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Due to offline death threats from an aging, incontinent, winged insect in a heavily soiled Jester's outfit, I am now forced, at gunpoint, to post a small, true story about myself (who'da thought that .22 could be so persuasive up close).
So here it is.
On Friday, a 12-year-old black girl from Stockton punched me in the ear in the middle of my show.
Thank you, good night.
Wanna hear the whole story? Intrigued, yes?
So Friday's crowd just plain sucked. It seems that it is now tourist season (no, that doesn't mean you can shoot them) for Germany, and if that whole WWII thing didn't tip you off, Germans have a horrible sense of humor, plus, they don't speak English anyway. The rest of the people on the street were mostly trash from the suburbs, it was a bad, apathetic, bitchy night. I dumped my first show because it was so bad, I started another one, same thing. Rather than dump the second one, I just got up on my box and started doing the nastiest stand-up material I had until everyone left. If I'm going to suck, I'll do it on MY terms. I decided to try one more time. Still the same thing, but some people were a little more supportive, so I went right into it. It was the kind of show that was like pushing a boulder up a hill: as soon as you let up, it would roll right over you, but I just kept hammering on the jokes at a million miles an hour, and it held together somewhat. Side note about suburban trash. They won't laugh at anything that isn't either dirty, or a violation of someones space, but they get offended by that stuff too. Anyway, I get through the show, all the way to my hat pitch (the part where I get on my soapbox and tell the people that they are going to tip me, and how much) and as soon as I start, these unsupervised-not-even-teenaged black girls in the back start yelling and complaining (keep in mind this is 10:30 at night now). I'm familiar with this situation, and I know that with a crowd that just barely cares, it has to be dealt with quick. So I went straight for the throat.
(in a nice caring voice)"Do you girls mean to tell me you've been here for an hour having a horrilble time?"
"Yeah, mother!@#?er blah bla-"
"You MORONS! You're entire life will be one big pile of shit if you keep standing around going 'This sucks, let's watch it', What do you want, your money back? 'We saw this horrible show on the street, we'd have left but we couldn't find the damn door!' You're an idiot, what's the matter, were your parents so broke they couldn't afford a coat hanger and a shop-vac?" Finally, my crowd is laughing.
"Mother!@#er you can't say that to blah blah blah-"
One of 'em jumps up on a bench so she's high up and says "Whay don't you say that to my face?!"
"Why don't you turn around and bend over so I can see it?" Big laugh.
"Mother!@#?er, why don't you get a REAL job" Big "OOOOHHH"
"We can't all be educated enough to work the drive through at Wendy's" Big laugh, round of applause, and that did it.
All six of 'em charge into my circle like an Army of chickens, and I know what's coming so I smile, and step down off the box to greet them.
"Bock bock bock bock!"
"What are going to do? Hit me? Go ahead and hit me"
It takes them a second, but then, there it is BANG! right in the ear, just like a good little girl from the ghetto that thinks she's a bad ass.
"You hit like a GIRL!" Huge laugh, the girls bolt to go pretend they're cool somewhere where they can get away with it.
Fade to black.
So here it is.
On Friday, a 12-year-old black girl from Stockton punched me in the ear in the middle of my show.
Thank you, good night.
Wanna hear the whole story? Intrigued, yes?
So Friday's crowd just plain sucked. It seems that it is now tourist season (no, that doesn't mean you can shoot them) for Germany, and if that whole WWII thing didn't tip you off, Germans have a horrible sense of humor, plus, they don't speak English anyway. The rest of the people on the street were mostly trash from the suburbs, it was a bad, apathetic, bitchy night. I dumped my first show because it was so bad, I started another one, same thing. Rather than dump the second one, I just got up on my box and started doing the nastiest stand-up material I had until everyone left. If I'm going to suck, I'll do it on MY terms. I decided to try one more time. Still the same thing, but some people were a little more supportive, so I went right into it. It was the kind of show that was like pushing a boulder up a hill: as soon as you let up, it would roll right over you, but I just kept hammering on the jokes at a million miles an hour, and it held together somewhat. Side note about suburban trash. They won't laugh at anything that isn't either dirty, or a violation of someones space, but they get offended by that stuff too. Anyway, I get through the show, all the way to my hat pitch (the part where I get on my soapbox and tell the people that they are going to tip me, and how much) and as soon as I start, these unsupervised-not-even-teenaged black girls in the back start yelling and complaining (keep in mind this is 10:30 at night now). I'm familiar with this situation, and I know that with a crowd that just barely cares, it has to be dealt with quick. So I went straight for the throat.
(in a nice caring voice)"Do you girls mean to tell me you've been here for an hour having a horrilble time?"
"Yeah, mother!@#?er blah bla-"
"You MORONS! You're entire life will be one big pile of shit if you keep standing around going 'This sucks, let's watch it', What do you want, your money back? 'We saw this horrible show on the street, we'd have left but we couldn't find the damn door!' You're an idiot, what's the matter, were your parents so broke they couldn't afford a coat hanger and a shop-vac?" Finally, my crowd is laughing.
"Mother!@#er you can't say that to blah blah blah-"
One of 'em jumps up on a bench so she's high up and says "Whay don't you say that to my face?!"
"Why don't you turn around and bend over so I can see it?" Big laugh.
"Mother!@#?er, why don't you get a REAL job" Big "OOOOHHH"
"We can't all be educated enough to work the drive through at Wendy's" Big laugh, round of applause, and that did it.
All six of 'em charge into my circle like an Army of chickens, and I know what's coming so I smile, and step down off the box to greet them.
"Bock bock bock bock!"
"What are going to do? Hit me? Go ahead and hit me"
It takes them a second, but then, there it is BANG! right in the ear, just like a good little girl from the ghetto that thinks she's a bad ass.
"You hit like a GIRL!" Huge laugh, the girls bolt to go pretend they're cool somewhere where they can get away with it.
Fade to black.
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