Cat still has 8 lives

[Scot Free]

[LUCKY DIAMOND RICH]

[ 01-28-2002: Message edited by: Lucky Diamond Rich ]</p>

[jonnyflash]

Good to see you up in this, Scot Free Daredevil

You're a bloody amazing entertainer with an international-calibre show, and an inspiration to me in many ways.
I look 4ward 2 C-ing your next local show.
Jonny
www.itsnotbutter.com/jonnyflash

[Scot Free]

[ 03-14-2002: Message edited by: Scot Free ]</p>

[Flo]

MORE MORE MORE!!!! please?

Flo [img]biggrin.gif[/img]

[Scot Free]

Well, shall we recap?
The positive, productive member of society leaves the traetment centre in a box.

This box is a safe LITTLE reality, constructed for one purpose only:
to keep the individual clean and "safe". There arn't many frills in the box and conviently a set of values comes pre-packaged.
The message is clear-live by these values or die!

I have allways been skepical of any kind of DOGMA but they did such a good job in breaking me down and re-conditioning/re-programing my brain. Much more efficient than any church could be. All they(organized religion) have to hold over your head is the promise of the Afterworldly. My saviours had a more realistic tool-This IS your life NOW.

I needed it. I would have surely died had I not had such a systematic approach to how I MUST change. There was no time, means, or willingness for me to develope a system of my own, remember I did not want to change, I just didn't want to die. So I took the offer of a system/program that works miricles in peoples lives-it truly saves lives, But...

The box sucks for me now. The language of the box does not work for me anymore. I am SICK, I am DEFECTIVE, I am DISEASED. There is something inherently WRONG with me. This is on par with the lie of ORIGINAL SIN! I choose to leave the box that would have me tell myself these nasty things on a daily basis.

So out of the box I go,looking inwardly, CHOOSING to keep some of the values I learned in the box, discarding some too. Also finding a spark of someting, needing realise, my creative self, manifested in a forgoten character...LET ME OUT, LET ME OUT!

The first show I did in over 2 years was quite an experience.
I decided, after much prompting from a friend to put a kit together and cruise on down to English Bay. There were a few new faces on the pitch and after loosing the coin toss, the prime spot was offered to me. I was surprised. I would have never given up a spot in the past. I was used to that kind of attitude on the limited pitches in Vancouver. I was not a bully but I certinaly was guilty of "I'll get mine!" attitude

I have to admit, when I lost the coin toss I was relieved. You see there was an uneasy feeling growing in my stomach since about noon that day. The closer I got to the pitch the more it grew. It went away when I lost the coin toss but hit me like a ton of bricks when the prime-time show was offered to me.

This is STAGE FRIGHT! I had never felt it before!!! I was allways(well nearly allways) at least a little stoned. (NO I was not on speedballs for my whole professional career, just some of it. I spent my life since I was 15 in a haze with Mary Jane. My using had progressed over the years to "the hard stuff")

So this stage fright thing-WOW. I harenesed the nervous energy, channeled it, projected a refined version and did (what I thought was) a kick ass show. Well it felt like one anyway.
I was no doubt, sketchy. I contuniued to do shows, when I could that summer. You see I had a job at a Street youth shelter and I was going to school. Last summer I was back with a vengence and a good attitude. The flow was getting tight, the shows were fun, the atmosophere was freindly(I know this is because I was frendly)
I even won an award at the end of the season in Victoria.

So, I am currently in my second year of a History/philosophy degree,
I still work at the Shelter but I fully intend to quit my job in May and make a go at being a full time performer again.

[ 03-14-2002: Message edited by: Scot Free ]</p>

[Flo]

Thank you Jeff!!! Enjoyed reading your story.
It's good to see that somebody else agrees that there is life outside the box that other's build for us yet not being afraid to take what you've learned from their box and putting it into yours. . . that living for the moment isn't all that bad, and that by letting your creative side flourish you can get away with everything Scott Free.

Hope to see your show sometime
Flo

[Tom Comet]

Hey Jeff, it was great to read your story here. I think it is awfully brave to put that tale out there like that and for that I sincerely congratulate you. I think it is a good perspective for many in our business and others as well. We are all walking the line at some time in our lives.

Thanks too for the mention though I don't feel I was really 'there' for you. It was one of the hardest things watching you crash and burn like that but harder still was the feeling of powerlessness. At that point in my own life I felt like I barely had my feet out of the dumpster of life and I really had a hard time even seeing you. It was like being visited by a ghost of something that could be my own future self if I allowed myself to stray from the path.

I can't tell you how awesome it is to see you now and know that you are doing so well. I wish we could have spent more time together while I was still in vancouver but with you performing more and more I am certain our paths will cross soon.

All my best and stay in touch!

[Elias Joseph]

WOW! Jeff I'm so glad I found this on the site. It is amazing to see this all in writing.

I also thank you for the mention as support. But like Tom I also felt so helpless in the face of your downward spiral. I wanted to reach out and do more. We talked a few times and I saw the person under the junk, I was almost in awe of how much of you was still there.

The joy is the happy ending to this story. When we met at the beginning of this season and I saw how well you are doing, you have your shit together my man!

As street perfomers we all fight some crazy, hard battles (often on a daily basis) but you have proved to be the champ!

Cheers. And thank you for the courage to share your story with us.

[Scot Free]

thanks eli, but not to take away from my original shout, it was eli "spanky the prankster" chornicky, my oldest best buddy who tried hard to help his friend. through grand plans of travel and performence circus style. he let the little monster detox in his basement one horrible week and a half only to see the fiend go back out a few days later. I love you brother.
It is hard to watch a friend or someone you love travel a black road and not know how to help. All I know is that you can't help someone who is not open to change. Burroughs said that "desparation is the raw material of drastic change" and until one is at the point of pure desparation, in this case, change will not follow. Each has their own cheese-grater bottom that may appear to be lower then anyone expects.