Jokes Wanted

[Steven Ragatz]

My fourteen year old daughter, Missy, has a guitar recital next week. She has taken up the electric guitar and is performing with her friend who plays bass. Their instructor has told them that they each have to tell a joke before they play. (I think this is to teach them a little about performing and to keep the event light.)

I told her some of my ideas, but nothing coming from "dad" could possibly be any good, so they were all shot down (tough crowd). I have read some pretty good jokes on this board in the past, so I was hoping that the P.Net readership could help me out with a couple of clean guitar/guitarist jokes. I was hoping for a good bassist joke that my daughter could tell, and a good lead guitarist joke that her friend could tell as a comeback. There are only a couple of days, so any suggestions?

Steve

[Prof Willie B]

You should have seen my Dad's face when I told him I needed a new G-string for this gig.

[DEBBIE ROBINSON]

Hi Steven,
Singing in bands for years means you get to hear alot of jokes.... - alot of singer jokes!
Anyhow, here are some of the 'cleaner' guitar ones that might suit;

How do you get your mum to drive really fast?
- Put your guitar in the middle of the road.

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
-Put a sheet of music in front of him.

How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
- None. He gets the crummer to do it.

How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb/
-Three. One to do it, and two to criticise his technique.

How many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- Only one, but they stand so close you'd swear they were going to start necking.

How many BASS guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb/
-Four. One to change it, and three to hold back the lead guitarist who is hogging the limelight.

How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?
- Pay for the pizza.

How many BASS players does it take to change a lightbulb?
- None. The piano player can do it with her left hand.

What did the bass player do when told to turn on his amp/
- He caressed it softly and told it he loved it.

Why don't BASS platers catch cold?
-Even viruses have their pride.

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb/
-None. Bass players are so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and stub their toes on the furniture.

Good luck
Deb

[DEBBIE ROBINSON]

ooops!... 'crummer' is meant to be drummer.
Crummer kinda works, in a crap fashion!.

[DEBBIE ROBINSON]

Whats the difference between a lead guitarist and a terrorist/
- You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Whats the difference between a savings bond and a bass player?
- A savings bond matures and earns money.

How do you get a bass player and a lead guitarist to play in tune/
-Shoot one of them.

What compliments a rock lead guitarist best?
-A hacksaw.

What do a vaccum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
- They both suck when you plug them in.

What did the bass guitarist say at his first gig?
- You want fries with that?

What would a rock guitarist do if he won a million quid?
- Keep playing till the gigs ran out.

Rock on mate....

[DEBBIE ROBINSON]

What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
- counterpoint

How many guitar DUOS does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-Only one, but they'd stand so close you'd swear that they were going to start necking.

Whats the best thing to play on a guitar/
- Solitaire.

What's the best kind of lead rock guitar/
-A broken one.

Main one directed at me -
How do you know when there's a female vocalist at the front door?
- She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

titter titter

Ceasing to bore...........have fun ....The end.

[Butterfly Man]

After years of hiding the fact that their love is gone, Chaney moves out of the house and Kris & Gazzo announce that they're getting a divorce.

Chaney is totally distraught and pays for a session with Boston’s most famous marriage counselor as a last stab at keeping his parents together. The counselor works for hours, tries all of his methods, but they still won't even talk to each other.

Finally he goes over to a closet, brings out a beautiful upright bass and begins to play. After a minute, Kris & Gazzo start talking. The therapist keeps soloing on the bass and Gaz & Kris discover that they're not actually that far apart and decide to give their marriage another try.

Chaney is amazed and asks the doctor how he managed it. He replies, "I've never seen any couple that wouldn't talk through a bass solo."

P.S. This would be funnier if Gazzo was dead.

[DEBBIE ROBINSON]

Am working on it !!
Will persevere with spider SIZE of double bass tonight.
That should do the trick.
R.I.P Gazzo.