darn that pesky 1st amendment. panic

[gazzo osborne]

what makes you think i was serious? triona,
look were all mates here accept robert sue nelson
i fucking hate him

[Butterfly Man]

Absolutely, I totally agree ... I see no rampant disaffection on pnet ... the only malice I admittedly carry is for that drool bag moron sleight-of-mind artist who seems to "accept" rather than "except" ... something he learned from his mother no doubt.

How can one not be repulsed by his loathsome limping frame?

How can one not pity him his infantile posts?

He is insignificant, vulgar and of mediocre talent.

In a word ... offal!

[img]mad.gif[/img]

[peterpanic]

i saw the one they call rat boy the other day. he was never really a performer at all, he was just a homeless kid with a rat on his shoulder who thought he could make the leap from beggar to busker just by getting his rats to do tricks. (dirty fred started the same way.) he had some early success with his crackhead friends with a rodent smarter than he is (last seen in branson) but he has not been making the scene lately.
so imagine my surprise when, on my way thru the boston common on hempfest (i was on my way to another place and the common is a convient shortcut) i saw the same kid with a rat on his shoulder!
well, probably a different rat. but the same kid. he was playing frisbee with two other people, forming a triangle.
i stopped to watch because i recognized him and i remembered his short lived attempt to become one of the beautiful people, to become one of us.
he looked like he was pretty out of it, like he was on something a bit stronger than animal tranquilizers or something like that.
and then it happened! his buddy threw him the frisbee and he never looked up. the rat probably saw it but if that rat catches that frisbee he will have to do it over and over and over...
instead it hit a guy with a black t-shirt that said STAFF right in the nose. i almost cracked my face laughing so hard. does that make me a bad person? i dont really care. pan eye see

[ben woodling]

Hey guys (you know who u are),
Would u spout off all this "disaffection" to one anothers faces? or is this just an atempt at realeasing your emotions in a non phyisical way?i.e. you know the other dude isnt gonna wak u one!
I have no clue as to any previous rifts between you guys, but ur just "bitchin".
PEACE...
Ben