Out Yourself Here 2: The Deeper Closet.

[young raoul]

Holy Buggering Priests! A proper confession booth at last!
- was working as a clown pimp and my face-painting clown bailed at the last minute for some corporate christmas party - I filled in, reeking of gin, clown face smeared over a bad cop style moustache, smoked the whole time and never got a call back...first time someone ever recommended the movie "Shakes The Clown" billed as the "Citizen Kane of alcoholic clown movies" - still haven't seen it.
- whored for Dale "has anyone seen my septum?" Thompson when he ran Halifax, worked as a corporate clown for a winter tour of gas station openings as "Captain Ultramar" - a stilt-walking, oil-can juggling multinational superheroe alongside my poncey sidekick, a black-lipped, "waving clown" named "Dipstick". Spent most of the time in the motorhome swilling scotch with horrible oil execs while Dipstick got blown off the side of the road by passing trucks. My bro who lives in Halifax, has run into the Dipper at a few parties - he's still bitter and amazed that I continue to draw breath
- As for Taxi's shame at being a stilt -
Elvis - Christ on a cracker! I spent 12 years as a ten foot radioactive Elvis! Now I drive an '87 Honda Accord! How is that shameful?
- did a couple of series on a Canuck kiddy sleuth show typecast as a fire-sping clown on Showcase. This led to a prime gig doubling for Christopher Plummer in a teen slasher film (direct to video, natch) called "The Clown at Midnight". Got to split Margot Kidder's head in half with an axe, stick a spear through Tatyana Ali (Cosby Show?) and find that his nibs was a total lecherous twat, notwithstanding the fact that he tolerated my drunken rendition of "Edelweis". Perhaps the worst movie ever made.
- Lastly, and it doesnt'really qualify since I turned it down, an former alligator wrestler crony of mine referred me for a gig for a touring show of "Bananas in Pajamas". Seems they were one banana short of a bunch. As I say, I declined. It's really all about dignity, isn't it?

jerry lewis

[Prof Willie B]

That's the second time in 2 days the fucking Crocodile Man has been mentioned on this site.
Pls, lets not go there.


[This message has been edited by Prof Willie B (edited 12-29-2001).]

[Jenny]

<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" size="2">Originally posted by young raoul:
- As for Taxi's shame at being a stilt -
Elvis - Christ on a cracker! I spent 12 years as a ten foot radioactive Elvis! Now I drive an '87 Honda Accord! How is that shameful?

What shame!?!
I drive an '87 Tercel. It's hard not to defend something on which your life depends! Mine has taken me round trips from Boston to Canada twice, to Pittsburg (with Peter Panic in the passenger seat recovering from a shopping cart accident), the west coast & back this past year when I lived out of the poor car for 8 weeks total), and I even crashed it last month on my way to Motionfest Baltimore, full of Bobarino's wheel-barrow, kitchen appliances, you name it fresh in from Japan.

It's so old that if a bird shits on it it's totaled. But lo & behold, $560 bucks later it's back on the road, dedicated as ever. Thank god for small, old, dependable, aluminum, Japanese miracles.

And p.s. everyone; "Shakes" is a must-see.

[le pire]

Hey Prof, it can only get worse:

Paul Hogan!

Kylie Minogue!



étienne, who went to school with Isla Fisher (Home & Away).

[martin ewen]

Embarrassments a foreign country to me, having spent my childhood acutely embarrassed by my parents by brothers, by religion and my out of control bladder (oh and my general behavior) there has not been much since to compare.
I will add to this thread (and put this up for whatever petrified animal awards on offer) with a tale in which I consciously confronted and overcame embarrassment.

I was working at the Edinburgh fest in Scotland, working off the main pitch down a small lane, just down from me was a jug band whose music i used from time to time to wiggle about to, as I temporarily overcame my character ‘Lurk’s utter boredom.
After a couple of hours the jug band stopped and passed me on their way to a pub across the road and invited me in for a drink when i finished.
I finished immediately and hurried inside.
(Just a hint- If your at Edinburgh and find it all a bit competitive, catch a 6 pound train for an hour to Glasgow which is empty of performers and has great pitches right by the train station)
Anyway the 4 piece jug band and I got on famously, I liked beer and they liked beer, I have a mouth like an untethered firehose and they were probably sick of listening to each other anyway.
They hadn’t finished for the day however, they had a gig later on in the evening at a club and they invited me along to dance for them.
I was into it so we then got ready to leave by buying about another 6 rounds then left.
The club was large holding about 300 people, we got there early and met the management who were cool and casual and who bought us all a drink.
I checked out the dancefloor in front of where the band would play and the surface was OK, not too slippery when wet and the ceiling was high enough (I’m on stilts) there were two rows of ceiling fans that were not yet turned on and so I marked out their positions with gaffer tape on the ground, it still left me lots of room to move.
The night wore on and the place started filling up a bit, the band only had to do one set so we waited till about 10 before going on by which time the place was pretty much packed.
It had been a long day so I arranged to come out for the last 10 minutes of their 30 minute set.
I dutifully stomped out and wiggled and waggled and kicked my legs about and generally simulated being groovy wearing my white face and tank helmet until about half way through and for reasons still a mystery to me to this day I must have strayed into the territory of the now rapidly whirring metallic blades of the fans.
The first blade merely dug superficially into my tank helmet and flung it from my head without thankfully damaging the blade or slowing the fan down at all.
My reactions (which is why I could have been a fighter pilot or game show host ) were lightening quick and I tilted my head back as I moved forward so that the next impact only broke my nose at the bridge sending a minor torrent from both nostrils and the gash at the top of my nose itself.
All this paled into insignificance with the third strike which carved a 6 to 8 inch slash right across my forehead.
Now as some of you know headwounds tend to bleed profusely, even with my prior head bleeding experiences this one immediately impressed me.
I was staggering blind round a nightclub with blood pouring down my white face and cascading in a constant stream from my chin. I think people found it hard to ignore me which was a shame really, there were loud screams and panicked footfalls as people tried to avoid being bled on, (I did hear later that at least 3 people fainted)
Being a true professional I stayed upright and eventually found a wall and sat on a ledge where I peered curiously through my scarlet veil at the enormous pool of blood forming in the lap of my stilt trousers.
A barman holding a huge handful of soggy tissues appeared and pressed it to my face as I wrestled with my stilt-trousers and then my stilts, towards the end I could hear the wail of an approaching ambulance. I was then led through the crowd pressing a red soggy mass of toilet paper to my head.( I can remember seeing a few sympathetic looks passed my way by pretty girls and had it not been for the medical professionals I might have stayed.)
At the hospital I spent 3 hours getting stitches across my forehead and having my nose plugged. I also seemed to be a source of entertainment to a constant stream of nurses who would peek into my cubicle while trying to keep a straight face then depart down the hall giggling.
Once released at about 3am I faced a choice, I could wander back to my hotel and wake the next morning all streaked and swollen and potentially embarrassed, or I could return to the bar.
I walked back in and ordered a beer, the barman said ‘You were really good, if we’d known we would have turned the fans off.’
I had a couple then left.
I found the next day that my helmet covered the stitches on my forehead nicely and my whiteface covered the mess of my nose but would just bleed a bit when I removed it so luckily I wasn’t without an income.
It was years later I was told by other performers that everyone was calling me ‘Frankinstein’
behind my back and laughing.

[Prof Willie B]

étienne, you are only scratching the surface. What about Rolf Harris and (shudder) Dannii Minogue.

[Peter Voice]

We were recently hired to do a gig for an exclusive product launch. Nokia were introducing 7 new phones in 7 colour options and so for the function (being only invited dealers and all adults) the promo company decided on a theme of the 7 deadly sins. Greed, Sloth, Gluttony, Lust, Rage, Avarice I forget the other one. Anyway, we were to do full body marbling on 2 g-string clad models (M and F) to be statues. Simple really. It was an odd theme but we went along with it.
The room was divided into 7 suites, lust was depicted by scantily clad dancers in cages, avarice, by a guy with snakes, greed was depicted by a casino and the spread of chocolates and cakes in gluttony had to be seen to be believed. Hundreds of cases of beer and wine awaited and about 60 waiters were on hand to look after the 300 guests.

Half an hour before the doors were to open the Nokia bigwigs turned up. Unbeknownst to the promo company and apparently to the Nokia (Aust) PR department, the company had been subject to a recent takeover and was now owned by the Mormon Church, purveyors of religious fundamentalism and casino owners. The church's representatives were less than impressed.

It was too late to cancel so the event went on with some changes (the models were draped with togas, making most of our work a waste of time) and the bigwigs did not attend. We suspect Nokia have terminated their contract with the promo company.

It was a great party though and we did get paid.

[le pire]

What about JASON DONOVAN? Remember when he and Kylie did a duet??? Yeah! That was just a bad taste dream come true!

I saw a special on TV in england were Rolf Harris teamed up with CLIFF RICHARDS!!! OH the Horror!

étienne

[Prof Willie B]

Shamefully it can only get worse, étienne. We have a 14 year old singing monster called Niki Webster. Be warned this bundle of vomit inducing cuteness will almost certainly be inflicted on an unsuspecting world by her management team. The world suffers enough pain but it will pale into insignificance once this terrifying moppet's marketers have finished. We never learn from our mistakes.

Whoooooooa!!! Cliff Richards and Rolf Harris together? oooo eerrrr and you watched it??? Perhaps the legal system should be taken to task for allowing such things to happen.
Maybe Niki won't be that bad afterall but then again if she were to do a duet with Rolf, Cliff or Jason even a trio or barbershop bit. Oh I feel sick. The possibilities are frightening. I need to lie down for a week or so.

[le pire]

Good news, I just read Steps broke up!!! There remains a glimmer of hope, all is not lost...


étienne

[Jim]

Prof, etienne, let's stick to the topic.

Jim

[Rich Potter]

Airborne Dan,
that has got to be the funniest story I've heard all year!

I got to be a stiltwalker during the holidays for a large corporate event. The events company put me in this ribboned outfit so as to make me colorful, and to hide my actual personality.

Fortunately, I was able to allow the smartass to flow from the ribbons and onto the groundlings below. When I got my check, the comment line of the stub said, "Ribboned stilt guy"

--Rich

Oh yeah; one of the perks of that job was that since she was on a pedestal, I was able to do "Dirty Dancing" with the Statue of Liberty.
(okay; a lame story. I just didn't want this thread to get lost in the sea of Rumplisms)